How I embarrassed my mother-in-law she probably remembers it to this day.
This tale took place right at the start of my married life, when my wife and I had just tied the knot. I noticed something odd at the time, but didn’t pay too much attention. The strangeness wasn’t about my wife I still consider her the picture of perfection but it was in her mother’s behaviour, my mother-in-law.
It all kicked off at our wedding: she was so stern and irritable, you’d have thought she was attending a funeral rather than a celebration. After the wedding, she acted strangely and, since we were young and didn’t yet have our own place, we ended up living in her house.
From the moment we moved in, she offered us such kindly concern that I thought she honestly rejoiced in our happiness and that her sourness at the wedding must have been due to feeling poorly. But beneath her half-hearted smile, she hid a passive aggression mixed with playful prodding. More than that, she would secretly give me backhanded criticisms, seemingly just to get under my skin.
She had a habit, for example, of waking up in the middle of the night to wash dishes I’d already washed the previous evening. Once, I caught her at it and asked what she was doing. She put on an innocent air and said she was just washing dirty plates.
“So she thinks my dishes are filthy?” I mused, and from then on, never trusted her goodwill again.
For quite a while, I took her subtle digs as motherly advice and would often share my troubles with her, including any marital disagreements.
It happened that a good mate of mine worked as a driver at her office and, through her colleagues, he started hearing gossip about our home life. According to the rumours, my wife was the poor soul, while I was supposedly a selfish husband, unfaithful and after my mother-in-laws flat. Classic family games.
Thats when I finally realised my mother-in-law was my secret adversary.
She had an incredible obsession with cleanliness and her house was spotless, like a hospital ward. She demanded the same standard from my wife and me we tried our best, but nothing ever seemed good enough.
When she left on a two-week business trip, she made it crystal clear we had to keep the flat immaculate. Tiny bits of fluff on the carpet or stray hairs in the bathroom were enough to send her into a fit, and the sight of a dirty tea cup could have her close to a breakdown. Naturally, when she was around, my wife and I bent over backwards to keep the place spic and span.
For those two weeks, we planned to take a break from her cleaning regime, only tidying up properly just before her return. She, knowing us well, gave us a false return date and intended to turn up when we least expected it and not alone, but with a gaggle of her friends to drop in unannounced, no doubt hoping to make me look bad in front of her guests.
Luckily, the aforementioned friend caught wind of her scheme and tipped me off. I was livid and decided to be ready for her surprise. We cleaned everything until it gleamed, and then waited.
My mother-in-law swanned in, surrounded by her friends and with the driver grinning at the doorway. She quietly unlocked the door and let them in like she was leading a parade.
She was properly stunned when they walked into a flat sparkling clean, meeting maybe exceeding her own standards. Her friends all stared, whispering behind her back, and I casually wiped my brow, tucked the vacuum away, and said,
“Well then, where on earth did you find such a spotless carpet?”
My mother-in-law was flummoxed. She fumed, peering into every nook and cranny, while I stood proudly thinking, “You won’t find a thing, not a thing!”
She was thoroughly embarrassed and soon became the joke of her workplace. Her gossipy tales werent listened to anymore, and a fair few people started siding with me in our arguments. Her ego took a huge hit and although seventeen years have passed, Im sure she still remembers.
