Mum, this is my girlfriend, Heather Adam tried to say it as casually as he could, but you could still hear the nerves in his voice. And well wed like to you know erm well you know what I mean
Oh, Im well aware of what it is you want, his mum replied, giving Heather a good looking over. But is that what Heather wants? Heather, do you know my son all that well?
Oh, I do, Heather replied confidently, not embarrassed in the slightest. I know him inside out.
Sorry, what did you just say? Mum seemed a bit thrown off and actually switched to a more formal tone. Is that the sort of thing a young lady says?
Why not? Theres a saying in English know someone inside out. But honestly, lets not waste time on Adam here. The real question is whether you and I will get along. What if we dont gel?
What exactly do you mean? Mum started to look a bit lost.
I mean, you and I will be sitting up together waiting for Adam most nights, while hes off gallivanting with his mates. Listening to him snore once hes had one too many pints you know how it is.
And whats that got to do with me? Mum tried to take control again. You wont be sharing a room I hope.
But youll be pacing outside the door, worrying. All mums do that.
Excuse me Adam sounded genuinely flummoxed at where this chat had ended up. Why are you two chatting about me as if Im not here?
Hush! both women chorused in perfect unison.
So, Mrs. Atkinson, I have a question. Do you ever fight? Because Adams refused to tell me.
Fight? Mums eyes widened in surprise. Surely Englishwomen dont get into fights?
Youd be surprised! Heather grinned. Some wives give their husbands a proper wallop!
Oh, dear Mum actually covered her face with her hands. What an expression What drama
Oh come off it, Heather leaned in with a knowing look, lowering her voice conspiratorially, surely, youve wanted to give your husband or Adam a quick clip round the ear now and then?
Well Mum looked like she might admit it, then regained her composure. No. Never.
I admire the effort to appear proper, Heather smiled, but I dont believe it for a second. How could you have a son like Adam and never once feel the urge? On that note, did you ever give him a little smack as a child?
Absolutely not! This time Mum was telling the truth.
Oi! Adam piped up again, only to be cut off with another:
Quiet!
Mrs. Atkinson, you really were too gentle, Heather smiled, giving Adam a friendly pat. When youve got a backside that hunts out mischief for itself, you shouldnt spare it so much It needs a little reminder now and then. Still, your Adams a good lad. Theres hope for him yet. Speaking of which, Mrs. Atkinson, fancy a cup of tea? People always chat best over tea. I brought a Victoria sponge.
Later that evening, when Mr. Atkinson got home from work, Mrs. Atkinson said, right in front of Adam:
Love! Adams finally getting married!
Good heavens! I cant believe it! his dad exclaimed with glee.
Calm down! Im only thinking about it, Adam corrected them hastily.
No, son, his mum said, sounding deadly serious. This time you are definitely getting married. If you change your mind, Ill adopt Heather as my own daughter.
Mum, shes not an orphan, Adam said with a smirk. Shes got her own parents.
Well, Mum said in her no-nonsense way, in that case, Ill just march you back to the hospital and tell them they gave me the wrong baby. And your father will back me up on it.
If I have to, Ill swear it on the Bible! Dad agreed, waving a fist Adams way.
