So heres this bloke, Dave, right? Dead set on finding a woman without any hassle.
“Look, mate,” he says, “Ive tried all these dating apps, but its just exhausting. Women want you to chat em up, listen to their dramas, type your fingers to the bone If there was a way to skip all that, Id be chuffed!”
A figure made of thick, grey smoke just shrugs. “You called me for a reason, Dave. Today, you can have whatever you want.”
“Right, then. Also, I dont wanna spend a single quid on her. No fancy coffee dates, no buying her cakeswho knows if itll even pay off? No dressing up, no sucking in my gut to impress her. She should just take me straight to her place. That doable?”
The smoky bloke nods, jotting it down like a waiter taking an order. “Anything else?”
“Yeah, no material demands. No iPhones, no diamonds, no designer handbags. Ive heard the horror stories. Just pure, selfless lovenone of that gold-digging nonsense. Abroad, women work while blokes lounge about, and no one bats an eye. Here, they call you a deadbeat. I want none of that.”
“Sorted,” says the creature. “But Dave, youre being modest. You could ask for moreplenty of women like that already exist without magic. Why not aim higher?”
“Alright, fine. Shes gotta be proper domestic,” Dave counts off on his fingers. “Cooks, cleans, never nagsjust sweet as pie whenever she sees me. And absolutely no kids. Everyone knows women are the ones who want em. Not me. Thats it.”
The smoky figure shakes its head. “Bit tame, innit? You could at least pick her looks. Plenty of blokes settle for what you describedjust usually not young or pretty. Youd want a uni girl, yeah?”
“Bloody right, a uni girl!” Dave practically jumps. “Tall, fit, flawless skinbut soft-hearted, you know? None of these modern girls with their sharp tongues.”
“Of course,” the creature says, and for a second, Dave swears it smirks. But how can smoke smirk? Doesnt matter. Soon, shell find him, whisk him home, and
Dave shuts his eyes, grinning. Thenbam. Hes lying in a pile of snow behind some bins, an empty sausage wrapper and fish bones beside him. His ribs ache like mad. Everythings massive, unfamiliar. But thena girls laugh, light as a bell.
“Emily, look! Poor little thing, all battered. Mustve been chased by dogs. Ill take him homefeed him, cuddle him!”
“Youre too soft, Lucy,” snaps another voice. “What if he yowls all night? Or starts chasing after females?”
“He wont. Ill take him to the vet. Come here, sweetheart”
Delicate hands scoop him up. Dave tries to shoutbut all that comes out is a pathetic little mewl.
