“Hello, is that Mr. Johnson? Your wife has given birth to twins!
But Im 52 years old and I dont have a wife!
Well, I dont know, mate best come round and have a look, she claims theyre yours
When I heard that, I thought someone clearly had the wrong number. Fifty-two! What on earth would I be doing with babies? But, like any British bloke faced with the prospect of a strange adventure and a good story for the pub, curiosity got the better of me. I grabbed my car keys and set off.
I walked into the ward and nearly had a heart attack right there and then. Lying in the bed was my ex-wife. And on either side of her, two tiny bundles of joy were peacefully snoozing away.
Susan, whose children are these?
Yours, she replied, entirely unruffled.
I was speechless, trying to decode her words like they were in ancient Greek.
But youre 49 and we got divorced ages ago
Seven months, to be exact. And back then, I didnt know I was expecting, Susan answered.
How is that even possible?
Well, I thought I was going through the menopause. Who would have imagined our passionate last hurrah would lead to this? But look, Im not asking anything of you. I just thought you should know.
Two at once Honestly, we tried for years and nothing ever happened!
To be fair, she admitted, I was shocked myself. I didnt even realise I was pregnant until month five. I honestly thought I was going mad, what with all that commotion inside me
Frankly, it didnt surprise me. Susan had always been a rather round lady, and all our friends were none the wiser about any changes she could have hidden a circus in there and nobody wouldve noticed.
When we first met, she was already generously built, which was my cup of tea. I was never keen on skinny women anyway. We had a solid life, travelled all over coast, Lake District, every European capital one could squeeze onto an EasyJet route. Wed long ago given up on children. Five years before, something between us had changed. I suppose we finally settled, uncomfortably, into the idea that parenthood was not, in fact, for us. With age comes that haunting feeling whos going to remember to even pop a daffodil on your grave?
The bickering set in. Susan gained another couple of stone. Then, one day, she announced, Were torturing each other. I think we should get divorced. Who knows, you might become a father still.
Truth be told, I didnt want any of it. But Susan was resolute. It hurt. But off I went.
Later, she admitted shed been terrified to tell me she was pregnant no idea if everything would be alright, or if the babies would be healthy. And now, well surprise.
That same day, I popped into M&S, bought a ring and the biggest bouquet they had. I walked back into the maternity ward and proposed. Two years have gone by since then. Were together. The twins are growing strong, and were happy parents in our hearts, if not by age.
So would you take the plunge and have kids at our age? Or do you reckon happiness has a sell-by date?
