She closed the door right before my face
Mum, I know you dont love me
Eleanor paused, holding a tea towel in her hands. She slowly turned towards Tom, her son. He stood frowning in the kitchen doorway, hands stuffed deep into his lounge trousers.
Whats that? Eleanor set the towel down. Wheres this come from?
Nan told me, he said, looking at the floorboards.
Of course, his grandmother.
And what else did Nan say?
Tom squared into the kitchen, chin lifted, stubborn set in his eyesa mirror of his father.
She said you left Dad because you didnt want me to have a proper family. A complete one. Because you didnt want me to be a happy child. His voice shook as he added, You left just to spite me.
Eleanor stared at her sonnearly ten now. For two years, just the two of them. Two years since Richard had simply vanished from Toms life, not a single phone call, not even a text on his birthday. But Julia, her mother-in-law, diligently took Tom every weekend, always ready with a fresh drip of poison.
Tom, Eleanor tried to keep her voice steady, you shouldnt listen too closely to your Nan. She doesnt know everything.
She does! Tom burst out. She knows it all! Youre just lying! If you really loved me, youd have kept the family together, wouldnt have got a divorce! You wouldnt have ruined things!
Each word was a dart. Eleanor saw Toms trembling lips, glistening eyes. He believed itLord, he really believed it.
Tom
Dad would be here with us! Wed be together! he cried.
Your father hasnt called you in two whole years, Eleanor blurted out. Not once, do you hear?
Thats because you wont let him! Tom snapped. Nan says you stopped him seeing me!
He spun around and stomped from the kitchen. A moment later, a crash soundeda bedroom door slammed.
Eleanor stood alone by the table, clean towels half-folded, the ticking of the clock growing louder. Silence heavy as a lead weight pressed down around her.
She sank onto a stool, buried her face in her hands. Hot, angry tears spilled over. Richard had cheated, spent two months with some girl at the office; when shed found out, hed only shrugged, as if it happened to everyone. How could she forgive that? How do you live with someone who looks you in the eye and lies? And now Tom believedit was she, Eleanor, who had smashed everything.
And Julia, with her homey dressing gown and sharp tongue, weaving her web of half-truths. Her darling boy could do no wrongit was the wife, the difficult one, who wouldnt just put up and keep the family together for the childs sake.
Eleanor wiped her cheeks and glanced out the window. Tom was still too young to understand. He wouldnt grasp it for a long time yet.
Three days stretched like ancient chewing gum. Tom was presentbreakfast, school, homeworkbut distant, behind frosted glass. Eleanor asked about his day at school; he mumbled, glued to his phone. Called him to dinner; hed eat in silent focus on the plate. Tried to hug him goodnight; he dodged, muttered a flat Goodnight, and closed his door.
By Friday, Eleanor had had enough. On her way home from work, she stopped at the shop and piled her trolleychocolate cake, Toms favourite crisps, a massive ham and mushroom pizza. Maybe they could watch a film together, talk like they used to.
She lugged the shopping through the door and into the kitchen.
Tom! Come here, look what I bought!
Silence.
Tom?
Eleanor walked down the hall, opened his bedroom door. Empty. Sheets rumpled, schoolbooks scattered on the desk, rucksack Rucksack missing. No jacket on the hook either.
She snatched up her phone and dialled Toms number. Long rings, then nothing. She texted: Where are you? Please ring me. Double tickshed read it.
No reply.
She rang again. And again. Fifth timecut off.
Oh, come on
Fingers shaking, slipping across the screen. Another call. Again. Just ringing, ringing, ringing.
A click.
Hello?
Tom! Eleanor pressed the phone tight. Where are you? Whats happened? Are you alright?
Im fine. His voice was oddly calm. Too calm.
Where are you? Why did you go?
Ive gone to Dads. Im going to live with him now.
Eleanor froze in the hallway.
What?
Nan said Dad wanted to take me. Wanted custody. But you insisted and kept me with you. Well, I dont want to live with you. Id be happier with Dad.
Tom, wait!
Dead tone.
Eleanor called backcall rejected. Againthe phone switched off.
She dashed through the flat, fumbling on her coat, dropping her handbag, desperately hailing a cab. She still had Richards address scorched into memory.
Twenty endless minutes in London traffic, biting her nails to the quick, her thoughts looping and looping.
The taxi pulled up outside a block of flats. Eleanor jumped out, didnt wait for the change, dashed across the wet pavementand stopped.
There on the bench by the entrance sat Tom. Jacket open, bag at his feet; his face red, glistening, shoulders hitching as he cried.
Eleanor rushed over, fell to her knees on the sodden stone, clutched Toms shoulders. Cold seeped through her jeans but she didnt care.
Are you alright? Have you eaten? Why are you crying?
Her hands checked his arms, his face, making sureintact, alive, there. His cheeks frozen, nose raw from cold, eyelashes stuck together with tears.
Tom finally lifted his eyes to her. Red and swollen, cracked with pain so deep it winded her.
Dad kicked me out.
Eleanor froze; her hands still gripped his shoulders.
What?
He lives with someone else now. Theyve got a little baby, Tom sniffed, wiping his cheek with a dirty sleeve. He didnt even let me in. Just told me I shouldnt have come. Said to go home to Mum. And then he just closed the door. Right in my face.
Toms voice splintered on the last words, and he turned away, shoulders jerking with sobs.
Eleanor pulled him to her, hugged him tightly, buried her face in his hairscented of cold wind and cheap childrens shampoo. For the first time in days, Tom didnt flinch. Instead, he clung to her coat, pressed his face into her shoulder.
Lets go, she whispered after he calmed. Well sort everything out, once and for all.
The taxi ride to Julias was another fifteen minutes. Tom stared silently out the window at the passing streetlights. Eleanor held his small, cold hand, and this time he didnt pull away.
The door swung open immediately, as if Julia had been waiting, hair in curlers, slippers with fluffy pompoms. True English homebody. But her eyes were sharp, wary.
Oh Tom, she clapped her hands to her chest, stepping back, your mothers dragged you here, has she? Wants to turn you against your dad and me?
Tom walked forward, crossing the threshold. Eleanor watched his skinny, tense backso obviously still a child beneath that jacket he was about to outgrow.
Nan, Tom lifted his head, his voice suddenly steadier, somehow older, did you lie to me?
Julia blinked, her mask slipping for a heartbeat.
What? Tommy, whatever do you mean?
I went to see Dad. He turned me out. Why?
Eleanor watched Julias face transform, the caring grandmother gone, her eyes darting, seeking solid ground, flickering from Tom to Eleanor and back.
Tommy, its your mothers fault, shes
You always said Mum stopped us talking. That she wouldnt let him call. That he missed me waited for me. But if thats true, why did he close the door in my face? Why wouldnt he even speak to me? Why did he look at me like I wasnt even his?
Hes just busy, its a difficult time
Or maybe Mum was right? Toms voice rose, and Julia shrank back. Maybe he never wanted me at all. Hes got a new wife. A tiny baby. All happy. Why would he care about me? Im just extra, someone hed rather forget.
Julia straightened abruptly, chin jutting out, something fierce and cornered in her eyes.
Shes put these words in your head! she pointed at Eleanor. Your mothers to blameshe wrecked the family
Enough!
Tom shouted so loud Eleanor started. The echo rang down the stairwell.
Im done with your stories! For two years you fed me fairy tales about Dad, and he didnt even ring me on my birthday. Not once! I wont come here again. Dont ring me either. If Dads chucked me away, then Im done with him too. The both of you. He turned, seized Eleanors hand. Mum, lets go home.
Julia stood frozen in the doorway, pale, mouth agape, stripped of her usual armour of blame and recrimination. For the first time, Eleanor saw her undonesmall and lost.
Goodbye, Eleanor said, softly closing the door behind them.
Back home, Tom ate two slices of cold pizza and drank three mugs of hot, sweet tea with raspberry jam. He curled up on the sofa in a tartan blanket, quiet, nose pink from crying. Outside, the night pressed in; the lamp threw amber shadows over his face.
Mum?
Yes, love?
Im sorry.
Eleanor put her cup down. She looked at her sonthose narrow shoulders, messy hair; the determined line between his eyebrows.
You did everything you could for me, Tom murmured, fingers worrying the frayed edge of the blanket. Worked hard, cooked, did it all, just for me. And I just listened to Nan. Trusted her, not you. He swallowed. It wont happen again. Ill think for myself. Believe what I see, not what people tell me.
Eleanor smiled, shuffled closer to him, ruffled his hair. He didnt flinchhe leaned against her side, just as he did as a little boy.
It was a harsh lesson. Maybe even cruel. But Tom seemed to have learned it.
