Lend us the keys to your cottage, well stay there for a bit, thats what our friends asked, blissfully underestimating the consequences.
My mum had fallen ill right before Christmas, so my wife, Alice, and I spent the holidays quietly at home, just the two of us. Our friends, Ethan and Sally, had been looking forward to joining us at our cottage for New Years, but when Mums health took a turn, we had to cancel the invite at the last minute. Nobody could have predicted Mrs Hopkins would be taken ill on Christmas Eve.
Alice felt rather bad about changing plans so abruptly. So when Sally rang her on 2nd January, complaining how miserable New Years had been squeezed together in their cramped flat, Alices guilt flared up again.
Its been dreadful! Ethans mother came barging in on New Years Eve, claimed there was a problem with her central heating, and now shes set to live with us until the council fixes her pipes! I cant cope, Alice. I swear Ill divorce Ethan over his mother! Sally wailed.
Im sorry, Sally. I get on with Mrs Hopkins well enough, but shes handling her illness terribly, Alice sympathised. If theres anything I can do…
Well, there is something. Lend us your cottage. Ethan and I can escape his mother until the holidays are over. Let her have our flat for a bit let her drive herself mad!
Alice considered it. She felt for Sally, but didnt know what I would think. Though we both treated the cottage as shared, on paper it belonged to me.
Ill have to check with Simon, she said.
Of course, I understand. But well be careful with everything, I promise, Sally insisted.
Bit worried about the snow, you know. We havent had the driveway cleared, Alice said.
No problem. Weve got a 4x4should manage just fine, Sally replied. And Ethan knows his way around boilers. Well look after the place.
She was so persuasive that Alice thought, Why not? and promised to get back to her.
When Alice asked me, I wasnt sure it was a great idea. Are you sure about this? We wanted them up for New Years, but that was before Mum got sick. If we need to get to the cottage for anything, its a bit of a trek, and I wouldnt want to leave Mum alone.
I know. But Sally says its hell with Ethans mother. She reckons shes a nightmare, and their marriage is on the line.
After talking it over, we agreed that Sally and Ethan could borrow the cottageso long as they sorted out their own problems and left us out of it.
Sally was thrilled. Thank you, love! Ill keep you updated, she said, and off they went.
Getting to the cottage took over three hours. Its tucked away in the countryside, far from the city. As wed feared, the heavy snow over Christmas made getting there a real challenge, even with their 4×4. Sally and Ethan got stuck and had to ring us for help.
What now? they asked.
Youll have to turn around. No ones out clearing snow during the holidays, I said.
Were not giving up. Weve come all this way. Isnt there that chap with the tractorSimon knows him? Sally pressed.
Brian? He clears the lane sometimes.
Please ask him to come down, Sally begged.
Alice sent them his number, but Sally rang back half an hour later. Hes not answeringask Simon to ring! Hell pick up if its someone he knows!
Eventually, I phoned Brian. He promised to get there within the hour. Meanwhile, Sally was calling constantly: How much longer? It was stressfulAlice ended up feeling like it was her fault.
Luckily, Brian arrived and cleared a path up to the cottage. The gate was still blocked, so Ethan had to dig through the snow with a shovel just to reach the door.
Inside, the heating was feeblethe boiler needed sorting out, but Ethan didnt know how. He called me again, and I spent two hours explaining the old system.
Never seen one like this… must be ancient, he said.
Its all weve got! I snapped, feeling certain this was just the start of our problems.
Sure enough, Sally kept ringing about every little thing: where to find the frying pan, why it was still cold inside, and so on. By bedtime, Alice and I simply switched our phones off to get some peace.
The next morning, we woke up to a flood of missed calls.
Whats gone wrong now? Alice asked.
Im not sure She returned Sallys call, who answered in a panic.
Where have you been? We nearly burned down the place last nightsomething was wrong in the sauna, smoke everywhere!
Are you all right? Alice gasped.
Who builds these things? You shouldve warned us there was a cap on the chimney. Luckily, Ethan figured it out just in time, Sally scolded.
I didnt think youd use the sauna your first night And the snows piled high out there.
Well, its there, so we used it. Is the sauna not part of the cottage? You should have said, Sally grumbled.
Go ahead, enjoy it, Alice replied, feeling flustered.
And wheres your barbecue?
The old one gave up.
So you didnt warn us?! Where do we grill our kebabs? Sally was clearly annoyed.
I really dont know, Sally. Its been a madhouse here. If you want a barbecue, youll have to sort it. Just please dont set the house on fire.
Alice hung up, unimpressed by her friends attitude.
Another disaster? I groaned.
Yes. Alice recounted the complaints.
Ethans been in that sauna with me in the summer. He knows about the chimney capno excuse. As for the barbecue, not our problem. If they wanted to make curry, would we be expected to provide a special pot? If they want kebabs, the village shop does disposable grills. Enough for a couple of days.
Thats what Alice relayed to Sally when she rang again.
Fair enough. Well go into the village. At least the roads passable now, Sally said. After that, she left us aloneperhaps she realised Alice was fed up with babysitting.
Not heard from them lately. Wonder how theyre getting on? I mused next day.
Sally didnt answer but sent a message: Alls good.
We decided to trust our friends and forget about the cottage for a few days.
By the end of the holidays, Mum was feeling better. Alice suggested that I go collect the keys from the cottage and check everything over.
Good idea. Ill head out in the morning, back by evening. Better have a look at the place, and the sauna too.
I drove out while Alice stayed with Mum. She told Sally wed be coming but expected all would be fine. To our surprise, I came home furious and refused to talk about the visit.
The whole story came out the next day when Sally invited Alice overthey live just round the corner.
Has your mother-in-law finally left? Alice asked.
Thank goodness, yes. Shes gone back home all sorted.
Right. Ill pop over in an hour, Alice said, not telling me she was going. It was clear I didnt want anything to do with Sally or Ethan by then.
When Alice arrived, Sally went straight to the point: Here you go, Ive written everything down. She handed over a piece of paper.
Whats this?
Our expenses at your cottage: tractor services, electric shovel, barbecue, coal, starter fluid, grill rack, three light bulbs, and some essential oils for the sauna.
We bought these while we were there, Sally explained.
Why are you showing me this?
We left all these things for you. Do use them.
Thanks, Alice said, puzzled.
Ethan and I think its only fair we split the cost. Youll use these things too, after all.
Alice let out a laugh. Youre serious?
Course. If youd had a barbecue, we wouldnt have had to buy all the stuff for grilling. Same with the shovel. And if the lane had been cleared beforehand, we wouldnt have wasted fuel waiting. And I had to buy shampoo for the saunathere was none!
Sally, youre overreacting. Firstly, this isnt a hotel, and we dont stock shampoo or shower caps for guests. The electric shovel and barbecue, you bought for yourselveswe dont need them, so please feel free to take them home. The oils, coal, grill racksame. As for the road clearing, that was your risk, your expense. Ill pay for the light bulbstheyre actually useful, thanks for replacing them. Alice transferred £3.80 to Sally and then left without another word.
Alice stopped returning their calls and texts. And to clear the air, we gathered everything Sally and Ethan had left, sent it off to them by courier.
By then, Mum was almost back to normal, so Alice and I started visiting the cottage again on weekends. Sally and Ethan, however, were no longer welcome. The whole episode marked the beginning of the end for our friendship. Generosity aside, we learned our lesson: no more lending the cottage, and certainly no more sharing the keys.
We looked after them, tried to do the right thing, and what thanks did we get? Sally grumbled to Ethan, dialling Alices number once more. She didnt even want that electric shovelbut one could only return it with the receipt, still sitting at our place.
