Oh, I grew up always trying not to let my mum down and without noticing, I started losing my marriage because of it.
My mum always seemed to know what the right thing to do was. Or at least, thats how it felt. Ever since I was little, Id learned to read her mood in her voice, the way she shut a door, even her silences. If she was happy, the house felt safe. If she wasnt well, I knew I must have done something wrong.
I dont ask for much, shed say, just dont disappoint me. But that just carried so much weight heavier than any rule.
When I finally grew up and married, I really thought my life would truly become my own. My husband, Tom, hes a calm, patient bloke. Hates arguments. At first, Mum liked him well enough. But then she started weighing in on everything.
Why does he come home so late?
Dont you think youre overdoing it with work?
He doesnt help you quite enough, does he?
At first, I just laughed it off and told Tom she was just worrying too much. Later on, Id start explaining things to her, justifying. After a while, I went further I actually changed what I did because of her.
Slowly, and without realising, I started living according to two voices. One was Toms soft, sensible, just wanting us to be close. The other voice was Mums always certain, always demanding.
Whenever Tom tried to plan a trip for just the two of us, Mum would suddenly fall ill. When we made plans, shed need me urgently. When Tom quietly told me he missed me, Id say, Try to understand, I cant leave her. And bless him he did understand. For a long time.
But then, one evening, he said something that shook me more than an argument ever could.
I feel like Im the third wheel in our marriage.
I snapped back. I defended her. I defended myself. I told him he was overreacting, that it wasnt fair of him to ask me to choose.
But deep down, I knew Id already made a choice I just hadnt admitted it.
After that, we spoke less and less. Wed go to sleep facing away from each other. Our chats became just about chores, bills, and the weather never about us. And whenever we did argue, guess who would always sense it straight away? Mum, of course.
I told you, didnt I? shed repeat. Men are like that. And I believed her. Out of old habit.
Until one day, I came home and Tom was gone.
He didnt make a fuss. Hed just left his house keys and a note that said: I love you, but I just dont know how to live with your mum between us.
I sat on the bed and, for the first time, I didnt know who to ring my mum, or him.
I called my mum.
Well, what did you expect? she said. I told you this would happen
And something inside me just broke.
It hit me then Id spent my whole life terrified to disappoint one person and lost another who just wanted me by his side.
I dont totally blame my mum. She loved me as best she knew how. But I was the one who didnt know when to set boundaries. I was the one who mixed up duty and love.
Now, Im finally learning something I should have learned ages ago: just because youre someones child, it doesnt mean you have to stay a child forever. And marriage cannot survive when theres a third voice in it.
Have you ever had to choose between keeping your parents happy and holding your own family together?
