Helen grew up in a quiet English village. It was there, amidst the hedgerows and quaint cottages, that Cupids arrow found her. She fell for Andrew, and the feeling was mutual. One day, they decided to leave their small hometown behind. They told their parents they were headed to London to earn enough for their wedding celebration. Truthfully, they went to work and save, but soon decided they didnt want to waste their money on a wedding.
They’d had enough of the capitals youth, who always arrived at their weddings in trainers and jeans, accepted gifts in pounds only, and swapped traditional wedding meals for buffetsor even a virtual ceremonyand used their wedding money for a deposit on a flat.
Thats precisely what Helen and Andrew did. However, when their mums visited their own hometowns, they threw them a small, modest party. They didnt have any friends in London, but thats beside the pointIm telling you this so youll have an idea about the couple and their personalities.
Its been five years since the wedding. They decided to wait before having children, so the two of them paid off the mortgage together. Helens mum was quite the firebrand: she raised Helen single-handedly, and every phone call she reminded her that she was absolutely ready to be a grandmother. Helen knew, however, that living with her mum would cause the marriage to unravel quickly. There was no urgency, so they took their time with starting a family.
Then Helen began to feel annoyed with Andrew in ways shed felt before, but previously shed managed to distract herself. She rang me up:
He spends ages chatting on the phone with other people, but with me its just a quick hello and goodbye… Youll have plenty to talk about once hes back from work. Id like to watch a gentle romance film after work, but he just stares at his horror films. How many TVs do you own? These days you can watch something on the computer with headphones. But its hardly family life if youre side by side but worlds apart. Exactly! I just dont think Andrew gets me! Quite an original complaint. Why are you laughing? Alright, I wont. Helen, when do you enjoy spending time together? When were on holiday or have guests over Hes so attentive then.
Our conversation lasted nearly an hour. She told me how they met and how the other girls had envied her. From what she shared, I realised Helen had an unfulfilled need to shine in front of others; in London, unfortunately, there was nobody to impress. That was the first issue. The second
Helen, what does your dream marriage look like? Definitely with children. Its natural to talk about kids, but many marriages fall apart once they arrive My husband should be interested in my mood, in how I’m doing at work He ought to notice my outfit and compliment my cooking He doesnt comment at all? No, he says its good, but thats not enough for me. Describe it for me He comes home, you serve him, say, bangers and mash, and then He rubs his hands together and smiles. Thats still a sort of compliment! Imagine if he pushed away his plate with a grimace and told you he wasnt hungry
Helen was silent; I dont think she quite grasped the real heart of her grievance. In some way, she was still annoyed with her husband. Id already figured out what was bothering her, but to be sure, I asked about her relationship with her mum.
It turned out her mother was a deeply emotional woman, always bombarding Helen with questions. When times were tough, shed reassure Helen that things would be alright.
They say we often marry people who resemble our parents, or at least those who show us plenty of affection. Helen, growing up without a father, never realised that not everyone is capable of expressing emotions so brightly.
I then told her that, in reality, shed been married to her mother for five years, and expected Andrew to behave exactly the same way. At first Helen was surprised, but after a moment she saw my point.
How do I divorce my mother, then? Its simple. Whenever you feel resentment, picture that Andrew has nothing to do with it; its your loving mother whos at your side. And Andrew cant compete with her! And thats it! Thats all! Then youll notice that the resentment fades away all by itself.
