Jane grew up in a little village in the English countryside. Thats where Cupids arrow struck her heart, and she fell in love with Tom. He returned her feelings, and soon enough, they decided to leave their small hometown behind. When they broke the news to their parents, they claimed they were heading to London to earn money for a proper wedding celebration. That part was truethey went to work in the city. But eventually, they decided not to waste their savings on a wedding.
Both of them had grown tired of Londons young couples, who would arrive at their own weddings in trainers and jeans, expecting cash donations only, and instead of a traditional feast, might throw a buffet or even settle for a Zoom ceremony, spending the gift money on their mortgage.
So thats what Jane and Tom did. Still, when their mothers returned to visit their home village, they threw them a modest dinner. And in London, the couple hardly knew anyone, so there were no local friends to celebrate with. All this aside, Im telling you so you can get a picture of them and their personalities.
Five years have passed since their marriage. They decided to wait before having kids, focusing on tackling the mortgage together. Janes mum, always fierce and independent having raised Jane solo, never missed an opportunity in their calls to remind Jane she was absolutely ready to be a grandma. But Jane knew living with her mum would lead to a quick breakup; there was no rush, so they took their time.
Eventually, Jane started having old grievances against Tom, ones shed had before but used to ignore. She rang me up:
He chats on the phone with other people for ages, but with me its just a quick hello and goodbye…
When he gets home from work, youll have plenty of time to talk.
I want to watch a peaceful romance after work, but he just stares at his scary films.
How many televisions do you have? These days you can watch movies on your laptop with headphones. But its not really family life if youre both together, heads buried in separate things.
Exactly! I feel like Tom doesnt get me!
Thats quite an original complaint.
Why are you laughing?
Alright, Ill stop.
Jane, when do you two enjoy yourselves together?
When were on holiday or if we have guests… Hes so considerate then…
Our conversation went on for nearly an hour. She recounted how they met, and how all the girls envied her for landing Tom. From what she said, I realised the real issue was Janes unfulfilled need to show off her relationship. In London, she had no one to impress, and that frustrated her. That was the first issue, and the second…
Jane, whats your vision of a perfect marriage?
Definitely children.
People always say that, but kids can break many marriages in the end…
My husband should care about my mood and work… He should notice what I wear and praise my cooking…
And Tom doesnt?
He says dinners nice, but thats not enough for me.
Describe it in detail… He comes home, you serve him shepherds pie and sausages, and then…
He rubs his hands together, smiles, and digs right in.
But thats a sort of compliment! I doubt youd prefer if he shoved the plate away and said he wasnt hungry…
Jane didnt reply for a bit; I could tell she hadnt fully grasped why she was upset. Her discontent was clear to me now. To confirm, I asked about her mum.
Turns out her mum was very emotional, constantly peppering Jane with questions and always comforting her when things went wrong.
Its often said people marry those who resemble their parents, or those offering boundless affection. Jane grew up without a father, so never realised not everyone openly expresses their feelings.
I then explained to Jane that shed essentially been married to her mother for five years, expecting Tom to copy her mums behaviour. She was surprised at first, but eventually saw the truth.
How do I divorce my mum then?
Its simple. Whenever you feel hurt, picture Tom as uninvolved, because its your caring mumno one can compete with her kindness. The resentment isnt about Tom at all.
Thats it?
Thats all! Youll notice your bitterness vanish on its own.
Reflecting on this, I learned something valuable: sometimes, we expect our loved ones to fill emotional shoes that arent theirs to wear. Letting go of those expectations frees us to appreciate people for who they really are.
