For twenty years, I apologised to my mother-in-law, until a friend of mine asked me a question. It was then that everything became clear.
Twenty years.
Thats how long Id been saying sorry to my mother-in-lawlike clockwork, without even thinking, as if it were simply a part of who I was.
Where are you? Ive been waiting half an hour already! her voice bristled with impatience over the phone.
Sorry, perhaps I didnt make the time quite clear I began, out of habit, even though my message had clearly stated: meet at three. It was only quarter to three.
This was how nearly all our conversations would begin.
That day we were meant to choose curtains for my daughters room. Id suggested just sending her some photos, but she insisted we go together.
These ones are nice, I said, pointing at some light beige curtains.
Beige? Thats completely impractical. Far better to have dark blue, she said, cutting me off. Ive raised childrentrust me, I know best.
So, in the end, we bought the blue ones.
On the way home, I sat quietly, staring out the window. Everything was normal, she was content, but deep inside, a heaviness was forming that I couldnt explain.
Later that evening, my close friend Lucy called.
You know what Ive noticed? she asked. Youre apologising for other peoples feelings.
That question stopped me in my tracks.
I started to remember.
Id say sorry when we didnt make it to a family dinner no one had told us about.
Or when I hadnt asked for her advice.
Or for getting a gift that was apparently inappropriate.
Id apologise that my daughter wasnt staying overnight.
As if I was responsible for her mood.
The most difficult realisation struck when I found an old photographme at ten years old. Quiet, withdrawn, as if I was apologising for simply existing.
I remembered my childhood.
An exhausted mother. Irritation. Phrases like, Its because of you that things are so hard.
And mea child who decided I was responsible for how adults felt.
That way of thinking stayed with me through adulthood.
Only now, it wasnt my motherit was my mother-in-law.
A week later, she rang again, annoyed that wed enrolled our daughter in ballet.
Normally, I would have started with,
Sorry…we didnt mean to upset you…well think about it
But this time, I took a breath and calmly said,
Im sorry you feel upset. But this is our decision as her parents. Its not a slight against you, nor am I to blame if our choices dont match your expectations.
There was silence on the line.
After hanging up, my hands shook, but inside I felt something newrelief.
When my wife said her mother thought Id been rude, I replied simply,
I wasnt rude. I just didnt apologise for something I hadnt done.
Later, my mother-in-law came round for a visit. For the first time, we spoke openly.
I just want to feel important, she said.
You are important, I replied. But as an opinion, not as a command.
That conversation didnt resolve everything. I still catch myself wanting to say sorry for things that arent my fault.
But now, I notice it.
And I stop myself.
I am not responsible for other peoples emotions.
And that was the most freeing realisation of my life.
A question for the reader:
How often do you apologise for things beyond your controljust to avoid a bit of conflict?
