Tanya was utterly exhausted. She had been on her own for six years since her husband left her. Her daughter got married a year ago and moved to another city.
Tanya was only forty-two, a wonderful age for a woman—her second youth. She was a skilled homemaker, known for her excellent cooking, especially her pickled cucumbers and tomatoes, which everyone called a masterpiece. But who was there to make these pickles for? The balcony was already lined with jars gathering dust.
“I’m not going to waste away alone, looking this good!” Tanya would say to her friends. They would reply, “No way! You need to find a husband! There are plenty of single men out there.” One of them suggested she try an agency called “Best Husband.” At first, Tanya thought it seemed a bit silly and pathetic to go to an agency. But then again, she was forty-two, and that number made her anxious. The old grandmother clock on the wall clattered out the passing time.
So Tanya went to the agency. A friendly woman in a bright red pair of glasses greeted her and said, “We really do have the best here. Let’s have a look through our database together, shall we?”
“They all look handsome,” Tanya chuckled. “But how do you get to know someone? How do you find out if he’s the one for you?”
“We’ve thought of that,” the woman replied. “We lend them to you for a week. It’s long enough to decide if he’s right for you or if you should keep looking.”
“You lend out men?”
“Exactly! He’ll stay with you for a week. We’re not coy brides here, we get straight to business. We don’t have any maniacs or lunatics, though.”
Suddenly, Tanya was intrigued. She loved the idea. Together with the woman in red glasses, they picked five candidates. Tanya paid a small fee and hurried home. The first candidate was supposed to arrive that evening.
Tanya put on a green dress—the color of hope—and a pair of diamond earrings she rarely took out of their old jewelry box.
Ding dong! The doorbell rang.
Tanya peeked through the peephole and saw roses. She squealed softly with joy. She opened the door. The man was elegant, yes, just like in the photo.
They sat at the table, Tanya had prepared a feast. She placed the bouquet in the center. Her heart fluttered as she glanced at her charming guest and thought, “This is the one! No need for anyone else.”
They started with a salad. Her potential future husband grimaced, “Why is it so salty?” Tanya smiled embarrassedly and served him some roast duck. He chewed a piece, “A bit tough, don’t you think?” He didn’t enjoy the rest either. In her flurry, Tanya had forgotten about the wine, which she had carefully selected. She poured it, saying, “Well, here’s to new acquaintances!” The guest sniffed the glass and took a sip, “Really cheap stuff.” He stood up, “Let’s have a look at your decor…”
Tanya grabbed the bouquet and handed it to him, “I don’t actually like roses. Goodbye.”
That night, Tanya shed a few tears, feeling hurt. But she had four more encounters to go.
The second suitor appeared the following evening. He entered confidently, “Well, hello there!” He reeked of alcohol. Tanya asked, “Have you already celebrated our meeting somewhere?” He smirked, “Oh, come on! Hey, got a TV? There’s a match on. Man United vs. Liverpool. We can chat during it.” Tanya snapped, “Watch TV at your own place.”
That night, she cried again.
A day later, the third candidate arrived. He wasn’t handsome, with a worn jacket and dirty nails. Muddy boots too. Tanya was considering how to politely turn him away, but decided to feed him first. He ate greedily and praised Tanya repeatedly. She even blushed. She brought out some pickles. “Goodness! This is the best thing I’ve ever eaten!”
Then the old clock struck. The non-handsome man listened, “What’s that noise?” He went into the room, climbed on a stool, and examined the clock, “I can fix this in no time! Got any tools?”
Soon, the clock was chiming sweetly again, and it warmed Tanya’s heart to hear such a pure sound. She thought this was surely a sign. The non-handsome man was meant to be her husband. He was skilled, and the untidy nails and boots could be easily sorted out. Plus, he was the third candidate—a lucky number.
They anticipated the night ahead. Tanya had prepared by going to a beauty salon and laying out some fancy sheets with big roses (she did love them, after all). When Tanya emerged from the bathroom, her guest was already dozing off on the bed, fully dressed. Tanya wasn’t bothered. She looked at him fondly, “He’s tired, poor thing.” And carefully slipped under the covers beside him.
Then the nightmare began. This man snored. With virtuosity, loudly, intensely. Tanya covered herself with a pillow, then him, then turned his sleeping body—it was useless. She didn’t sleep all night and was miserable.
In the morning, her guest came into the kitchen, where a gloomy Tanya was seated, “So, should I move my stuff here tonight?”
Tanya shook her head, “No, I’m sorry. You’re nice, but… No!”
The fourth, a bearded man, reminded Tanya of a hero from an old movie about adventurers. She even let him smoke in the kitchen. The bearded man took a drag and said, “Tanya, let’s set some ground rules. I’m a free spirit. I love fishing and hanging out with my friends. I don’t like people calling me all the time, asking where I am. Got it?”
Tanya watched as he ashed into a pot with her orchid and asked, “Are you also interested in other women?” The bearded man chuckled, “Why not? Like I said—freedom! It’s normal for a guy.”
After he left, Tanya aired out the kitchen for a long time. Her head was pounding, and she felt incredibly drained, as if someone had siphoned liters of energy from her. She didn’t even bother doing the dishes.
The next morning, Tanya awoke to sunshine streaming through the curtains, and chirping sparrows outside. She suddenly realized how content she felt. It was Saturday. She didn’t have to rush anywhere; no one was bothering her, no one was grumbling, shuffling, or snoring. The dishes? She could wash them when she pleased. It was peace and freedom.
Then her phone rang, “Tanya! It’s the Best Husband agency. You have one more candidate today, remember? He’s wonderful, definitely the one for you this time!”
Tanya practically yelled into the phone, “Take me off your list! Delete me from the database! No more! The best husband is the one you don’t have!”
And with a laugh, she flung open the curtains.
