Dreamcatcher
Again?! Sarah, Sarah! Wake up! Or she’ll wake the little ones! Grab her! Ellie slipped off her bed and shook her sister’s shoulder. Will she ever settle down…
Sophie tossed and turned in her sleep, her wails so mournful, they filled the whole bedroom with a feeling that made you glance over your shoulder, just to be certain no one was lurking behind you.
Like something out of a dodgy horror film! Sarah threw off her duvet and stumbled, eyes still shut, over to Sophie’s bed.
She threw her own duvet over Sophie, slid in beside her, hugged her tight and started, softly, to sing:
Hush little baby, don’t you cry…
Oh, bother, Ellie! This is no time for lullabies. Shes burning up! Go wake Mum!
Ellie hovered by the bed, sighed and finally padded down the hallway to her parents’ room. What else could she do? Sophie was as much Mums child as she was theirs. And Mum would have their heads if they hid anything from her.
In the master bedroom, everything was silent. Ellie reached her hand over the cot pushed up to her parents bed and gently touched Helens shoulder.
Mummy…
Helens brown eyes, just like Ellies own, flew open, as if she hadn’t truly been asleep at all. Her warm hand closed around Ellies fingers.
What is it, love?
Its Sophie! Mum, I think shes got a fever. Shes boiling, like an iron!
Ben whined softly in his sleep, and Helen immediately started to hum the old lullaby, just like Sarah had moments before:
Hush little baby, dont you cry…
She guided Ellies hand to rest on the side of Ben’s cot.
Rock him for me, darling, so he doesn’t wake up. I’ll go sort out Sophie…
Helen stood up easily, as if the twinge in her back from last weeks ladder tumble was forgotten, and she tiptoed towards the girls room, listening to the warm house settle into the quiet of the night.
That house was her pride and joy. How many times had she heard that she and Nick couldn’t possibly manage it the expense, the hassle that they’d be better off in a nice comfy flat…
Her relatives had shrugged and thrown out barbs, not at all shy about it:
Why dyou need all that space? You havent even got kids!
Every time, Helens heart clenched at the sting, her head dipped, like someone cold and indifferent had shoved her down. Couldnt have children? Not meant to be a mother? Then why look the world in the eye? Dont dare hold your head high! There are worthier souls…
Nick, seeing her shrink after yet another run-in with her mother or a disapproving aunt, would wrap her up in his arms and pull her close, marvelling at how perfectly her cheek nestled in the hollow of his neck. They seemed welded together, not only sharing warmth but each others very thoughts. As if one couldnt feel a thing without the other knowing it, too.
Let it go, Helen. Dont let them in your head. They havent got a clue what theyre talking about!
Dont they, Nick? Maybe theyre right. If we cant have children…
Well see about that! Nick seethed, hurt for her, promising himself to turn her dearest wish into reality.
It seemed possible if you had enough money, lived near London surely something could be done. But there was one clinic, then another, then a third… and everywhere: Sorry, were not magicians.
Helen hid her face from Nick, too, unable to tell him the thing she herself had quietly accepted long ago. Only when he began talking about building a house did she finally pluck up the courage.
Nick, not with me… I love you, you know that… But you should have a family. If I cant give you a child, then… Ill file for divorce.
You can dream on, Helen! Nick, frustrated, slammed his mug of tea down, scalded his fingers and did a little dance on the tiled kitchen floor, hissing, Youll give over with that talk! Im a straight bloke, Ill tell you right out, your mum wont like it but there we are! Who said Id ever let such a daft… Sorry, foolish… woman walk away from me?!
Me?! Helen, startled, looked up, forgetting her tears.
Yes, you! Whered you get that daft idea? I need you! And children well, if we have them, wonderful. If not… Thats just our lot. Not everyones meant to be a parent.
Helen couldnt just let it go. Men say all sorts now, but what about later? When youth fades and regrets creep in?
But Nick didn’t budge. Hed waited for her long enough, and she was the best thing in his life.
It was Helen’s second marriage. Shed been just nineteen the first time and mostly looking for a way out from her mothers endless criticism and control. Helen and her mum, Linda, always had a difficult relationship: Linda either sang her daughters praises to anyone who would listen or suddenly snapped, as if possessed, forgetting all the pride and affection from the day before.
How did I end up with such a hopeless child? Helen! Sometimes youre a genius; other times what goes on in your head, love?
If Helen knew the answer, shed have given it. But instead, shed shrink beneath Mums disapproving gaze, wondering how on earth you could still love someone who shouted at you.
Ask her if she loved her mum and shed answer, Of course! Not loving your mother what a silly idea. But growing older, Helen realised that neither a good education, a good job, nor lots of friends made a person truly warm or kind-hearted. Linda could impress anyone, people always flocked to her, she was clever and shrewd, and could size anyone up except her own daughter.
A week before her first wedding, Helen couldn’t help herself:
Mum, why dont you love me?
Linda had wrinkled her nose at Helens wedding dress and asked, Whered you get that rag?
Helen had spent weeks searching, sure her mum would like the simple, classic style. Lost for words, she finally blurted out what had been building for years.
Mum! Answer me! Im your only child. You and Dad seemed fine at least, I never heard you row. Whats wrong with me? Why are you so harsh?
Dont talk rubbish!
Its not rubbish, though… Nothing I do is right for you!
Just do something right! And itll all turn around! Stop winding me up! Get married if you want, but dont expect me to approve. Thats your decision, so if it all goes wrong, dont say I didnt warn you. You want me to agree with everything you do? Not happening! A mothers not just about cuddles, you know. Sometimes you need a telling off.
Need? Sometimes…
Enough now! Wait till you have kids and see!
See what, Mum?
How hard it is to love your own child! How hard it is to show you care! Havent I done enough for you?
Thats not the point…
Yes, it is! Your father just did his own thing. Girls are mothers’ business, he said. If youd been a boy…
It was then Helen understood: her parents had wanted a boy, and her arrival wasnt quite celebrated.
Good grief, medieval preferring a boy over a girl? Ridiculous… If I have children, Ill never make them feel unwanted. I hope…
The wedding, a pompous, silly affair, saw Helen squeezed into a corset, her mother clinging to her waist and sighing for the cameras.
Isnt it all lovely, darling? Arent you a beautiful couple? Are you happy?
Hard to say. Helen nodded, scanning the crowd for her friend to help with the corset, and didnt dare raise a fuss. She didnt want to hear, yet again, how wrong her choices were.
Her first marriage lasted barely more than a year. When her pregnancy ended suddenly, her husband packed his bags and left before she was out of hospital.
The flat her parents had bought her sat empty, and when Linda picked her up, she was already dictating Helens future, hands tight on the steering wheel.
Well let the flat, darling! Youre coming home. Enough larking about. Time to get serious! Finish your course, then well pick a proper husband for you. You made a mistake; now youll pay for it.
Helen said nothing. No point arguing. But that night, she went to her dad.
Dad, if you care about me at all, let me live on my own. I cant stay with you it hurts too much.
Why?
It just does…
This time, astonishingly, her dad understood. He set up an allowance for Helen and ordered Linda to lay off.
Thats my decision.
Normally unchallenged, Linda could only mutter. Later, when Helen got a part-time job and ditched her parents money, her mother suggested to her dad,
Leave her wages aside for her. She wont want to take it, but one day she might need it. Itll make me feel better.
Helen finished university, got a promotion, but her personal life didnt fall in place. She wasnt plain, but lacked that spark in girls that makes everything glow; she was like a dying ember, giving little warmth or light.
There was a reason. Complications from her lost pregnancy meant the doctors said shed likely never have children.
It broke her. She carried on with her work, saw family sometimes, but everyone noticed life had gone out of her.
Her Aunt Olivia Lindas elder sister raised it with Helen’s mum.
Have you seen your daughter lately? Shes like a statue. Her eyes are empty.
Helen, unaware of these talks, didnt notice the rise in family gatherings or hopeful young men chaperoned by aunts and parents.
At one of these parties, she met Nick. He wasnt a guest, not properly. Just the taxi driver whod chauffeured an aunt over and was surprised when a beautiful, pale, posh-looking woman yanked open the back door stuck in the snow and said,
Back to town, please!
Why had she snapped that day? Maybe shed had enough of family shows: in her family, it was tradition to parade the honoured child on a chair and have them recite poems for Mummy everyone suffered it. Now, watching another blushing, stuttering kid, she just wanted to whisk them away and bolt from a house where good manners mattered more than the childs actual heart.
That day, Nick asked no questions. He drove her home, grinned when she started rummaging in her coat.
Forgot your purse?
Yes… left my bag at the party. Ive got my keys, but my wallet Ill run up and get it.
No need. Give me a smile, and well call it square.
She frowned, shook her head.
Please wait; Ill be back in a moment.
Nick didnt wait. When Helen came down with her emergency fund, hed gone. She stood under the covered entrance way, then shrugged and went upstairs, wondering what sort of meeting fate had handed her.
Her mum noticed the escape and laid into her for disrespecting family values; her dad just said, next time, warn someone dont cause a panic.
Nick showed up at her block the next morning. Off to work, Helen barely blinked at the sight of his taxi in the car park.
Hop in!
Nick was calm, confident and a bit funny, especially as, in her tall heels, Helen was nearly a head taller than him.
Hang on, Ill be right back!
She scooted back to her flat, swapped for ballet flats and climbed in beside him.
Thats how it all began.
Helen was wary, not understanding why she felt what she felt, or why she, Helen (daughter of a professor and a businessman), was drawn to a taxi driver. In her familys eyes, it was an odd match. But something about Nick felt warm, kind something shed always missed. She decided: this relationship was worth it. No matter what Mum might say.
And Mum did speak her mind, oh did she ever.
Ill disown you! Hear me, daughter? Ill cut you off and curse you. Helen, come to your senses! Is he really your match?
Linda ranted for weeks, but Helen had finally learned to put her own wishes first. For the first time in her life, she was certain.
She told Nick about her situation long before their wedding.
Well? Helen turned her gaze down, twiddling a silly soft toy Nick had given her. We may never have kids. Do you get that?
And? Is that the only reason people get married, to have children? I love you, Helen. Kids or no kids.
Thats easy for you to say now…
Itll still be true in years to come. My dad raised me to keep my word and a mans word is his bond. Understand?
They got married at the local registry, and had their wedding in Nicks village with his family. Helens parents refused to attend. Her mother wanted nothing to do with the new in-laws, and her dad dropped in at the end, dry congratulations and gone again, leaving Helen wondering how much trouble he was in with Mum.
Helen got on with Nicks parents, surprisingly, though not right away.
Shes a slip of a thing Nicks mum, Patricia, tutted, peering at Helen. Nick, youll have to make sure you feed her properly. If she wont cook, well, I taught you well enough! Off we go, no time for sulking, Helen; lifes too short. Now, come on! Help me with the jam. Dont trust the men, half the fruit disappears and theres nothing left to cook!
Nick choked with laughter at Helens lost expression.
Dont call him, he knows! Off we go!
Sitting at the plain kitchen table with its oilcloth cover, Helen realised she liked this life. She liked the house, the warmth, the way people welcomed you: not stiff and polished, but honest. She liked not having to wonder whether she’d been accepted, because being trusted with the best strawberry jam recipe meant more than you’d ever be told. Nick’s parents were as kind as he was.
And when she told them about her situation, his mum Patricia dried her hands, hugged Helen close and said,
Oh love, what a shame… But listen, thank you for your honesty. Some would have kept it secret. And you never know, love works in mysterious ways.
But we dont even have a house to fill yet…
You will. Married the right man, you have. I only say that because its true. Its what he was raised for to stand by his choices. In a family, women make the difference. And men like to believe otherwise, but we know better. The neck turns the head, Helen. Thats the truth.
It took Helen time to believe Patricias warmth was real. Patricia, who herself was adopted, suggested,
If you cant have children, why not foster? I wasnt my parents by birth, but I never loved anyone more. Parents are made, love, not just born.
Helen listened. She stopped letting her mothers opinions shape her life.
The house grew, thanks to Nicks new haulage company and his dads help. Helen, now a solicitor specialising in property, began laying her own plans. She and Nick completed foster parent training, and began searching for their own child.
They didnt wait long. Not long after the first call from social services, Nicks mum rang in a flap:
Im lost! Therere children you know the Smiths, next-door neighbours? The mothers up and gone, abandoned them social services have stepped in. Theyre good kids. I know them like my own… I realise you wanted just one, but theres three. Big responsibility, but theyre not strangers, are they? Think about it, Helen. Youd be saving them from a childrens home.
Breathe, Mum! Nick called, nodding at Helen as she started pulling her trainers on, Take a valerian tablet, kettle on; were on our way.
And just like that, Helen became Mum to three children.
Seven-year-old Sarah and six-year-old Ellie, after some gawping and suspicion, peered at Helen.
Dont worry we see youre nice.
And two-year-old Sam? Within a fortnight, he was saying Mummy, shadowing Helen everywhere, delighted by everything on offer: pie? Yes please. Swings? Great! Cuddles? Always. The thread between Helen and Sam was obvious to everyone but her own family.
Oh, what nonsense! Helen, what are you thinking? Three kids, and that background too! How did they give them to you?
Mum, Im a solicitor…
Oh, dont I know it…
Mum! Ive always obeyed you but now, Ill make my own choices.
Hah! Youve not listened for ages. First it was Nick, and now…
Helen put her phone down, looked at it and, for a moment, realised it: shed finally grown up.
Time passed. The children thrived, keeping Helen busy, till there were no free moments at all. She took on just enough freelance legal work to keep her hand in, focusing fully on her new-found role.
She didnt realise she was pregnant until late chalking her bodys changes up to stress and tiredness. Nick found her one morning, gazing at herself in the bathroom mirror.
Get your things were off to the clinic.
Where?
Doctors orders! This isnt normal.
Patricia, who was visiting, patted her cheek, stirring three pans of pancakes on the go.
Listen to him. Go see the doctor you look green. Still, I reckon I know whats up…
Oh?
Youll see. Go on, and Ill make breakfast for when youre back. You need your strength!
And when the news came, Helen couldnt believe it.
No way. You must be lying!
Careful with your words, miss! See for yourself he showed her the sonogram. Theres your no way. Want your husband in?
Helen sobbed, staring at the odd black-and-white shape she thought shed never see.
Ben was born that winter, filling their house with trouble and joy in equal measure.
Sarah and Ellie took the arrival of a brother coolly: more to help Mum with. Like they knew what to do.
But Sam resented the baby and clung tightly to Helen.
Sam, darling, Im here… Youre still my boy.
It took all her patience to convince him he was still loved. But just as things were settling down, fate took another turn: and Sophie entered their family.
It was because of Sophie that Helen and her parents were finally reconciled, but the events were so awful that neither she nor Nick hesitated for a second about bringing yet another child into their growing family.
Sophie was the daughter of Helens cousin, Anna, who lived far away. Helen rarely saw her, and mostly knew about her daughter through family news. So when her mum called in the middle of the night, shocked and babbling, Helen knew something was wrong.
Mum! Please I cant understand you! Whats happened?
Oh, Helen! Anna… Her husband oh God, I knew there was something wrong with him… Shes gone, dont you understand?! Annas gone! And her child is alone. Wholl want a daughter whose father… Who could…?
Mum, calm down! Where is Sophie?
How should I know?! Helen, how can you think of that now…
Aunt Olivia, thank heavens, was more practical.
Ill find out and call you back.
Within half an hour, Helen knew which care centre Sophie was in, and a couple of hours later, she and Nick were on their way to the airport, leaving the children with Patricia.
It wasnt easy to get Sophie out she was terrified, wouldnt speak, shied at her own shadow.
Helen would be woken by the older girls shouts, go to the girls room, sit on Sophies bed and soothe her:
Sophie, darling, youre home. Im with you. The girls are right here. No one will ever hurt you again.
But it wasnt enough. Sophie couldnt believe her life had really changed.
Will Mummy be back soon? hiding her face in Helens shoulder, ashamed the girls had heard her screaming.
Sweetheart, for now, youll stay with us. And Mummy…
Following the psychologists advice, Helen tried to avoid the subject, but soon Sophie figured it out herself.
She isnt coming back, is she?
Helen hesitated, but then looked Sophie in the eyes.
No, darling. She wont.
Sophie took it quietly, crying softly and, for the first time, not shying away from being hugged by the other girls.
Still, another week on, and Sophies night-time terrors had the whole house on edge.
Sarah and Ellie did their best to help.
Granny, why does Sophie still get so scared? We werent like that…
Because youre strong, dears. Life tested you. The strengths in you, even if you dont know it yet. Sophie she grew up protected. She doesnt know how to survive.
What can we do, Granny? Her screams scare us too. Sam wakes up, comes to our bed, wont sleep except with Mum, or me, or Ellie. How can we help Sophie?
If only I knew… All fears need love. If she feels loved, really loved, one day the nightmares will stop.
The girls tried everything: toys, hairbands, even a new blouse Ellie offered No, it suits you, keep it, Sophie said.
Teddy bears, colouring books nothing worked.
Help came unexpectedly, from Sam. Patricia, with whom hed spent the weekend, had given him a book about Native Americans, and he insisted on coming home early.
Why? I thought you wanted a sleepover?
Gotta go. Frowning, Sam dug his heels in.
He dashed to his sisters room, pressed the book under their noses.
Look!
What, Sam?
Its a dreamcatcher! If we make one for Sophie, the bad dreams will stick in this web and shell stop crying.
Sarah clapped in delight; they all crowded over the picture.
Lets try!
Helen bought threads, beads; two of Patricias best geese gave up their finest feathers, and the household got busy.
Sam sat on the floor with his sisters picking the best beads, whispering, A blue one, ’cause thats your favourite, a red one like mine, yellow for Sarah, white for Ellie…
Sophie didnt know; they kept the project a secret, just in case.
Still, Sophie cried out again that night.
This time, when Helen came to her, Sophie reached out:
Dont send me away!
Helen rushed to her, shocked to find her burning with fever.
Oh, sweetheart! Youre so hot! I wont give you to anyone, I promise.
Not even him?
Who, darling?
Daddy…
And in that moment, Helen understood: Sophie had seen what had happened to her mother.
Frustrated that no one had told her, Helen held her tight and barked at the girls:
Phone, now! Im calling the doctor! And get Dad!
Im here, Nick entered, kissed Sophies forehead, drew back in alarm.
Yikes…
Quite. Nick, what do I do the ambulance wont get here fast enough…
Lets try Mums way!
How?
Nick snatched Ellies bedsheet and ran for cold water.
Fetch some Calpol and loads of water! Sophie needs to drink!
The next half-hour was a blur. Helen fought for her daughter, not questioning if her heart was big enough for yet another child. Now she knew: it already was. She just hadnt admitted it to herself she had five children.
The paramedics gave her no grief for being a mess in a soaked pyjama, clutching a sleeping girl, half crying, half laughing, kissing her forehead.
Shes come down… You mean the fever? Any risk of a fall, head injury?
The fever, not a fall…
Oh, thats all right nothing left for us to do, then. Call your GP in the morning.
Helen woke in the girls room hours later. Above the pillow was their makeshift dreamcatcher.
Whats that? she asked Ellie, stroking Sophies curls.
Dreamcatcher, Mum! We finished it while you slept. It was Sams idea his new book said itll catch the nightmares. But I dont think we need it now.
Whys that?
Cause Sophies got one already.
Oh?
You! She held your hand and didnt scream again. So you took away the bad dreams, didnt you?
Seems so… And you know what? Shes got more than one dreamcatcher.
How many?
Count! You, Sarah, Sam, Dad, me, Granny when shes here, Granddad at weekends… Loads.
Helen looked at the clock.
Crikey, is it lunch-time?
Dad said not to wake you. Mum, Ben isnt even hungry; Dad gave him his bottle. Grannys here, actually both of them! Granny Pats moving in for a bit to help, and Granny Lindas staying too. They had a bit of a row, but now theyre having tea! And, Mum, Granny Pats brought a real live chick! Sams beside himself hes glued to the kitchen, wont take his eyes off it. Maybe its time we get a cat? Or a dog? Weve got the space, after all!
Sam would poke his head round the door quietly to say lunch is ready, but within moments hed curl up next to Sophies bed, his head on Helens hand, glowing with happiness from her touch.
Patricia would pop in, Ben in her arms, nod, and send the children down to eat.
Ill bring you yours. Hows she?
Helen, sinking into her pillow, would smile in relief.
Not hot any more…
Thank goodness! The poor little mite. Psychologists pfft. What that child needs is love and a warm home it fixes everything, believe me. Whats that thing?
The odd craft on the wall caught Patricias eye, and Helen giggled.
Dreamcatcher! The girls made it for Sophie.
Did they now? Well, loves here, the house is in order… the rest is time. That, in the end, heals.
Helen would watch her mother-in-law go, bend to kiss Sophie’s forehead banishing even the shadow of old sorrow.
Shoo! Off you go. Shes mine now all ours.
Childrens laughter would roll from the kitchen, Patricia would shout back, Linda would laugh much to Helens shock Nicks van would honk outside, home for lunch. Helen would hug Sophie close.
Now, finally, everything is how it should be. Everyone’s home, everyone belongs and, just maybe, theres room for another, one day. Who knows? Time will tell.
