Born Son “Len, you won’t believe it! Matvey and I have decided to fly to Turkey again next year!” My stepdad was glowing with happiness. “He says he has to stay at that hotel with the sea view again. What can I do—he’s my own son, after all!” He made sure to clarify—his “own” son. “I’m happy for you,” she replied, remembering how good life had been before Matvey entered the picture, “Your own son… You always told me we were a family. That it didn’t matter whether I was your biological daughter or not.” He did say that. That she was his daughter, whether or not she was blood. “There you go again, Len! Of course you’re my daughter, no question! You know I love you just like my own. But Matvey…” He didn’t even realize he was proving her point. “Matvey’s a son. And I’m just an acquaintance, I guess.” “Len, come on! You are like family to me!” “Like family… Did you ever take me to the seaside? In all these fifteen years you’ve called yourself my father?” He hadn’t. Arthur used to say there was no difference between her and Matvey, but Lena could hear in everything he did for his son that the difference was enormous. “It just never worked out, Len. You know money was tighter back then. You’re not a child, you know how much two weeks in a five-star resort costs… It’s expensive.” “I understand,” Lena nodded. “It’s costly to bring me. Yet Matvey, whom you met just six months ago, you want to buy a flat for with a mortgage, so he’ll have a place for his wife. Am I right in thinking those expenses are less concerning when it’s your son?” “I’m not buying any flat. Who told you that?” “People who care.” “Tell your sources not to spread rumours.” A flicker of hope lit in Lena. “Really, you’re not?” “Of course not. Oh, guess what! Can you guess where we’re going Saturday?—Actually, let me just say it—go-karting! He used to take part in races at uni, and I thought I’d join in for the fun.” “Go-karting,” Lena repeated. “Sounds exciting.” “It sure does!” “Can I join you?” The question slipped out before she could think. Arthur, clearly unwilling, started to stammer: “Uh, Len… Honestly, you’d be bored. It’s a lads’ thing, really. Matvey and I, you know, we’ve got to talk about our father-son stuff.” It hurt. “So you’d find it fun, but not me?” “It’s not like that…” Arthur fidgeted nervously. “We’ve never even met until recently. We’re trying to catch up. We just want to go, the two of us. Can you understand?” You can understand. “Understand” had become the cruelest word in their new vocabulary. She was supposed to understand that being biological mattered more than being adopted. She was supposed to accept her place—out on the sidelines. Matvey really was good. He’d grown up without a father, and in spite of everything, excelled at everything, everywhere. Smart, handsome, kind. “Dad, I helped out at the animal rescue. Fixed the kennels.” “Dad, did you know I graduated with honours?” “Dad, look! I repaired your phone.” He wasn’t just a son—he was the perfect son. That evening, after Arthur had visited a little while and gone back to his, Lena sifted through old photographs… Arthur’s wedding to her mum (who had died five years back, leaving Lena and Arthur alone). Here they are at the summer cottage… Here’s Lena graduating from school… Nothing would ever be the same. *** “Len, are you awake? I’ve got a question. It’s urgent.” Her stepdad turned up at eight in the morning. “What’s so urgent?” Lena swept her fringe back and put the coffee on. “It’s about the flat for Matvey.” “So it’s true?” she breathed out. “I’m sorry, but yes… it’s true.” “And you lied to me.” “I didn’t want you to worry. But I need your advice! I think I need to act quickly. He’ll get married sooner or later. While he’s young, it’d be good to get him settled. I remember how it was for me…” “Then go get a mortgage,” Lena said through gritted teeth, completely uninterested in the flat for Matvey. Matvey truly had it good! “Yes, yes, I know. But you’re aware of my credit history… And Matvey, he deserves help from the father he never had.” “So what are you getting at?” “Will you help—if I ask?” “Depends what you mean.” “Let me explain. I’ve got £20,000 for a deposit, but the bank won’t give me a loan. They’ll give one to you, though. You’ve got a clean record. We’ll put it in your name, I’ll pay it off. Honestly.” Any illusion that “there’s no difference between you two” crumbled. There was a difference. No one’s putting Matvey’s name on the line. “So Matvey gets the flat, and I get the debt? That about right?” Arthur shook his head with such wounded sincerity, as if Lena had suggested it herself. “What do you mean! I’ll make all the payments. I’m not asking you to, just to have your name on it. Think about it…” “You know, Arthur, I’m not thinking about whether to get a mortgage or not—I’m thinking about how you don’t see me as your daughter anymore. You’ve got a son now. You’ve known him six months, me fifteen years, and all that matters is that he’s family.” “That’s not true!” Arthur flared. “I love you both!” “No. Not the same.” “Len, that’s not fair! He’s my own…” Curtain. She was no longer his daughter. Adopted, convenient, sufficient—until the real thing came along. “I see,” Lena tried to be civil. “I can’t, Arthur. I’ll need to buy a flat myself. I definitely can’t manage two mortgages.” Arthur seemed to only now remember she was without her own home. “Oh, right, you’ll need one at some point… But you could help for a couple years. I’ve got the deposit. Not much more to add.” “No. I’m not putting anything in my name.” She never expected Arthur to understand. “Fine,” he said. “If you can’t help as a daughter… then I’ll sort it myself.” Whether he ever truly saw her as his own or not didn’t matter now. Now she only saw Arthur in photographs. One evening, scrolling through her news feed, she saw it. A photo at the airport. Arthur and Matvey, both in pale jackets. Arthur with his hand on Matvey’s shoulder. Caption: “Off with Dad to Dubai. Family—the most important thing.” Family. Lena put her phone down. She suddenly remembered a moment from childhood, long before her mum married Arthur. She was five. They lived simply, and her doll—her grandmother’s gift—broke. She cried. Her biological father had said, “Len, why do you care about rubbish? Don’t bother me.” She was never allowed to bother him. His main interest was a bottle. Lena never really had a father—but she’d thought Arthur had made up for it… Before long, Arthur tried again to convince her. “Len, I think we need to work on your trust issues…” “What trust issues, Arthur? I said no.” “You just don’t get it. Matvey… he never knew me. No father growing up. I need to make it up to him. He’s a grown man—he needs a place. And you don’t even have to do anything, just put your name down. I promise, you won’t spend a penny.” “Who’s going to fill in my gaps, then…” And that, unexpectedly, made him angry. “Lena, enough! I don’t want an argument. I love you, truly! But you’ve got to see… Matvey is my real family. You’ll understand if you ever have kids. Sure, I love you differently, but it doesn’t mean I don’t need you.” “I’m needed. As a resource.” “Len, calm down! Don’t exaggerate.” “You switched to him in just six months, Arthur,” Lena said. “I’m not asking you to choose. The choice was obvious. You spoke the truth: Matvey’s your flesh and blood. And I… I never was.” Six months passed. Arthur didn’t call. Not once. One day, scrolling her feed, she saw a new photo. Arthur and Matvey in the mountains. Arthur in stylish ski gear. Caption: “Teaching Dad to snowboard! Sure, he’s a bit old for this, but with a son—anything’s possible!” Lena stared at the picture for a long moment. She reached for her desk to finish her report, when a message arrived from an unknown number. “Hi, Lena. It’s Matvey. Dad gave me your number—he can’t bring himself to call. He found a way to sort the flat without your help, but he worries about you. And he wants you to come visit over the bank holiday. He can’t explain it, but he really wants you there.” Lena typed and erased her reply several times, then settled on— “Hi Matvey. Tell Arthur I’m so glad everything’s working out for him. I’m thinking of him too. But I can’t visit. I’ve got my own plans for the bank holiday. I’m off to the seaside.” She didn’t add that she’d bought her own ticket—nor that it wasn’t Turkey but Brighton. And she was going with a friend, not her father. Lena hit send. And realised she could be happy without him.

My Own Flesh and Blood

Liz, you wont believe it! Matt and I have decided to go back to Spain next year! My stepdad was absolutely beaming. He says he cant do without that hotel overlooking the sea. Well, what can I do? Thats my own son.

He didnt realise how pointedly he said own son.

Im happy for you, I replied, thinking back to the days before Matt appeared in our lives. Your own son But you always told me we were a family. That it didnt matter whether I was your own or not.

He had. He told me I was his daughter, said it made no difference if I was born to him or not.

There you go again Come on, Liz! Of course youre my daughter, thats not up for debate! You know I love you as if you were my own. But Matt

He didnt even hear himself confirming what I felt.

Matts your son. And me, I suppose Im just an acquaintance.

Liz, dont be like that! Im telling you, youre like a daughter to me!

Like a daughter Did you ever take me to the seaside? Not once in the fifteen years youve called yourself my father?

He hadnt. Arthur always said there was no difference between me and Matt, but I heard the endless stories of what Arthur did for his son and I knewthe difference was enormous.

It just never worked out, Liz. You remember how tight money was back then. Youre not a child, you know how much two weeks in a five-star hotel costs Its expensive.

I get it, I nodded. Wouldve been quite a cost to take me, right? But for Matt, whom you found out about six months ago, youre already thinking about getting a mortgage just so hell have somewhere to bring his wife. I suppose thats a minor expenseif its for your son?

I havent bought any flat. Who told you that?

Just people.

Well, tell those people not to spread rumours.

For a moment, I felt a spark of hope.

Really, you havent?

Of course not. Oh! Guess where were off to on Saturday? He didnt wait for me to answer. Go-karting! He was in some competitions back at uni, and Ill just tag along.

Go-karting, I echoed. How exciting.

Exactly!

Could I come with you? The words escaped before I could stop them.

Arthur, who obviously didnt want me there, started making excuses.

Er Liz Youll be bored. Really. Its a, well, a blokes thing. Matt and I want to catch up, talk father and son.

That stung.

So its fun for you, but not for me?

Not like that Arthur fidgeted, Just, weve never really spent time together in our lives. Were trying to make up for lost years. Its better if its just us two. You understand, dont you?

Do I? You understand had become the cruelest saying in my new vocabulary. Apparently I was meant to understand that blood was thicker than water. That my place was now outside the fence.

Matt really was brilliant, Ill admit. Raised without a father because his mother had never told Arthur about the baby, he had overcome all odds and excelled at everything. Clever, handsome, generous.

Dad, I helped out at the dog shelterthey needed the kennels fixing.

Dad, did you know I graduated top of my class?

Dad, look, I sorted your phone.

He wasnt just a son. He was the perfect son.

That evening, after Arthur had gone back home, I looked through old photos Arthur and Mums wedding (Mum, whod died five years ago, leaving the two of us). Theres us at the cottage Me finishing school

Nothing would ever be the same again.

***

Liz, are you awake? I need to talk. Its important. Arthur showed up at mine, barely eight in the morning.

Since when are you up so early, let alone coming over?

I pushed my hair back with a headband and started the coffee machine.

Its about a flat for Matt.

So its true, then? I exhaled.

Sorry, yes its true.

So you lied to me.

I just didnt want to upset you. But I need your advice! I think I should move quickly. Hell want to get married soon, and while hes still young itd be good to get him his own place. You know what it was like for me

So get a mortgage, I snapped. I really didnt feel like talking about buying Matt a flat. Matt had certainly landed on his feet.

Yeah yeah, I know. But you know my credit historys terrible And Matt needs help. He deserves to have his father, who was never there, buy him a place.

So what are you getting at?

Will you help? If I ask?

Depends what you want.

Let me explainlook, I have £20,000, thatll do for a deposit. But the bank wont give me a mortgage. Youd get approved, youve got a clean record. Id put it in your name, take out a mortgage, and Ill be the one making all the payments. Honest.

The illusion of no difference between you two finally shattered for good. There was a difference. He wasnt asking Matt to take the fall.

So, Matt gets a flat. I get the debt? Is that it?

Arthur shook his head, looking so wounded, youd think Id suggested this to him.

Thats not fair! Ill pay Im not asking you to stump up the money. Just need it in your name. Think about it

You know, Arthur, Im not deciding whether to take the loan or not. Im thinking about how you dont see me as your daughter anymore. Now you have a son. The son youve known for six months, while youve known me fifteen years, but for you, it only matters that hes your own.

Thats not true! Arthur flared. I love you both the same!

No. Not the same.

Liz, thats not fair! Hes my own

Curtain. I wasnt his daughter anymore. I was adopted, convenient, necessary only until the real thing came along.

I see, I tried to be polite. I cant help, Arthur. Ill need to get my own flat one day. No way Ill get approved for a second mortgage.

Arthur suddenly remembered I didnt yet have a place of my own.

Oh, right youll need somewhere too He fiddled with his watch. But right now, while youre not buying, you could help me. Ive got twenty grand. It wouldnt take much more. Its only for a few years.

No. Im not signing for anything.

I didnt expect Arthur to understand.

Fine, he said, If you cant help me as a daughter then never mind. Ill sort it myself.

Whether hed ever truly thought of me as his daughter, it no longer mattered. Now, Arthur existed only as a face in my old photographs.

One evening, scrolling through the feed, I spotted something.

A photo in an airport. Arthur and Matt. Both in pale jackets. Arthur stood with his hand on Matts shoulder, and at the bottom it said, Off to Dubai with Dad. Family is everything.

Family.

I set my phone aside.

I suddenly remembered something from my early childhood, long before my mum married Arthur. I was about five. We lived very modestly, and my doll from my gran had broken. I cried and my birth father said, Liz, what are you sniffling about that nonsense for? Dont bother me.

You could never bother him, unless you were a bottle of whisky. I might as well not have had a father. But I thought Arthur had stepped in to be one for me

Some weeks later, Arthur tried again to change my mind.

Liz, I think we need to work on your trust issues

What trust issues, Arthur? I told you no, plain and simple.

You just dont understand the situation. Matt he never knew me. He had no father, and Ive got to make up for all those lost years. Hes a grown man, he needs somewhere to live. And youre not even really involved, you just need to be there on paper, I swear you wont spend a penny.

If someone would just make up for what I missed out on

That riled him.

Liz, enough! I dont want an argument. I do love you, really! But you must realise Matt is my real family. One day when you have your own kids, youll get it. Yes, I love you both, but not the same, if Im honest. That doesnt mean I dont need you.

You need me. As a resource.

Liz, calm down! Youre overreacting.

You switched to him in six months, Arthur, I said. Im not asking you to choose. But the choice was obvious. You told the truth: Matt is your own. And I never was.

Six months passed. Arthur never phoned. Not once.

One day, scrolling the same news feed, I saw a new picture.

Arthur and Matt. Standing on a snowy mountain, Arthur wearing the latest ski outfit. Caption: Teaching Dad to snowboard! He might be too old for this, but with a son, anythings possible!

I stared at the photo for a long while.

I reached for my desk to finish my report, when my phone buzzed. Unknown number.

Hello, Liz. Its Matt. Dad gave me your number but didnt have the nerve to call you. He wanted me to let you know he sorted the flat without you, and he cares about you. Hed really love for you to spend the May bank holiday with us. He cant find the words, but he asks you to come.

I typed, deleted, retyped my reply several times.

Hi Matt. Tell Arthur Im glad things are going well for him, and Im thinking of him too. But I wont come. Ive got plans for May. Im off to the seaside.

I didnt say Id bought my own ticket and it wasnt Spain, but Brighton. And I wasnt going with a father, but with a friend.

I hit send.

And realisedI could be happy without him.