– And don’t forget the bananas for Grandma Audrey! Remember, she likes the small ones! Last time you brought who knows what! Emma! Is it really that hard to do what you’re asked?
Emma Louise Fletcher, chief accountant for a large firm, mother of two children and a fairly happy wife, sighed and nodded into the air, not pausing to consider that her mum couldnt see her right now. It was enough that Emma knew her mother would know exactly how she’d responded to her instructions.
– And don’t just nod, Emma! Actually do it! I know what you’re like! You need to grow up!
Emma refrained from nodding a second time. She simply said, Alright, Mum, I will! and ended the call.
Grow up Sure! At forty-something, clearly she still hadnt.
There were thirty minutes left of her working day, and Emma tried to focus on her report. It didnt go well. Her mind was all over the place. And mostly with gloomy thoughts. But she was a good girl. Thats what her mum always said.
Our Emma is so bright! Such a good girl!
It was sweet, back in nursery school. A little goody two-shoes in ribbons and a frilly skirt. An angel!
Ahem. A mischievous angel at best. Because when her mum came to pick her up, she was usually met by a scruffy tomboy, not a neat little girl.
Emma! What on earth is on your head?
A nest! Mrs. Green said so. She suggested I stand quietly in the play area so birds could come and hatch some chicks in it. At least my hair would serve a purpose!
And where are your ribbons?
Dont remember! Daniel took one. He needed a rope for his anchor. Mum, did you know his dad made him an actual boat? Mrs. Green brought in a washing up bowl full of water to show usit was wonderful!
And the other ribbon?
No idea. Jenny asked for it and now its gone. Mum, why does the wind blow?
Emma!
What?!
Leave me alone with all your silly questions! Ive got a headache!
Emma would stop talking, stealing glances at her mum the whole way home. Maybe her mum was ill? What if her head never got better, and shed have to throw it away, like the eggshells her mum tossed in the bin when she made eggs in the morning?
Emmas imagination was always wild, and before theyd made it halfway home, shed be quietly sniffling and then howling, driving her mum mad.
“Emma! What’s with the performance?”
She could never explain; she just felt so sorry for her mum and her aching head that she wanted to wail even louder, just like Peggy, their neighbours dog.
Peggy was a daft thinghowling for any reason and none. But true drama happened when her owner, Mr. Jenkins the local plumber, went on one of his drinking binges. Then Peggy howled for days on end, making the neighbours crazy and the kids beg their parents to rescue her. Their parents would grumble and call the community warden, but Peggy stayed put. She only stopped once, and that was when Mr. Jenkins never returned. All the neighbours realised something bad had happened.
They saw Mr. Jenkins off as a community. He was a good man, always ready to help. Just weak-willed, as Emmas mum put it.
That day, as Peggy sat on the step watching the procession of people and flowers, Emma, who hadnt gone to school due to a dentist appointment, stroked Peggy, but the dog didnt even wag her stumpy tail. Emmas mother took her hand and they went to the dentist, and when they returned, Peggy was still sitting there, motionless and cold. Emma could have sworn, if she made a cross on her tummy like Daniel showed her, that the little dog was crying.
Mum, why dont we see her tears?
Emma never understood the meaning of that question at the time. But her mum flinched, knelt by Peggy and gently said,
“Come on, Peggy Lets get you inside. Hes not coming back.
Whether the dog understood, Emma didnt know. Her mother, getting no response, simply scooped her up and said,
Lets go! We need to look after her.
And thats how Peggy became Emmas dog. She lived a long life after that. Emma didnt know how old she was when she lost her first owner, but Peggy lasted another seventeen years with her family. Emma finished school, went to university, even marriedand never once did Peggy howl again. She was obediently walked, given baths, and cuddled, but she stayed silent. Even at the very end, she simply gave a deep, human-like sigh and closed her eyes, her nose tucked into Emma’s salty palm. Emma never got another dog, not even when her children begged; she just couldnt, remembering the wise, soulful eyes of Peggy.
In truth, Emma was a happy child. She had everything a child could ask formum, dad, two grandmothers, a battered rabbit toy, and pancakes with proper clotted cream at the weekend. And there was Grandma Maureens cottage, her fathers mum, where Emma rarely went with her mum. Why that was, Emma never knew at the time. It was one of those grown-up secrets you dont tell children. It was always fun for everyone at the cottage except her mum, but Emma was too young to notice.
She also took trips to the seaside with her other grandma, Audrey. Emma adored her, because Audrey always spent time with her and didnt mind answering any of Emmas never-ending questions, unlike her other grandma, who kept things close to her chest.
For heavens sake, Mum! Why do you tell her that? Emmas only little, she wont understand a thing!
Shes not daft, she understands everything. You were the same at her age!
Emma laughed so hard watching her mum get flustered. She may not have understood half the stories about where babies came from, but it was fascinating, and next time she thought shed ask why grown-ups didn’t always tell children the truth.
And really, she had good reason to wonder. Grown-ups tried, as best they could, to hide the arguments and tears from Emma. But sometimes thered be muffled rows behind the bedroom door, and then quiet weeping from her mum. Grandma Maureen pursed her lips at the cottage and ignored Emmas mum, so Emma would tug her into the kitchen, where Maureen baked her cherry pie.
Mum, come on! Grandma says she’ll teach you the proper way. You should learn to make this pie at home! It’s yummy, and you can’t do it yet!
Her mum would gently pull her hand away and shake her head: No.
No one rushed to explain what was happening. Everyone kept up appearances. Later, Emma realisedits complicated. Just because people are related doesnt make them truly close.
Her parents divorced when Emma was ten.
The party her mum threw for her and her friends was in full swing when the front door slammed, and at Emmas surprised look came:
Well thats that.
Peggy, quick to grasp the seriousness, nudged against her mum in comfort. One of the other girls called Emma away for cake, and by the time shed rushed back to get her mum, her mum and Peggy just stood together, both silent and staring into space. When Emma asked if they were coming in, her mum startled, forced a bright smile and said:
Of course! Dont keep the guests waiting!
And moments later she appeared in the sitting room, balancing the cake shed agonised over all nighthoping for a little praise at last.
When everyone had left, her mum ushered Emma to the kitchen and handed her a spoon:
Did you like the cake? Good! Never mind the diet, Emma, and never mind anything else, for that matter. One day well have our day!
Emma didnt get what day her mum meant. And life wasnt exactly full of those days, given that all the maintenance her father sent barely stretched to kit Emma out in clothes, let alone treats. Family celebrations dwindled, except for her own birthday and Christmas. Her mum’s birthday went uncelebrated.
Grandma Audrey, never shy of little ears, insisted her daughter should find a new man. But Emma could see it irked her mumshe always replied:
Ive had enough. Thats plenty, thank you.
As she grew, Emma often wondered: what if her mum had moved on, remarried? What if shed let herself be happy again? Emma imagined brothers or sisters; her mum laughing instead of complaining of headaches.
In reality, her mum rarely smiled anymore, growing stricter each year. Emma worked hard to avoid snapping back, but as a teenager sometimes she failed. Each time, Peggy would appear, baring her little teeth at Emma, and that was enough for Emma to beat a hasty retreat to her room or to Grandma.
Peggy could bite, and Emma knew first-hand. After a particularly heated row, Peggy came into Emmas room, gently nipped her ankle, and left. The faint bruises reminded Emma: you dont argue with those who know better.
Grandma explained much to Emma. She was always direct.
What do you expect from her? Any woman would become prickly if she had no love in her life.
But we love her, Grandma.
Oh Emma, its not the same. A woman needs to feel like a woman. Not even children or parents can give her thatonly a man. You wont understand yet. I do. When I lost your Grandpa, I was only forty. Way too early. I had a few, well, flings, but Dont laugh! I havent always been like this, you know! But I loved your grandfather, and I still do. Accepting flowers or dining out is one thing, but sharing a life every day is quite another. Oh, youll understand when youre older.
Im only sixteen, Grandma!
So? Your mum was barely eighteen when she ran in to say shed met your father. She didnt care that he could live perfectly well without her. Some said she fell for him like a cat. But I knew she really loved him, without any illusions. She knew it was hardhis parents never accepted her, and he was the favoured one. She put up with it all she could. Only one thing she never forgave.
What was that?
His cheating, love. Sorry to spell it out, but better from me than anyone else. Your mum suffered, Emma. It hurts when your soul is torn apart by scorn and advice you never asked for. But Im not telling you all this to make you hate your father. No point. Everyone has the right to live their life. Why waste precious time on hate? Hes happy nowyou know that. So, be glad for him, even if it sounds odd. Youre half him, half your mum. You cant just cut part of yourself off.
Mum never said a bad word about Dad.
Of course not. Shes clever. She knows hell always be your Dad. And youll always be his little girl. Why make matters worse?
Do you think she still loves him?
I do. Thats why she wont change anything.
Grandma, do you reckon Ill love someonelike thatfor life?
I dont know, pet. I can only hope the one who comes into your life deserves that kind of love.
Emma met her own husband, Ben, just as her grandma predictedcharging down a corridor to her first university exam, running straight into a tall, awkward chap. She didnt see his face, but she noticed his quick reflexes as he caught her and stopped her from smashing into the floor. His voicestill with a trace of a breaklaughed:
Youre so fast, Ill never keep up! Give me your number, quick, before you race off again!
She didnt, but after her exam, there he was waiting with a grin.
Not in a hurry now, are you?
They married three years later. Initially, they lived with Emmas mum, but Emma knew it wasnt sustainable.
It was tough. Her mum didnt take to Ben, saw him as no pillar for Emma.
Whats this software developer thing? Hes glued to a computer eating snacks all day. Youll end up living with a baby elephant!
Oh, honestly, Mum. Are you rationing his sandwiches?
I worry about you more. Youll regret it
Ben fought hard to change his mother-in-laws view, and after almost ten years succeeded. Eventually, Emmas mum admitted, Alright, hes a good man.
By then, Emma and Ben had their own little home. Ben lived at the office trying to get his start-up running, while Emma dashed round doing viewingsestate agents only earn if their feet do the work. Their firstborn was looked after in turns by Grandma and Great-Gran, both still lively and in good health.
Signs of trouble came while Emma was expecting her second.
Emma, who do you think you are? Gone an hour without a word! Im busy, you know! her mum snapped, stirring Ben’s favourite leek and potato soup. All done! I’m off now. Next time, plan your time, and mine!
Emma stared, confused. Shed left for her appointment the day before, not today. Her mum had spent the whole morning cooking, and now acted as if Emma had vanished on her instead.
Emmas mum flatly refused to see a doctor.
No need for all that fuss! Im perfectly healthy! Better worry about Grandma; she definitely needs a doctor.
Emma raised it with her dad, who found a good GP willing to call at the house.
Im afraid theres not much I can do. There must be a proper assessment, but I can say this: youre facing a tough time.
Emmas hands went cold. How could it be her mum? She was still young! What was wrong with her health?
There are so many reasons, the doctor said. Will you feel better knowing every possibility? Maybe focus on minimising the problem.
Is it possible?
Medicine advances, yes, but its not a miracle yet. We can try to slow it, keep her comfortable, buy some time. Maybe things will change. Perhaps therell be a new breakthrough.
From that day, Emma realised everything had changed. She didnt like it, but it was unavoidably trueher mum was her closest person. She had her husband, children, grandma, and dad, buther mum was her world. It was her duty to make sure her mums days were as calm as they could be. The doctor said avoiding stress was part of the medicine.
Emma hated remembering how she coaxed her mum into moving in with themBen had done his part, and the cottage Emma found was soon theirs, despite stretching their finances.
Well manage. The main thing is we’re together now. You can relax.
Emma hid her face on Bens shoulder, thinking shed never relax again.
And she was right.
Her mum would forget where she was living, intent on returning home.
Mum, your rooms down the corridor.
Why are you giving me your guest room? I have a house!
Of course you do, but I need you here with the boys, and Grandmas not well. Please, stay!
Alright, but dont think this will be forever. I have my own life, you know!
Of course, Mum.
Oh for heavens sake Emma, what would you know! At your age!
If not for Grandma, who kept an eye on her mum, Emma would have lost her mind.
Gran, does she really not remember anything?
She remembers a lot, Emma. Things from long ago. In fact, she remembers stuff Ive forgotten. And you know, I realise how little time I gave her as a girl. It was always nursery, school, after-school club A couple of hours a day, if that. Dash home, do the chores, check the homework, and off to bed. No time to talk. I only became a proper mother with you, Emma. Your mum shes my regret. How I wish I could have some of that time back. Maybe all this is happening so shell forgive meher father, her childhood, everything. She moans, complains, but its nothing. When your mum looks at me oddly, searching for recognition, I know shes no longer hurting. She smiles. Its terrifying, Emma. But in a way, its good. Every mother just wants her child to be happy, if only for a moment. In those moments, I know shes happy. Young and welleverything ahead of her. Love, you and sorrows she hasnt met yet. Goodness, how do you bear it, Emma?
I dont know, Gran. I really dont.
Emma saw how hard it was for her gran to watch her only child slowly slip into a world closed to everyone else. Many times Emma found her mum sitting at Grans feet while Gran sat motionless in her chair, and Emma would quietly ask:
“Shall I take her away?”
No, love. Let her be just for now.
Gran died only a year after Emma realised their lives would never be the same.
Look after her, Emma! With all your heart! I cant anymore
Emma just nodded, biting her lip, trying not to show her gran how frightening it was to be left alone to handle it all.
Dont think of her as your mum anymore. They say we become children again in old ageit’s true. Children live by heart, not by head. I beg you, think of her as your child now. Have patience. If you ever need to scream, do it. Just dont let her hear. And when youre done, remember: have patience. Love her the way youd want your own children to love you, one day. Promise me!
I promise
How often will Emma remember this conversation? Countless times. Even today.
She checked her watch, sighed, reached for her bag. Purse, car keys, umbrella. That was everything. Time to pick up the eldest from football, the youngest from school, and thento the shop. For bananas. The small ones, just as Grandma liked.
Because when Emmas mum sees the bananas, shell think, just for a moment, that Grandma is still with them. Shell only have to take a few steps down the hall, ignoring the carers puzzled look, open the lounge door and see that same old chair that never fits the décor but will remain as long as its remembered. And grumble:
Emma! When are you going to clean the upholstery? How many times must I say? Did you buy the bananas? Grandma will be here soon. She asked.
Of course, Mum! Take a seat. Ill make you tea.
And the seat will be warm again. And theres still timeto press her cheek into familiar hands, to catch that stern but gentle look, to smile at her mothers words:
Emma, whats happened to your hair? Wheres your hairbrush? Fetch it, Ill do your hair! Heavens, look at the time You should be in bed! What will you have for breakfast? Porridge or pancakes?
Today I realise: love is the only thing that matters when memory fades. In the end, what we do in kindness is rememberednot in our minds, but in our hearts.
