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Every Man for Himself — Mum, you can’t imagine what’s happening on the market right now, — Max was nervously rifling through a stack of printouts, first arranging them in a perfect pile, then fanning them out across the kitchen table. — Prices are changing every week. If we don’t put down the deposit now, this flat will disappear from under our noses. Lydia slid a cup of cooling tea towards her son and sat down opposite. The printouts flashed with floor plans, numbers, amortisation charts. A three-bed in a new build, a proper bedroom for Timothy and Sophie, at last, their own rooms. — How much are you short? — Eight hundred and twenty thousand, — Max rubbed his brow. — I know it’s a lot. But Anya is already at her wits’ end, the kids are growing up, and we’re still living hand-to-mouth in rented places… Lydia looked at her son and saw the little boy who once brought her dandelion bouquets. Thirty-two years old, father of two, but the same little furrow between his eyebrows as when, as a child, he fretted over unfinished homework. — I’ve got savings. There’s money in my account. — Mum, I’ll pay you back, I promise. As soon as we’ve settled in, I’ll start putting it aside. She covered his hand with her own, roughened from decades of cooking and cleaning. — Max, it’s for the grandchildren. Don’t talk about paying me back. Family’s worth more than any money. At the bank branch, Lydia filled out the forms in neat handwriting, honed by thirty years as a bookkeeper. Eight hundred and twenty thousand — nearly everything she’d put away in recent years. For a rainy day, just in case, ‘you never know’. Max hugged her tightly at the counter, ignoring the queue. — You’re the best, Mum. Really. I won’t forget this. Lydia patted him on the back. — Off you go, now. Anya’s probably waiting. …The first months after the move blurred into a carousel of cross-city trips. Lydia would turn up with carrier bags from Tesco — chicken, buckwheat, butter, kids’ yoghurts. Helped Anna hang curtains, assemble furniture, scrub builder’s dust from the windowsills. — Timothy, careful with that screwdriver! — she’d call, hanging curtains and teaching her daughter-in-law how to cook cabbage rolls at the same time. Anna would nod, scrolling through something on her phone. Max appeared in the evenings, tired after work, wolfed down his mum’s cooking and vanished into the bedroom. — Thanks, Mum, — he’d toss as he passed. — Don’t know what we’d do without you. …Six months in, a familiar number flashed up. — Mum, listen… Our mortgage payment’s landed on the same day as the car repair. We’re thirty-five grand short. Lydia transferred the money, no questions asked. Young people have it tough, she understood. Adapting to new bills, little ones, stressful jobs. It’s fine — they’ll get back on their feet and pay her back. Or not. Did it matter, when it was family? Years flowed by, faster than water through your fingers. Timothy turned seven, and Lydia bought him a Lego set, the one he’d begged for six months. Sophie twirled in a new dress — soft pink, sparkly, just like her favourite princess in the cartoons. — Granny, you’re the best! — Sophie wrapped herself round Lydia’s neck, smelling of baby shampoo and sweets. Every weekend, Lydia took her grandchildren to hers, or to the theatre, the funfair, the skating rink. She bought them ice creams, toys, books. The pockets of her old coat always bulged with sweets and wet wipes. Five years churned past in this endless, voluntary slog. Money for the mortgage — ‘Mum, we’re really short this month.’ Sick days with the kids — ‘Mum, we just can’t get time off work.’ Groceries — ‘Mum, if you’re going to the shop anyway…’ The thank-yous grew less frequent… …That morning, she was staring at the water marks spreading across her kitchen ceiling. Rusty stains bleeding through the plaster. She’d been flooded; now living there was impossible. She dialled her son. — Max, I need help with the repairs. I’ve been flooded, no idea when I’ll get reimbursed… — Mum, — Max cut her off. — You’ve got to understand, I’ve got completely different priorities now. Kids’ clubs, activities, Anya’s signed up for some course… — I’m not asking for much. Just a hand finding a builder. Or at least… — I haven’t got the time right now, Mum, not for things like that, — Max repeated, as if he hadn’t heard. — Let’s talk about this later, yeah? I’ll call you. Dial tone… Lydia lowered the phone. Her screensaver flickered — a photo from last New Year’s Eve. Her, Timothy, Sophie. All smiling. The money he’d taken without a thought. The weekends she’d given to his kids. That time, that energy, that love — all of it was ‘before’. Now — ‘other priorities’. A cold drop from the ceiling hit her hand… The next day Anna called herself, a rare enough event to make Lydia wary before her daughter-in-law had even spoken. — Mrs Parker, Max told me about your chat. — Anna sounded put out. — You must realise, we all have to sort our own problems. We’re managing our mortgage by ourselves… Lydia almost laughed. The mortgage she’d been paying off every third month. The deposit, made up almost entirely out of her own pocket. — Of course, Anna, — she replied evenly. — Each to their own. — Glad we agree. Max was worried you’d be upset. You’re not, are you? — Not at all. Dial tone… Lydia set down her phone and gazed at it for a long time, as if it were some strange insect. Then she went to the window, but turned away at once — behind the dusty glass there was nothing to comfort her. Nights dragged into endless hours in which the ceiling weighed her down, and her thoughts would not let her rest. Lydia lay in darkness, leafing through the last five years, bead by bead, like a rosary. She’d created this herself. With her own hands, she’d nurtured in her son the certainty that a mother was an inexhaustible resource. In the morning Lydia called the estate agent. — I want to put my country cottage up for sale. Quarter of an acre, Hampshire, mains electricity connected. The cottage she and her husband had built over twenty years. The apple trees she’d planted while pregnant with Max. The veranda where so many summer evenings had been spent. A buyer was found within the month. Lydia signed the paperwork, refusing to let herself dwell on what she was selling. The money arrived; she divided it up: repairs, new savings account, a little set aside for the unexpected. The builders moved into her flat the following week. Lydia picked her own tiles, wallpaper, taps. For the first time in years, she was spending on herself, not on ‘rainy days’ or relatives who might need help. Max didn’t call. Two weeks, three, a month. Lydia kept silent, too. The first call came when the repairs were finished. The new kitchen gleamed, the windows didn’t whistle with draughts, the pipes had stopped leaking rust. — Mum, why haven’t you visited? Sophie’s been asking. — Been busy. — With what? — Life, Max. My own life. She visited the next week. She brought the grandchildren books — good presents, but nothing extravagant. She stayed for two hours over tea, chatted about the weather and Timothy’s schoolwork. Refused to stay for dinner. — Mum, could you watch the kids Saturday? — Max called out as she was getting her coat. — Me and Anna… — I can’t. I’ve got plans. Lydia saw the confusion on his face. He didn’t understand. Not yet. Weeks passed, and understanding came slowly, painfully. Without Mum’s transfers, the mortgage swallowed a third of their budget. Without a free babysitter, the kids were left without anywhere to go. Lydia, meanwhile, opened a savings account at a good interest rate. She bought herself a new coat — proper and warm, not from a clearance rack. Spent two weeks at a spa. Signed up for Nordic walking classes. She remembered how Anna’s parents had always kept a distance. Polite greetings at Christmas, dutiful visits every couple of months. No money, no help, no sacrifice. And no complaints from their daughter. Perhaps they’d always had it right. Rare visits with the grandchildren became a formality. Lydia would come, give modest gifts, chat about school and friends. Leave after a couple of hours, without staying over, not taking the children for the weekend. One day, Timothy asked: — Granny, why don’t you take us to the park anymore? — Gran’s got things to do now, Timmy. The boy didn’t understand. But Max, standing in the doorway, finally seemed to be starting to. Lydia returned to her newly renovated flat, smelling of fresh paint and new furniture. She brewed herself a good cup of tea, sat in a comfortable armchair bought with the proceeds from the cottage sale. Guilt? Yes, it sometimes hit her at night. But less and less. Because Lydia had learned something simple at last: love doesn’t have to mean self-sacrifice. Especially when that sacrifice goes unseen and unappreciated. She chose herself. For the first time in thirty-two years of motherhood…
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