Robert was woken up by the doorbell. On the other side of the bed, his wife stirred. He gently brushed his hand over her shoulder:
“Love, go back to sleep, Ill get it.” He shuffled to the door, muttering under his breath, “Who on earth is ringing at this hour?”
When he opened the door, there stood his Aunt Margaret, clutching a huge suitcase. Her husband, Uncle Albert, was shifting awkwardly behind her.
“My dear nephew!” Aunt Margaret exclaimed. “Arent you happy to see me? Come here, give your auntie a proper hug!” She grabbed Roberts arm like she meant to squeeze the life out of him.
“Peace and quietgone,” Robert thought wistfully as he hauled her luggage down the hallway.
The rest of the night was pure chaos. Aunt Margaret refused to sleep on the sofa, calling it “dreadfully uncomfortable,” then suggested Robert might like to tuck her in instead.
Roberts wife, Emily, was stunned. Barely an hour had passed since her aunt-in-laws arrival, and already the flat had been turned upside down. Eventually, everyone settledsort of. Aunt Margaret and Uncle Albert took the bed, while Robert and Emily were left with the sofa.
“How long do you think theyll stay?” Emily whispered the next morning, sliding a plate of toast in front of Robert.
“Not sure. Ill ask when I get back from work.”
Emily listened tensely to the snores rumbling from the bedroom, then said, “Robert, theyre terrifying. Cant you come home early today?”
“Ill try,” he said before slipping out.
When Robert returned from work, he was met with an elaborately set table.
“Come in, darling! Were having a reunion!” Aunt Margaret called from the kitchen.
Emily whispered urgently, “Thank goodness youre back.”
They all sat down.
“Auntie, how long have you been visiting?” Robert ventured.
“Already trying to kick us out? Were not welcome here, are we?” Aunt Margaret huffed at Uncle Albert.
“What? No, stay as long as you like!” Robert said, baffled.
“Oh, we willforever, in fact. Weve sold our flat. Youre our only family left. You wouldnt toss your dear old aunt onto the streets, would you? Surely you can manage a little longer?” She dabbed at an imaginary tear.
Roberts jaw dropped. Emily burst into tears and fled.
An awkward silence fell. Uncle Albert calmly kept eating his salad.
“Why are you so quiet?” Aunt Margaret snapped at him. “All you ever do is eat. Cant you say something?”
“Quite right, dear,” Uncle Albert mumbled.
“Youre hopeless!” she screeched. “Its always like thisI make all the decisions, and he just nods along. What sort of man is that?” She turned to Robert. “Are you happy, dear?”
“Stay as long as you want!” Robert said, just as Emilys sobs echoed from the hallway.
Robert picked at his plate. Uncle Albert chewed so loudly it sounded like thunder in Roberts ears.
When Aunt Margaret finally pushed her plate away, she leaned back with a sigh.
“Full now. Robert, love, I was only joking. Were here for a hospital check-upthree days, tops. You handled that beautifully. Scared stiff, but you hid it well. Thats family for you. When Im gone, youll inherit my flatno children of my own, you see. Youre my only heir.”
Robert had never felt such relief. “May you live a hundred years, Auntie!”
For those three days, Emily turned into a weeping mess, unable to please Aunt Margaretthe soup was bland, the chops too tough, the laundry all wrong, the floors never clean enough.
As they said their goodbyes, Aunt Margaret whispered to Robert, “However did you marry such a crybaby? Is she pregnant? She never stops blubbering.”
The moment the door closed, Emily danced with joy.
“Maybe theyll never come back,” she said hopefully.
“I wouldnt bet on it. I think Aunt Margaret quite liked it here.”
“I cant take it!” she groaned.
Then the doorbell rang again.
“Youve got to be joking” Robert jumped up, then laughed. “Oh, just the alarm clock.” A new, peaceful day awaited.
