Robert was jolted awake by the doorbell. On the other side of the bed, his wife stirred. He brushed his hand gently over her shoulder:
“Love, go back to sleep. I’ll get it.” He shuffled to the door, muttering under his breath, “Who on earth rings this late?”
When he opened it, there stood Aunt Margaret, clutching a bulging suitcase. Her husband, Uncle Albert, shifted awkwardly behind her, rocking from foot to foot.
“My dear nephew!” Aunt Margaret trilled. “Dont you look pleased to see me? Come, give your old aunt a proper hug!” She seized Roberts arm as if she meant to smother him in her bosom.
“So much for peace and quiet,” Robert thought gloomily, hauling her luggage down the hallway.
The night dissolved into chaos. Aunt Margaret refused the sofa, declaring it “positively medieval,” then suggested Robert might tuck her in himself. His wife, Emily, watched in mute horror as Aunt Margaret turned the flat upside-down within the hour. Eventually, everyone retiredthe aunt and uncle commandeered the bed, while Robert and Emily squeezed onto the couch.
“How long are they staying?” Emily whispered the next morning, setting a plate of toast before him.
“Dunno. Ill ask when I get back from work.”
Emily flinched at the snoring from the bedroom. “Robert, they frighten me. Cant you come home early today?”
“Ill try,” he mumbled before slipping out.
When he returned that evening, the table was laid with an eerie formality. “Come in, dear boy! Were celebrating our reunion!” Aunt Margaret crowed from the kitchen.
Emily caught his sleeve. “Thank God youre back.”
They sat down to eat. “Auntie, how longs your visit?” Robert ventured.
“Already trying to shove us out, eh? Listen, if were not welcome” She elbowed Uncle Albert, who grunted into his soup.
“What? Stay as long as you like!” Robert protested.
“Oh, we shall. Forever, in fact. Weve sold our flat. Youre all the family weve got left. You wouldnt toss your dear aunt onto the streets, would you? Surely you can endure us a little longer?” She dabbed an imaginary tear.
Roberts jaw dropped. Emily burst into tears and fled.
A heavy silence settled. Uncle Albert chewed his salad with infuriating calm.
“Why must you always be so useless?” Aunt Margaret hissed at him. “All you do is eat. Cant you at least say something?”
“Quite right, my dear,” Uncle Albert agreed.
“Youre hopeless!” she snapped. “Its always me making the decisions while you just nod along! What sort of man does that?” She turned to Robert. “Are you happy, dear?”
“Stay as long as you want!” Robert choked out, just as Emilys sobs echoed from the hallway.
He picked at his plate listlessly. The uncles chewed with such force it sounded like bones cracking.
When Aunt Margaret had devoured everything, she leaned back and sighed. “Oh, Im stuffed. Robert, darlingI was joking! Were just here for a hospital check-up. Three days at most. And you played along beautifully! You hid it well, but I could see you were terrified. Family first, always. When I die, youll inherit my flat. No children of my own, you see. Youre my only heir.”
Robert had never felt such relief. “May you live to a hundred, Auntie.”
Yet in those three days, Emily dissolved into a weeping messher soup too salty, her chops too tough, her laundry all wrong, the floors never clean enough.
As they left, Aunt Margaret whispered, “However did you marry such a drip? Is she pregnant? Cries at the drop of a hat.”
The moment the door clicked shut, Emily danced with joy. “Maybe theyll never come back!”
Robert shrugged. “I think they rather liked it here.”
“I cant take it!” she wailed.
The doorbell shrieked again.
“Not them already?” Robert leapt up. Then he laughed. “Oh, its just the alarm.” A beautiful day awaited.
