Im fiftyfive now, and at last I live for myselfno lingering guilt, no fear of being improper, no need to please anyone. My world is calm, soft, almost silent. The exhausting emotions that once wore me thin are gone. No one tells me how to live, what to wear, or what to dream about. I belong to me again.
Mornings unfold at my own pace. When I feel like it, I turn on a favourite record; when I prefer it, I simply soak in the quiet and the scent of freshly brewed tea. I stare out the window, watch the city of London waking up, and marvel at how right it feels to be in harmony with myself. No one scolds me for lingering over a novel or for a dinner that isnt on the table yet. Silence no longer frightens meits become my closest ally.
Once I believed a life without a partner was incomplete. From childhood were taught that a woman must be attached, that she should tend, dissolve herself, keep the hearth warm. I lived that way for years, forgetting myself while trying to be convenient, caring, proper. With age I learned that love isnt selfsacrifice. Love is respect, peace, acceptance. The first person I must love is me.
Sometimes a thought flickers: What if I opened up to a relationship again? But the memory of how much energy and nerves were drained by other peoples moods, expectations, grudges makes me want only to hold my freedom close. Its light as a morning breeze, it asks for nothing, and it feels right.
Now I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, with whomever I choose. I may wander through HydePark, or I may stay home, wrap myself in a blanket and watch old films. I can sit in silence all day, or I can ring my friend Clare and laugh until tears roll down my cheeks. No one controls me, no jealousy, no reports to file. Its an astonishing sensationto be free not just outwardly but deep inside.
I favour a life stitched together from pleasant moments: meeting, smiling, sharing a lovely evening, then each of us returns to our own cosy flat, where peace settles and no explanations are demanded. No drama, no relationship debriefs, no emotional rollercoastersjust human warmth, ease, and mutual respect.
I choose lightness. I choose myself. I finally understand that happiness doesnt arrive on someone elses armsits born inside. To feel it, I only need to allow myself to be genuineno masks, no roles, no terror of being alone. Solitude isnt a punishment; its a luxury once you learn to be selfsufficient.
Im fiftyfive. Im not searching, Im not fleeing. Im simply living. And each day is another chance to thank life for its calm, its lessons, its freedom, and for finally being at the centre of my own world.
