Im 39 years old, and for the first time in my life, Im admitting something thats hard to say aloud: I genuinely regret not having children. Its not that I never wanted to be a mother, but I spent years waiting for the right moment and the right man. For more than fifteen years, I built relationships with the belief that if the man wasnt the one, then it wasnt worth bringing a child into the world. And so, I let the years slip away.
My first long-term relationship started when I was 22. We were together for nearly five years. We lived together, talked about marriage, building a family, and a shared future. But whenever I brought up the idea of children, hed change the subject. He always said he wanted stability first, to travel, to save, really live life. I bent to his wishes. I convinced myself there was plenty of time. When our relationship ended, I repeated to myself that it was better not to have a child with someone the connection wasnt truly there.
Then I got married. I was 29 and thought, surely, now was the time. But my marriage lasted less than three years. I discovered infidelities, lies, and hidden debts. I left with no children and no responsibilities, feeling free but also hollow, with a gap inside I couldnt quite explain. Again, I reassured myself that Id done the right thingnot bringing a child into a relationship with someone who didnt deserve it.
At 33, I entered another serious relationship. He wanted children, but not the commitment. He wanted me to fit into his life, adjust to his schedule and his ways. When I mentioned starting a real family, he replied, when the relationship is ready. I walked away. And once more, I found myself alone, convinced that I was making wise decisions.
Now, at 39, Im without children and without a steady partner. I have a job, independence, my own flat. But there are evenings when I come home, put my bag down on the sofa, and the silence feels overwhelming. I watch my friends talk about schools, homework, vaccinations, teenage headachesand though I know it isnt easy, theres something they have that I dont: someone who calls them mum.
Im finally thinking about something I never dared before: I could have been a single mum. I could have stopped waiting for the perfect man and chosen to become a mother, regardless. I could have created my own kind of family. But I was so focused on doing everything right that, in the end, I did nothing at all.
