As I look back now, its almost as though I can see her Eleanor stepping out of the old St. Marys Hospital in Oxford, her coat buttoned tight against the chill, when she nearly collided with a man at the door.
Sorry, he muttered, his eyes lingering for just a moment before his expression shifted, cold and dismissive, as though she were invisible. He turned away, promptly forgetting her presence.
Eleanor had grown used to such looks, the ones that skipped over her and settled instead on willowy girls with elegant figures. Mens eyes would grow hungry and greedy at the sight of such beauties; for her, indifference or thinly veiled disdain. The injustice of it stung more than she could bear at times. Was it her fault she was fashioned this way?
As a small child, everyone had adored her chubby cheeks and plump little arms, her roundness was the pride of the family. At school, she always led the girls line at PE, first in line because of her size. The names they called her Fatty, Piglet, Pumpkin were almost bearable. The cruelest ones were best left forgotten. Children are often heartless. Teachers saw how Eleanors classmates tormented her, but they never intervened.
Eleanor tried diet after diet, but hunger gnawed at her, and every lost pound would soon return. She wasnt unattractive, quite the opposite but her fullness overshadowed her charm.
She dreamed of becoming a teacher, yet gave up that hope, fearing the taunts would only follow her into the classroom. Instead, after finishing school, she began her studies at the local nursing college. In sickness and pain, she thought, no one cares about your figure, so long as you can bring relief.
There were no boys in her class, and the other girls were either interested in themselves, falling in love, or getting married. Eleanor was always on her own. In lectures, her classmates would ask her to sit in the front row, using her broad frame as a shield so the lecturer wouldnt notice them.
She gazed longingly at the lovely dresses in shop windows, knowing she could never wear such things. Instead, Eleanor draped herself in baggy jumpers and loose skirts to conceal her shape. She excelled in her studies; her hands were skilled and gentle, particularly with injections, which the elderly patients deeply appreciated.
Once, the nurses invited her along to the ice rink. Teenagers passing by didnt spare her from their jeers. Look, the butchers is calling! they laughed. Their laughter nearly reduced her to tears.
Her mother would try to arrange introductions with the sons of friends. Eleanor even went on a couple of dates. One young man, seeing her approach, pretended hed come for someone else and turned away. Another, before theyd even properly greeted one another, tried to paw at her; she shoved him and he slipped, falling into a puddle. Whats your problem? Im doing you a favour whod want you otherwise? he shouted after her. The shame of it all was too much. She stopped dating altogether, preferring her own company.
On her social page, she put Fiona from Shrek as her profile picture. When some fellow online asked what she looked like in real life, Eleanor replied, Just the same, only not green. He assumed she was joking. Surely youre just tired of all the attention and want to fend off all those persistent admirers with that avatar, he wrote, then suggested they meet. Eleanor ended the conversation immediately.
One day, in the corridor at the hospital, a little boy about six barreled into her.
Where are you off to? Patients need their rest, you know, no tearing around, she scolded gently, taking his hand.
I wanted to slide down the lino, he admitted honestly.
Who are you with?
My dad, were visiting my gran. Oh, wheres the loo? he asked.
Come on, Ill show you, Eleanor led him down the corridor. Will you manage on your own?
Course I will, the boy replied, giving her a slightly patronising look. She didnt take offence at him, for some reason. Soon, she heard the flush from behind the door, and the boy rejoined her.
Well, now, lets find your grans room, shall we? she said.
He sighed and trudged along beside her. Stopping at a door, he put on a serious face and pressed a finger to his lips. Eleanor nearly laughed.
I think its this one, he pointed at the fourth door.
Think? Did you not check the number? Dont tell me you dont know your numbers, Eleanor teased, for this was the mens ward.
I know them all right, Im not a baby. I know my letters too. Look, its that one, he pointed to a door with the number five.
Oho, you cheeky monkey! Eleanor pretended to scold him.
He laughed, eyes mischievous. Whats your name?
Elliot, he blurted out, just as the door of the fifth ward swung open, revealing a tall, attractive man.
Illiot, what kept you? the man said, before noticing Eleanor. He glanced at her, his gaze flitting past her just as indifferently as all the rest. Has he been misbehaving? he asked.
Eleanor had seen no shortage of such indifferent, contemptuous looks from men.
He hasnt. Dont blame him, she replied, reproachful, and walked away.
Come on, say goodbye to Granny, its time we left, she heard behind her.
The next day, Elliot and his father visited again. The man walked past Eleanor without so much as a glance. She stuck her tongue out at his back. At that moment, Elliot turned and chuckled, giving her a thumbs-up. Eleanor grinned and waved.
Later, after the afternoon rest period, she went into the fifth ward.
Youre looking well today, Mrs Charles. Did your grandson visit? Eleanor asked.
You saw him, then? Isnt he a treasure? I do hope I live long enough to see what sort of man hell grow into.
Youve a long time yet. Youll be chasing great-grandchildren before you know it, Eleanor said cheerily.
If only. I worry after him, I do. Hes grown up without a mum, sighed Mrs Charles.
His mother?
Oh, shes not dead. She just upped and left, abandoned her son with us.
You said her? Eleanor was puzzled.
Elliots no blood kin of mine. We love him as if he were, all the same. My son married a real beauty. After the wedding, she admitted she already had a son. You cant start a marriage with a lie. My husband nearly had a heart attack over it, and now Im here in hospital.
Two years back, Elliots mother got a grand job offer abroad she was a model, you see. The boy simply didnt fit into her plans. All the women my son fancies are types like her: beautiful, self-obsessed. Elliot wont take to them.
All day Eleanor thought of Mrs Charless story. That evening, when she went in to give her injection, she found the old woman sniffling.
Now, Mrs Charles, you mustnt fret, remember? Eleanor said sternly.
Im not fretting. Look here. She handed Eleanor a piece of paper.
On it was a drawing of a little boy holding hands with a man and a woman. It was quite obvious this was Elliot and his parents.
Elliots looking for a mum. I think thats you in the picture, Eleanor.
No, it must be his mother, Eleanor objected.
He doesnt remember her. She was ever so slight, but look here hes drawn the mother bigger than the father. Yes, its you. See for yourself, Mrs Charles insisted.
It was unmistakable the woman Elliot had drawn was larger than the man. Even a child sees how big I am, thought Eleanor bitterly. A handsome man like Elliots father would never want someone like me. Day-dreaming, Eleanor, thats all this is.
From then on, whenever Eleanor came to do Mrs Charless injections, they would have a few words together. The next time Elliot visited, he came right up to Eleanor.
Hello. Do you have reliable hands? he inquired.
I suppose so, she said, a little flustered.
Granny said shes in safe hands. Shell be home soon, wont she? My birthdays next week, he burst out eagerly.
I think shell be home in time. How old will you be?
Six, he answered proudly. Will you come to my birthday party?
Thank you, Id love to, but Ill need to ask your father, replied Eleanor.
Ill go ask him right now, Elliot said, running back into the ward.
A moment later, Ivan Elliots father and his son stood waiting by the nurses station.
Dad, you promised, Elliot tugged his sleeve as Eleanor approached.
I remember, Ivan replied, then turned to Eleanor. Youre invited to my sons sixth birthday. Heres the address and telephone number. Well expect you at one oclock on Saturday, if you dont have other plans, that is.
Oh, your details are already in our records, blushed Eleanor. And I have no plans.
I hadnt thought of that, Ivan said. Elliot will be looking forward to it. If you dont come, hell be disappointed, and so will my mother. And youve said yourself, she shouldnt be upset.
A week just enough time to try and slim down a bit more, Eleanor thought grimly.
At home, she told her mother about Elliot.
You must go. Boys always understand more than grown men. Maybe it will work out with his father. Dont look at me like that the boys looking for a mum.
His father hardly glances in my direction, Eleanor said, despairingly.
Dont over exaggerate. For him, its not just about feelings; its about whats best for his child. Otherwise, hed have married another model long ago.
On Saturday, Eleanor took care fixing her hair and put on her favourite dress, even applied a touch of mascara. She peered at herself in the mirror, displeased. No amount of prettifying could make her slimmer.
Shed bought a present the moment she was invited Elliot will be waiting, so I have to go, she sighed.
The moment Eleanor pressed the doorbell, the lock clicked immediately. Her heart hammered in her chest.
Its Eleanor! Elliot dashed forward, arms wide as they would go, and hugged her.
She ruffled his cropped hair and handed over her present. His eyes lit up at the colourful box.
The sitting room was set for a party: a table laden with food, Ivan seated, beside him a striking blonde. On the other side an elderly gentleman Elliots grandfather, she presumed.
The blonde, all model-like poise, raised an eyebrow and glanced Eleanor over, from head to toe.
Meet my rescuer, Eleanor. This is Boris Charles, my husband. You know my grandson. And this Mrs Charles didnt look at the blonde is Ivans friend, Sarah.
The blonde gave another haughty arch of her brow.
Mrs Charles, serving salad to Eleanor, inadvertently brushed her sleeve against a wine glass, sending its contents into the blonde’s lap. Sarah leapt up, and chaos ensued as her chair crashed behind her. Flustered, Sarah made her excuses to go. Nobody tried to stop her. Eleanor, too, wanted to leave.
Please dont take offence, but Ivan began.
You didnt spill anything on me. Nothing to take offence at. But its probably time for me to go too, Eleanor said.
Mothers got her special pie for dessert. Dont disappoint her. Afterwards, Ill drive you home.
They drove in silence for a while.
I could have got back myself, you know, Eleanor said at last.
My mother would never forgive me if I hadnt taken you. Youve been popping up in my life rather a lot lately. I wouldnt be surprised if Mother is plotting to marry us off.
I dont love you, you dont love me. I dont intend to marry you, she replied, her voice unsteady. Dont worry, Ill do my best to stay out of your way.
At that moment, they arrived. Eleanor tried to open the door, but it was locked.
Please open the door, she insisted.
Ivan suddenly leaned over and kissed her. Eleanor shoved him away.
What are you doing? Bored with blondes now? Looking for a change? Ah yes I ought to be grateful for the attention, right? Her eyes flashed, cheeks burning. In that moment, she was utterly radiant, though she hardly realised it. Ivan stared, captivated.
The blondes hed dated were always ice-cool, convinced of their own perfection.
Im sorry. I dont know what came over me. I never meant to offend. Its just, well
Yes. No mans ever kissed me, save those who thought I should feel lucky, like you. All anyone ever does is pity me or look away before they even bother to learn who I am, she blurted angrily, then left the car.
August turned chilly quickly that year, rain beating against the windows and leaves blown in the wind. Three weeks had passed since Elliots birthday, and in all that time, Eleanor hadnt seen Ivan.
After work one evening, she kicked off her wet boots with a sigh.
A young man came round for you, her mother called from the hallway.
Which man?
Smartly dressed, handsome, seemed worried. Left his number, asked you to ring.
Eleanor wasted no time, slipping away to the kitchen with her phone.
It was me who called. Elliots come down with something. Would you be able to come? The doctors ordered injections
Ill be right there! Eleanor grabbed her things without delay.
As she headed out, she realised shed forgotten to check if they had injections and wipes, so she popped into the chemist to get everything just in case.
Elliot lit up when he saw her. Sweat matted his hair to his forehead, but his temperature had dropped. Eleanor washed her hands and prepared the injection antibiotics and vitamins.
Remember what Granny said about my safe hands? Dont be afraid, she reassured him as she spotted his anxious look.
He squeezed his eyes shut, but then grinned bravely. That didnt hurt much!
Ivan watched her with new intensity, focusing on Eleanor like no one had before. She blushed, more lovely for it. Her heart fluttered.
Once more Ivan drove her home.
Eleanor, would you come out to a café with me sometime? I feel like weve never really talked.
Youre doing this for Elliot, arent you? Dont. Ill start hoping, but youll never love me. Im well Im too big for that.
Big? Who ever said that? Youre warm, kind, gentle. Children see through people they get it right. Elliot likes you, and so do I. I reckon we could be a proper family.
And if Elliots mother returns?
She wont. Shes sent over the papers given up her rights and all. Married again. Elliot is mine. So, will you go out with me?
Yes, Eleanor said simply.
Theres a person for everyone in this world, a true companion with whom even sorrows are easier to bear, and joys doubled and it doesnt matter what shape or appearance that companion takes. Not all soulmates find each other, and sometimes, even when they do, they fail to recognise kindred spirits. Love perhaps its only love that lets us see past the surface, that lets us glimpse the graceful swan beneath the awkward feathers, the tender soul inside the girl so often overlooked. The one whos meant for you and you alone.
