6th November
I walked home through the pouring rain today, tears streaming down my cheeks and mingling with the fat drops that spattered my face. At least, I thought bitterly, the rain is heavy no one can tell Im crying. What a relief, in some small way.
And all the while, my mind kept churning, scolding myself: My own fault, really. Should never have turned up when I did. An uninvited guest what was I thinking? I kept trudging along, shoulders hunched, sobbing quietly, then suddenly found myself laughing the memory of that old joke popped into my head. The one where the son-in-law says to his mother-in-law, Oh, you wont even stay for a cup of tea, Mum? And now, here I was, the very mother left standing awkwardly in that hallway. Laughing and crying, crying and laughing what a mess I am.
By the time I reached the flat, I was soaked through. I slipped off my wet things and wrapped myself in a blanket, no longer bothering to hold back the tears. No one to hear me anyway, except for my little goldfish drifting around his bowl on the shelf. No one at all.
I suppose, if I think about it, Ive always had an interesting life. Plenty of men fancied me over the years. But things with Nicks father well, they never worked out. He started out just having a drink here or there, nothing too alarming. But the drinking grew worse and then came the jealousy. Over everything the stranger who asked me the time, the butcher at the shop, even the neighbour from downstairs, or the elderly man with his walking stick.
One day, just for smiling at the neighbour, he lost it completely. That was the first and last time he ever hit me. He knew exactly what he was doing, sharp, precise blows to my sides, right in front of little Nick. My boy described every awful detail to my mum and dad. Mum broke down in tears Is this why I raised my daughter, for her to be battered by some drunken brute? she wailed. Dad didnt say anything. He just left, calm as could be, and minutes later, my husband found himself thrown from the fourth-floor landing. Broke his arm on the way down. Dad simply shook his fist: Come near my daughter again, and youre done for. Id rather go to prison than ever see you hurt her again.
And just like that, he was gone for good. I never remarried it didnt seem worth the risk. I had Nick to raise, and you never know what a second husband might turn out to be.
Over the years, a few men tried their luck, but I could never let them close. Once was enough.
I was lucky, though. My career worked as a catering manager in a small local bistro was steady and brought in enough to get by. Never had much to complain about, truly. I even managed to save for a flat. But then, Nick decided to get married. Lovely girl, Charlotte, with a cheerful laugh that lit up the room.
After their wedding, I handed over the new two-bedroom place to them. It was only right they needed it more. I stayed back in my little flat and got on with things. Now Im saving what I can to help them buy a new car. How much longer do they have to rattle around in that ancient Ford, I keep thinking.
Today, I hadnt even planned to call on them its not like me to foist myself on the kids. But I happened to be nearby, caught in a proper English downpour, and thought perhaps I could pop in until it passed, chat with Charlotte over a cup of tea, as women do.
But when she answered the door, Charlotte just stared at me, surprise freezing her features. She didnt even invite me in.
Did you want something, Mrs. Harris? she asked, cold as ice, arms folded across her chest.
I stuttered, flustered, Oh, nothing really. Just the rain, I
Its cleared up now, youll be fine to walk home, she said, peering out the window and cutting me off.
Meekly, I nodded, Yes, yes, of course, and stepped back outside, blinking tears into the rain. I cried as I walked home and then, after a while, I slept.
In sleep, the strangest dream. My goldfish had grown enormous, swimming in circles and mouthing words at me. I understood regardless. Crying, are you? Silly thing. Not even offered a cup of tea when you were soaked through! And youre still saving for their new car? Going to spend your whole life doing things for them? Why dont you do something for yourself? Take that money, go to the seaside you deserve it.
When I awoke, it was dark and the flat was silent aside from my goldfishs eternal swimming. Of course, I couldnt actually speak fish, but Id heard enough in that dream. I suddenly knew what I needed to do. No point sacrificing everything for people who dont appreciate it, who wont even let you wait out the rain.
So I took the money Id saved for Nick and Charlottes car and I booked myself a week at the coast. I went, I lounged in the sun, I walked the sand and I came back feeling ten years younger. Tanned, cheerful, and not a bit ashamed.
Nick and Charlotte never noticed my absence. They only called when they needed something babysitting, money, a favour.
But after that trip, I changed. I stopped shying away from men, let myself live a little. And you know what? I found someone David, the manager at our bistro, a tall, charming man with a soft spot for me all these years. I always closed myself off before, always putting Nick and Charlotte first. Not anymore. Now we walk to work together, share lunches, laugh and talk and build a life thats finally mine.
Just last week, Charlotte dropped by.
Mrs. Harris, you never pop in anymore. Dont telephone. Nicks found a car he rather likes she hinted, ever so pointedly.
I stood there, hands folded, and looked her in the eye. Did you want something, Charlotte?
She opened her mouth, ready to retort, but then David poked his head into the room.
Toni, how about that cup of tea?
Absolutely! I grinned.
And why not invite your guest? he offered politely.
I shook my head, smiling. No she wont be stopping for tea. Isnt that right, Charlotte?
With that, I closed the door behind her and, laughing, winked at my goldfish. Thats how it is now and Im at peace with it.
