Diary Entry
I walked through the rain today, crying so bitterly it hurt. Tears mingled with the drops sliding down my cheeks. At least its raining, I thought; no one can see me cry.
And I suppose its my own fault. I turned up at the worst moment, an uninvited guest. My sense of timing has never been great. I sobbed as I walked, then caught myself laughing through the tears, thinking of that joke about the mother-in-law whos not even offered a cup of tea. Now here I am, in exactly that sort of situation.
Back home, I stripped off my soaking clothes and wrapped myself up in the old plaid blanket. Then I allowed myself to really cryloudly, shamelesslyno one around to hear me except for the goldfish circling its bowl. No one at all.
I suppose Ive always been an interesting sort of woman, never short of admirers. But things with Peter, my son Nicholass father, never worked out. He drank… at first, it was manageablehed drink himself to sleep. But then he grew jealous, of everyone and everything; even the old man with a cane, or the butcher at the shop.
One day, Peter saw me smile and wave to our neighbour and absolutely lost it. He hit me, properly hit me, right there in front of Nicholas. Ill never forget the horror in his little face. Nicholas told my parents everything, every detail. Mum cried her heart out, Is this what I raised my daughter for? and Dad just went silent. He fetched his coat, left, and I later heard that Peterby then very much the exhad been hurled bodily down the stairs from the fourth floor. Broke his arm, on the way down. Dad shook his fist and made it clear: If I ever see you near my daughter again, youll regret it. Ill end up in jail, but Ill make sure you dont ruin my Tonis life. And, just like that, Peter disappeared for good.
I never remarried. I had Nicholas to raise, after all. You never know what sort of second husband you might get. Plenty of men were interested, but Id had enough. Peter had drained the desire out of me.
Financially, I managed fine. I loved my job as a catering manager, working in a cosy little restaurant in Bristol. I never complained about my lot. I even scraped together enough savings for a small flat. But just as I was ready to put down a deposit, Nicholas announced he was getting marriedto a lovely girl called Emily. In the end, I gave them the new two-bedroom place and paid for the wedding too. They needed it more, I reasoned. I stayed in my little flat and started stashing away money for a new car for them. How much longer could they go around in that ancient Ford Fiesta?
Id never planned to visit today. I dont foist myself on the kids, always thought it best not to intrude. I just happened to be nearby when the heavens opened. No umbrellafat lot of good it wouldve done, anyway. It was the sort of downpour that soaks you whether you like it or not. So, I thought, Ill just nip round, have a bit of a natter with Emily, maybe shelter a while and share a cup of tea.
But when she opened the door, she just stood there, looking surprised to see me. Didnt invite me in, just said, rather coldly, Mrs. Bennett, did you want something? I was so flustered, I stumbled out, Oh, er… its started raining… She just folded her arms and said, The rains stopped now. You live close, youll be fine, glancing out the window behind me.
So I left, nodding obediently, my face hot with embarrassment and rain and tears. Back out I went, crying and laughing all at once at the absurdity of it all. Exhausted, I fell asleep that evening.
And I had the strangest dreammy goldfish grew larger than life, mouthing words soundlessly, but somehow, I understood. The fish was telling me, Crying again? Silly woman! Not even a cup of tea in the rain? And you, working away for their next car! Are you going to spend your whole life collecting for them? Living only for them? Look at yourselfclever, kind, still beautiful, and youve got a bit put by. So what if it was meant for their car? They dont appreciate it. Go, take yourself off to the seaside. Do something for yourself, for once.
I woke up long after dark, the fish lazily gliding round its bowl, but I couldnt hear her anymore. Still, Id heard enough. I realised thena person shouldnt give away everything to the ungrateful. Especially not to those who wouldnt even offer you a cup of tea on a rainy day.
So I took the money Id been saving for their car and I booked myself a proper seaside holiday. I went, swam in the chilly English Channel, strolled along the pier, let the breeze tangle my hair. I came back tanned and glowing and, best of all, happy.
Nicholas and Emily didnt even notice Id been gone. They only call or drop by when they want somethinga new loan or a babysitter for little Rosie. But somethings changed for me. Ive stopped avoiding men; even started dating Arthur, our dashing restaurant manager. Hed always liked me, but Id been too wrapped up in Nicholas and Emily. Not anymore. Now were togethergoing to work, coming home, and life feels sweet again.
Just the other day, Emily popped round. We havent seen you in ages, Mrs. Bennett! Not even a phone call. Actually, Nicholas has found a car he likes…, hinting away.
Did you want something, Emily? I asked, arms folded, just like shed done.
She opened her mouth to say something when Arthur strode in from the other room. Toni, are we having that cuppa?
Coming! I called, beaming.
Invite your guest! he said, ever the gentleman.
Oh, Emilys just off; she doesnt drink tea. Isnt that right, Emily?
I shut the door after her and winked at the goldfish.
Thats how it is now. And it suits me just fine.
