After years of being the reliable daughter, one family evening left me feeling dispensable.
My sister has always been mums favourite. I was the calm, sensible one, never causing a fuss or drawing attention to myself. When Dad passed away, I stayed with Mum, while my sister was already settled in her own home with her husband, visiting only on Sundays.
I was the one paying the bills, running errands, bringing in logs for the fire in winter. After work, Id swing by Mums flat, let myself in with the spare key, and air out the rooms. Mum would insist that she was capable, but never refused my help. My sister kept saying I was the strong one.
Last month, Mum decided to have a family dinner. It was Sunday, and she had laid the table with the old white cloth shes kept for special occasions. My sister and her husband arrived carrying a big cake. Mum was already beaming at the door. I brought salad and bread, which no one seemed to notice.
During dinner, Mum started talking about the future. She said we needed to discuss her flat to avoid arguments down the line. My sister listened seriously, while I quietly sliced tomatoes on my plate. Mum announced that shed decided to leave the flat to my sister, saying it was only fair since my sister had a child and needed it more.
At that moment, my sisters husband gently placed his hand on her shoulder. My sister looked down, embarrassed. I sat there holding my knife mid-air, surprisednot expecting a reward, just a conversation.
I asked Mum, in a calm voice, why she hadnt spoken to me about it beforehand. Mum replied that there was no need, because I was always understanding. Those words hit harder than the decision itself. Did being understanding mean I didnt count?
Mum went on, saying I was independent, had a good job, would be fine on my own. My sister said nothing. The dinner carried on as though nothing had happened. I could hear the clock ticking in the living room.
After everyone left, I stayed to wash the dishes. Mum was sitting by the window. I asked her if shed ever thought that maybe I needed some security as well. Mum sighed and said I was the strong oneand strong people dont want for things.
And that was when I realised Id always been the convenient daughter. Not the good one, not the loved one: the convenient one.
The next day, I didnt drop by Mums flat as usual. The phone rang twice. Mum asked if I was all right. I said I was fine, but wouldnt be able to come every day anymore. Mum fell quiet.
My sister called later, telling me not to be upset. But Im not upset. Im simply tired.
For years, Ive put everyones needs above my own. For years, Ive been told, “Youll be all right.” Now, I come home to my own place and leave the dishes till morning if Im worn out. I buy myself flowers for no reason. When Mum needs something, I ask my sister if she can help. Sometimes my sister says shes busy.
Thats when I realise the burden wasnt shared; it was handed out. And I picked it up myself.
I havent cut off contact with Mum. Ive just stopped making myself available out of habit. Mum speaks to me with more care now. My sister offers help more often.
I dont know if itll change Mums decision about the flat. But something has changed within me.
Ive learned being strong doesnt mean going unheard. And when everyone depends on you, sometimes you need to step back, so they see what you actually carry.
Is it right to set boundaries with your mother, even if it disappoints her?
