After 19 years of marriage and two children, John left me for a younger colleague!
He’s not my husband anymore.
I’m writing this letter because I can no longer hold in the pain.
I’m 42, and two weeks ago, my world fell apart.
My husband, who has been by my side for 19 years, the father of our children, simply said:
— I’m leaving.
I didn’t even have time to ask anything before he added:
— There’s someone else. Her name is Lily, she’s 28, and she’s expecting my child.
I stood there, unable to move.
I thought I misheard. This couldn’t be my John, the man I loved, with whom I shared every day, every joy, every pain.
But it was him.
He spoke calmly, as though telling me he was going out to buy some bread.
And suddenly, it hit me: I hadn’t noticed a thing.
Two years of deception
It turned out he had been seeing her for two years.
And I…
I waited for him with dinner ready.
I ironed his shirts, so they’d always look fresh and neat.
I worried why he no longer spent time with our kids.
I fretted why he helped so little around the house.
I blamed it all on his busy schedule, his job, his fatigue.
I made excuses for him when he canceled family plans.
I didn’t even question why he stopped touching me.
But now it all made sense.
He simply didn’t love me anymore.
And I was the last to know the truth.
How blind I was!
Returning home from a trip with the kids to my parents’, I saw him truly for the first time.
He was different.
He wouldn’t look me in the eye.
He didn’t want to talk.
He wouldn’t even touch me.
I felt an enormous gulf between us.
Then came that day.
I noticed a new scent on his shirt.
It was my perfume.
Only, I hadn’t used it.
That day, I just wore deodorant.
I looked at him, and everything within me tightened.
And later in the evening, I saw lipstick marks on his collar.
Everything became unmistakably clear then.
He didn’t even bother with an explanation.
He simply said:
— I love her. I don’t want to lie anymore. We need to part ways.
I tried to remind him of everything we had.
Of our children.
Of the 19 years we spent together.
That Lily could be young enough to be his daughter.
But his decision had been made.
He wanted a fresh start.
Without me.
I don’t want this divorce!
Two days later, we went to the solicitor.
John wanted the divorce “to happen quickly and without hassle.”
But what if I don’t want that?
What if I’m not ready to fall asleep alone on the cold side of the bed?
What if I still love him?
He’ll realize his mistake one day.
Lily doesn’t know his favorite food is shepherd’s pie.
She doesn’t know that his favorite shirts are light blue.
She hasn’t yet discovered that he has back issues and can’t sit on a soft sofa.
But one day she will.
And one day, so will he.
I know one day he’ll regret it.
But I also know that if he ever comes back, I’ll never forget his betrayal.
Those nights, those tears, that feeling of being discarded like something unwanted.
I just have to wait for the pain to ease.
Someday I’ll sleep again without tears.
Someday I’ll wake up and realize I don’t love him anymore.
I just hope that day comes before the kids return from their holiday.
Because I have to be strong.
For them.
