After 19 years of marriage and two children: Paul left for a younger colleague!
He’s no longer my husband
I’m writing this because I can no longer contain the pain.
I’m 42, and two weeks ago, my world fell apart.
The man I spent 19 years with, the father of our children, simply said:
— I’m leaving.
I didn’t even have time to ask anything before he continued:
— There’s someone else. Her name is Emily, she’s 28, and she’s expecting my child.
I stood there, unable to move.
I thought I had misheard. That it wasn’t my Paul, not the man I loved, shared every day, every joy, every sorrow with.
But it was him.
He spoke calmly, as if he were just telling me he was off to buy a loaf of bread.
Suddenly, I understood: I hadn’t noticed anything.
Two years of deception
It turned out he’d been seeing her for two years.
And I…
I waited for him with dinner ready.
I ironed his shirts so they’d always be fresh and tidy.
I fretted about why he wasn’t spending time with the kids anymore.
I worried why he wasn’t helping much around the house.
I blamed his busyness, his work, his fatigue.
I made excuses for him when he canceled family outings.
I never wondered why he stopped touching me.
But now, everything made sense.
He just didn’t love me anymore.
And I was the last to find out the truth.
How blind I was!
When I returned home from a trip with the kids to my parents’, I saw him for the first time for who he really was.
He was different.
He wouldn’t look me in the eye.
He didn’t want to talk.
He didn’t even want to touch me.
I could feel a chasm between us.
Then came that day.
I smelled a strange scent on his shirt.
It was my perfume.
Except, I hadn’t worn it.
That day, I only put on deodorant.
I looked at him, and everything inside me tensed.
Later, I saw traces of unfamiliar lipstick on his collar.
It was then that everything became crystal clear.
He didn’t even try to make excuses.
He just said:
— I love her. I don’t want to lie anymore. We need to separate.
I tried to remind him of all we had.
Of our children.
Of the 19 years we’d spent together.
Of how Emily could be his daughter.
But his mind was made up.
He wanted a new life.
Without me.
I don’t want this divorce!
Two days later, we visited a solicitor.
Paul wanted to “get divorced swiftly and without fuss.”
But what if I don’t want that?
What if I’m not ready to sleep alone on a cold side of the bed?
What if I still love him?
Will he ever realize he made a mistake?
Emily doesn’t know he loves shepherd’s pie the most.
She doesn’t know his favourite shirts are pale blue.
She doesn’t yet realize he has back problems and can’t sit on a soft sofa.
But one day, she’ll understand.
And one day, he’ll understand too.
I know he’ll regret it.
But I also know that if he ever comes back, I’ll never forget his betrayal.
Those nights, those tears, the feeling of being tossed aside like something unwanted.
All I can do is wait for the hurt to subside.
Someday, I’ll be able to sleep without tears again.
Someday, I’ll wake up and realize I don’t love him anymore.
I just hope that day comes before the kids return from their holiday.
Because I have to be strong.
For them.
