Afraid of Losing You

Im afraid of losing you
This is where I live, smiled Leonard, inviting the girl into his flat.
Come in, Ill just be a minute.
Anna hesitated on the doormat, glancing around the narrow hallway.
She didnt take off her shoes straight away.
Something was unsettling her
When Leonard reappeared in the hallway, terror was frozen in Annas eyes.
Her hands began to shake, and, without a word, she fled the flat, her footsteps echoing up and down the stairwell like hammers on tin.
Anna, where are you going?!
Leonard stared at the open front door, bewildered.
Beside him, Martha, his sandy-haired Labrador, cocked her head and gazed at him quizzically.
Hed never imagined the evening would end so abruptly, so strangely, as if a page had been torn from a storybook.
She just ran off?
Didnt say a word? Victor asked in disbelief later that night, as Leonard relayed the tale over a sticky pint at The Cricketers Arms.
Not a word.
She looked like shed seen a ghost. Leonard traced a line in the condensation on his glass, then set it down.
I dont get it What scared her so much?
Could be anything, Victor shrugged.
Have you tried asking her?
Wouldnt you?
She wont answer my calls.
Been trying since last night.
You know where she lives?
No, I only ever walked her to her building.
Dont know which flat.
Thats odd, mate.
Leonard nodded in defeat.
Tell me about it.
Everything started off so well and thenjust ended, like the dream stops and youre awake again.
Maybe its not over yet. Victor slapped his shoulder.
See her Monday, talk to her then.
Figure it out after.
Leonard first met Anna as a voice in a dream, the kind that is muffled and shimmering, on a crowded red double-decker on a misty morning through South London.
No-one budged to give her their seat, but Leonard stood up at once.
He grinned the whole way, thinking her laugh sounded like someone had spilled silver coins.
Yet when he left the bus, he didnt wait for her, simply drifted to his office in a fogconvinced it was foolish to hope, worse to try.
A whisper in his mind said, You just want life to be a fairy tale
But fairy tales and London drizzle dont mixso he buried himself in spreadsheets, only to find Annas eyes in every cell, her smile hiding between the subject lines of emails.
It was as if she had invaded the very circuits of his computer.
Then, like stepping out of a mirror, his boss Mr.
Ivan Shepherd brought Anna into the office:
This is Anna, everyone, lets welcome her.
For a moment, Leonard wondered if she was a figment conjured by his own longing.
But Anna was more real than rain.
She smiled.
Anna, she said, when she shook his hand.
Shed already greeted everyone else, saving him for last.
Leonard.
Nice to meet you.
And that was all he could manage, his insides spinning like an old coin in a wishing well.
When Leonard glanced at Anna during the day, a strange feeling grew insidelike he might climb the dome of St Pauls to pluck a star, or scoop pearls out of the Thames just to win her smile.
That evening, he met Victor and their dogs in Hyde Park.
As the hounds cavorted around their feet, Leonard regaled his friend with tales of Annas laugh, her gentle manners.
Victor laughed.
Mate, youre smitten!
Leonard reddened.
You reckon?
Absolutely.
Same thing happened when I met Stephanie.
Saw her once, knew I wanted her by my side for the rest of my days.
Thats it!
It only feels like this around her.
Take a chance!
Ask her out.
Coffee, a film, anything.
What if she says no?
Or if shes got someone already?
Id look a right idiot.
Victor grinned.
If she has, youll be mates.
If not, at least you tried.
Whats to lose?
So, Leonard tried.
Nerves jangling, he sidled up to Anna at the bus stop after work: Look, I know this is a bit much, but would you like to get coffee or go to the pictures tonight?
Annas eyes lit up and she agreed.
They spent the evening sipping cappuccinos at a tiny cafe, wandered empty side streets as Londons city lights swirled in puddles.
Leonard walked her home.
It was better than hed dared to imagine.
Back home, he took Martha for a late-night stroll beneath the amber glow of the estates lamps, then lay awake, staring at the cracks in the ceiling, dreaming madly
Proposing to Anna, living together, children tumbling through Richmond Park at weekends It all felt precariously close, like the next note in a lullaby not yet sung.
Three months passed.
Golden monthsdinners at brasseries, films at Leicester Square, kisses in mellow summer rain.
Anna was kindness and laughter, softly-spoken and honest.
Leonard was grateful to fate for throwing them together, as if a kindly stranger had nudged them down the same path.
There was one shadowafter their dates, Leonard had to walk Martha, his Labrador.
Living alone, no one else could do it.
A few times, he suggested a walk, the three of them, but Anna always declined, shrinking inwards, offering excuses about wanting just the two of them.
You cant take a dog into the cinema or a cafe, shed say, and Leonard would sigh, Youre right.
Then Leonard proposed, nervously, and Anna said yes.
But when he asked her to move in, she mumbled pretextsa promise to her landlady, a lease not quite ended.
I could pay your rent for the last months, if it helps, he insisted.
Come oversee my place, meet Martha.
Youll like her, I promise.
Annas smile wavered, but she agreed, quietly determined to try to wage war on her ghostly dread.
In that otherworldly hallway once more, Anna stepped in, eyes flicking like a trapped birds.
The moment Leonard reappeared, she bolteddown the stairs, into the London dusk.
He rang her mobile, again and again, but Anna never picked up.
So, seeking advice and solace, Leonard summoned Victor for a pint at the pub.
Victor listened, mulled it over, and insisted: Wait until Monday, talk to her properly at work.
Monday arrived.
Leonard haunted the bus stop, watching the windows fog and clear, searching for her face among the crowd.
She didnt appearuntil suddenly there she was, walking, her hair tangled and tears running down her cheeks.
Anna, wait!
She stopped, glanced back, sagged when she saw him.
Anna, what happened?
Why did you run?
Why wont you answer my calls?
Im losing my mind.
Pleasejust tell me, Leonard pleaded, gripping her hand.
Leonard, Im sorry, she whispered, tears bright in her eyes.
Why cant we live together?
Did I upset you?
No.
Then whats wrong?
She wiped her face, peering into his gaze.
Im afraid
Of what, love?
What are you afraid of?
Dogs, she said faintly.
Eh?
My Martha?
You know shes not got a nasty bone in her.
Its not just Martha.
Im scared of all dogs.
When I was six, a bull terrier attacked me on the playground, while my mum was in the shop.
The owner had too much to drink and set the dog on me to get me off his bench.
Someone saved me, but its haunted me ever since.
You never told me
I cant even talk about it.
At your place, when I saw Martha, I just panicked.
I wanted to believe I could be brave.
But I froze.
Cant we try?
There are dogs everywhere in London, youve walked past them before.
Thats different.
Outside, I can cross the street, stand near strangers.
But living under the same roof with such a big dog I just cant.
Im sorry.
Its not about you, or Martha.
I tried.
I wish I could change.
Leonard squeezed her hand.
This cant be how it ends.
Surely something can be done.
But Anna only sobbed and turned away.
Later that night, at Victors, Leonard slumped on the settee.
What am I meant to do?
I love her.
She loves me.
But we cant be together.
Thats it, thats the nightmare.
Youre not thinking of giving up Martha, are you? Victor frowned.
Of course not!
Shes family.
But I cant lose Anna either.
Then fight for it, mate.
Phobias arent allergies; you can face them, with time.
Help her.
Has she seen anyone about it?
Shes been to counsellors, but nothings helped.
Shes willing to try, but promises nothing.
Thats half the battle, Leonard.
Anyone else would have made you choose: her or the dog.
But Annas willing to face itso help her.
Start slow.
Just go for gentle walksall of you together.
Out in the woods, no pressure.
Maybe, just maybe, shell see Marthas harmless.
A tiny seed of hope stirred in Leonard.
What if it works?
Why shouldnt it?
And if it doesnt, at least you both tried.
The following Saturday, Leonard pulled up in a borrowed estate car.
Anna stared at him with wide eyes.
Since when do you drive?
Friend lent it.
Marthas in the back.
Dont worrytheres a dog partition, youll be sat beside me in the front.
Anna hesitated, pale, but nodded.
If I cant do it, we turn back, promise?
Promise.
They drove out of London, past green hedges and crooked trees, to a clearing at the edge of a whispering wood.
Gumboots on, they shuffled through dormant ferns and mud.
Leonard tossed Martha her tennis ball, letting her dash and leap, keeping her occupied and away from Anna.
How are you doing? he asked gently.
I dont know.
Its hard. Anna kept her eyes locked on Martha, half-expecting her to sprout claws like in dreams.
Everyones got scars, Anna.
Dogs too.
Bad things happen, but not all dogs are dangerous.
Marthas gentlelook at her.
Maybe, Anna thought, just maybe.
Leonard heaved the tennis ball into the scrub.
Martha bounded after it, barking thunderously.
Anna shivered.
Why is she barking like that?
Leonard laughed.
Shes just happy.
That balls her favourite thing in the world.
Martha, well done!
He offered Anna the soggy ball.
Want a go?
Annas breath hitched.
Terrified.
Leonard smiled.
Close your eyes, throw it.
Just once.
Anna squeezed the ball, squeezed her eyelids tighter, and flung it far as she could.
Bravo! Leonard cheered.
Martha galloped off, triumphant.
You see?
Shes not so terrifying.
But Anna asked, Can we go soon?
Soon, Leonard agreed.
Suddenly, Martha stopped returning.
Her bark grew frantic.
Ill see whats up, muttered Leonard, heading towards the sound.
Anna, afraid of being alone, hurried after him through nettles and bramble.
They found Martha pawing at the edge of a pool, barking at the ball floating just beyond reach.
Leonard grinned.
Shes scared of water.
I rescued her as a pup from the river, you know.
Since thenhates puddles, wont go near them.
Anna blinked.
You mean, even big dogs get scared?
Course, Anna.
Dogs have their own nightmares too.
Leonard stepped inbut immediately sank to his knees, startled by the squelchy embrace of a hidden bog.
He couldnt move; every step deeper.
Er, Annaget me a stick! He tried not to panic, though panic felt like the most natural thing in the world.
Annas hands trembled as she rifled through her bag for her phone, only to find no signal in that peculiar corner of dream-England.
Looking at Martha snarling helplessly, Anna froze, fear rippling down her spine, mind flickering back to memories of snarling teeth and scarlet playgrounds.
But the thought of leaving Leonard to the swamp cut through her terror.
She scrambled for a branch, braced herself, and held it out.
Leonard grasped it and Anna hauled, heaving until she could do no more.
Martha, sensing the struggle, joined inlunging backwards, helping to drag her master to safety.
Chest to chest, Anna and the Labrador stood united, fear trumped by love and urgency.
Between girl and dog, Leonard was freed at last from the sticky clutches of the bog.
Soaked and gasping, all three collapsed on the mossy earth, hearts hammering like distant bells.
Girls, what would I do without you? Leonard wheezed, hugging Anna and Martha close, earth and dog fur mingling in his nostrils.
Anna was shivering.
I was so scared
Leonard cupped her chin.
Just dont say youve got a new phobia.
Anna managed a smile through her tears.
I do.
Im terrified of losing you.
That fear is bigger than any other.
Anna glanced at Martha, then hugged the Labrador tight.
Thank you, Martha.
Thank you for not leaving us alone.
That night, wrapped in the warmth of a blanket and the familiar, contented weight of Martha at their feet, Leonard, Anna, and the shaggy dog sprawled on the big battered sofa, watching old dog movies on the telly.
On nights like this, Anna didnt want to watch anything else.
And Leonard and Martha were only too happy to oblige.
There was, at last, just one fear that bound thema fear they shared, and one they could bear together.