Im afraid to lose you
This is where I live, I said with a smile, holding the door open for Emily.
Come on in, Ill be with you in a sec.
Emily hesitantly crossed the threshold, glancing around the hallway and not rushing to take off her shoes.
Something was clearly making her anxious
When I returned to the hall, I saw her eyes widen in sheer terror.
Her hands started shaking, and without a word, she sprinted out of the flat.
Emily!
Where are you off to?
I stared in disbelief at the door swinging shut, then at Molly, standing loyally at my side.
This certainly wasnt how Id pictured the evening ending.
She just dashed out, didnt say a word? asked my mate James, when I later relayed the story over pints at our local in Bristol.
Not a word.
Honestly, she looked like shed seen a ghost. I raised my pint, staring into the amber depths before setting it back down.
I dont get it, mate.
Why did she react like that?
What set her off?
There could be loads of reasons.
Have you tried just asking her straight out?
I would if she picked up my calls.
Shes been ignoring me since last night.
You know where she lives?
You could go round.
No.
I only ever walked her to her building.
Ive no clue which flats hers.
Thats an odd one
Tell me about it.
Everything started off so well, but ended in such a dumb way.
Maybe it hasnt ended!
Dont jump the gun.
Youll see her at work on Monday.
Just ask her then, see whats what.
I first met Emily on a cramped morning bus to the city centre.
No one offered her a seat, so I did.
I spent the whole journey stood beside her, wearing a daft smile.
She was lovely, and I wouldve loved to get to know her, but frankly, I was on my way to the office and never fancied chatting someone up in public.
What was I supposed to dohand her my number and say Ring me after work?
Ridiculous.
So when I hopped off at my stop, I didnt even wait to see if shed get off too.
I just set off toward the office.
But as I walked, I felt certain she was behind me.
I kept my eyes aheadit couldnt be, of course.
You just want the dream so badly youre seeing things, I told myself.
And yes, I wanted that dream.
But life doesnt usually hand you your soulmate on a bus, does it?
I spent the next hour at my desk, failing to get her out of my mind.
Every time I opened a spreadsheet her eyes came to me, and her smile seemed to beam right out of my emails.
It was uncanny.
So when the boss, Mr.
Ian Stevenson, walked into the office with Emily and introduced her as the new employee, I half-thought Id lost it.
Must be seeing things now.
But she was realvery realand she was now my colleague.
It suddenly felt like fate.
Emily, she said warmly, shaking my hand.
I was the last for introductions.
Oliver.
Pleased to meet you. My tongue was tiedI was too shocked and flustered, I suppose.
But inside, I was on fire.
Something enormous had just landed in my world.
Day by day, working with Emily, I started feeling I could do anythingpluck a star out the sky, fish a pearl from the Channel, move a mountain, whatever it took to win her notice.
That night, I told James all about her as we walked our dogs together in Clifton Downs.
I must have made her sound so marvellous, because he instantly cottoned on.
Youre smitten, mate!
You think?
Absolutely.
It was the same with Tessa for me.
Soon as I saw her, I just knew.
Exactly!
Its only when shes there that the feeling hits.
So do something about it.
Invite her out.
Coffee, the cinemasomething.
You reckon shell say yes?
You wont know till you try.
Wait around and someone else will snap her up.
What if shes already seeing someone?
I dont want to make a fool of myself.
If she is, you keep it professional.
But youve got to give it a go.
Best case, you win.
Worst case, youre no worse off.
So, I took a chance.
After work, I found Emily waiting at the bus stop, smiled (I probably went beetroot red), and managed to blurt out, This is a bit forward but would you like to go out tonight?
Maybe grab a coffee or see a film?
Emily smiled and agreed.
We had coffee at a cosy café, then strolled through quiet streets until midnight.
I walked her homeit all went even better than Id imagined.
Back home, I let Molly out for her late walkId been so carried away, Id missed her usual run.
Then I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling and drifting through dreams: proposing to Emily, building a life together, weekends away in the country with kids and dog in tow.
For some reason, it felt like these dreams were just within reach
The next three months were the happiest of my life.
We dined in restaurants, watched soppy films, even kissed under a warm summer rain in front of stunned pedestrians.
Emily was incredible.
Kind, sweet, funny, genuine, and intensely modest.
I thanked my lucky stars Id met her.
But
The only hiccup was that after each date, I always had to walk Molly.
Living alone, that was my job.
Sometimes I suggested the three of us go out together, but Emily always seemed troubled by the idea, falling silent, turning away, then declining.
Just us two.
What if we want to slip into a café or the cinema?
Cant exactly take a dog, shed say.
Yeah, youre right, Id agree.
Eventually I asked her to move in with me.
She agreed to be engaged, but when it came to moving in, she always found reasons to delay.
Em, I know the weddings not till next year, but we could live together before that.
I sleep better with you nearby.
I promised my landlord Id stay till year end.
Dont want to mess her about.
Ill cover the rest of your rent if that helps.
Come see my place tonight, meet Molly.
I bet youll love her.
Emily seemed a little down about it but agreed and decided to give it a try.
She loved me, so she wanted to push through her nerves.
This is where I live, I said again, showing her into the flat.
Make yourself at home, Ill just pop out for a second.
She stepped in nervously, glancing at every corner, hesitating to take her shoes off.
Something was wrong
And when I returned, there it was againthe pure terror in her eyes.
Her hands shook, and before I could say a word, she bolted straight out the door.
Emily! I called after her, stunned, as the door swung back on its hinges.
Molly looked up at me innocently, clueless.
The pleasant evening, shattered.
I rang and rang, but she didnt answer.
Eventually I poured my heart out to James over more pints, needing advice.
I decided: Id see her at work Monday, so Id wait and speak to her face to face.
She was bound to be there
That morning, I checked my watch every minute, peering through rain-smeared bus windows at each stop.
But Emily never appeared.
Oddshe was usually embarrassingly early.
What if somethings happened?!
I almost rang my boss for time off to go find her, when at last, I saw her trudging down the pavement.
Hair loose, cheeks damp with tears, eyes desperately sad.
Emily, wait!
She stopped sharply and glanced back.
When she saw me, her face fell further.
Whats up?
Why did you run?
Why wont you answer my calls?
Im losing my mind.
Oliver, Im sorry.
What happened?
Its nearly work time Can we talk this evening?
Have you changed your mind about marrying me?
About living with me? I took her hand and wouldnt let go.
Two days of thisnot knowing a thing.
Please, just tell me.
Why did you run?
Im sorry, Ollie.
But we cant live together, she said so softly, tears welling in her eyes.
Why?
Whats wrong?
Have I done something?
No.
Then what?
She wiped her eyes and looked straight at me.
Im afraid
Of what, love?
Dogs.
Im terrified of dogs.
I was flabbergasted.
Hang on my Molly?
Shes the gentlest creature aliveyou heard me say she wouldnt hurt a fly.
Inwardly, I realised Id ignored the elephant in the room all along.
No, you dont understand.
Its not just your dogIm afraid of all dogs.
When I was six, a bull terrier attacked me
You never told me that
No.
I dont like to think about it.
My mum popped into a shop while I was on the playground, and the dogs ownerwell, he was drunk, tried to scare me off a park bench.
I was rescued, by miracle.
Ever since, dogs have terrified me.
Em
Well be late for work if we talk now.
Let them wait.
Listen, I know its a trauma, but surely you cope outside?
There are dogs all over the street.
I do get scared, but I can cross the road or walk near other people.
Living with a big dog like Mollyunder the same roof?
I couldnt do it.
Sorry, Ollie.
Its not about you or Molly.
Its me.
Come on, thats not right
I tried, honestlyI came over last night thinking Id push through the fear.
I thought I could handle it.
But I froze up, panicked.
I just cant
James listened to it all, sighing heavily.
So what will you do?
You love herand she loves youbut you cant live together?
I could never give up Molly, you know.
Of course not!
Dont be daft.
But mate, a phobias not like a nut allergy.
People can work through fears.
Help her.
See a counsellor if you have to.
Shes already tried.
No luck.
She says shell keep trying, no promises.
Well thats better than nothing.
She wants to try, and she didnt give you ultimatums.
Youve got to help her, mate.
If you dont, who will?
How though?
I wouldnt force the flat for now.
Try walking with both of them in a park, or the woods.
Somewhere youre just the three of you, nothing else to distract.
You think thatll help? I felt a flicker of hope.
Why not?
Shell see Mollys no threat, shell get used to her.
Worth a shot.
Whered you get the car? Emily asked the next day, spotting me by a 4×4 outside her block.
A mates.
Hes loaned it to me.
So all three of us are going?
Yeah, but dont worry, love.
Mollyll be in the bootproperly set up for dogs.
My mates got one, too.
Youll be up front beside me.
Nothing badll happen.
She hesitantly agreed, as long as we could leave if she got too scared.
An hour later, we were at a woodland clearing.
I helped Emily out first, then released Molly, keeping her at a distance at first to soothe Emily.
Its beautiful here, I said, trying to distract her.
It is.
We swapped shoes for wellies (itd been raining for days), then set off strolling down forest trails.
I tossed a tennis ball for Molly, partly to show how playful she was, and partly to keep her away from Emily.
Howre you doing, Em?
I Im okay.
Hard to say. She never took eyes off the dog as Molly bounded up and out of sight.
Look, love.
Dogs arent all the same, any more than people are.
A bad dogs raised badly, but thats not Molly.
Shes good.
I get that.
Youll see.
A few outings like this and youll see theyre not to be feared.
Just then I sent the ball flying into the bushes, and Molly shot after it.
Woof woof! Molly barked with glee.
Emily flinched, shaking.
Shes angry, isnt she?
I laughed, hugging her tightly.
No, sweetheart, shes excitedshe found the ball.
Thats her favourite toy.
Molly dropped the ball at my feet, then dashed back, eager for another throw.
Want to try? I offered.
Me?
OhIm scared.
Close your eyes, love.
Just one go.
She braced herself, squeezed the ball tight, shut her eyes and flung it into the wet grass.
Brilliant! I cheered.
Molly, fetch!
Molly tore off, barking with joy as she chased the ball again.
Smart thing, isnt she? I grinned.
Understands everything I sayor even think, half the time.
Shall we head home? Emily asked quietly.
I suppose. I looked around.
Molly, whereve you got to?
No sign of my dog, but a stream of barking from not far away.
Id better go check, I muttered.
Wait here?
No, Ill come too!
After wading through thick undergrowth, we found Molly barking madly at the ballnow floating in a pool.
Oh, I see, I grinned.
Whats the matter? Emily frowned.
Shes scared of waterwont fetch her ball from there.
Good job we wore wellies.
Dogs get scared?
I thought they were afraid of nothing.
Nope.
Six years ago, I fished Molly out of a river on a school trip.
Since then, she wont go near any water deeper than a puddle.
Wait for me, Ill fetch the ball.
Thats not dangerous, is it?
What if its deep?
Looks boggysmells it too.
Its just rainwater, not a bog, I called, though somewhere inside, I had a doubt.
I pushed into the wateronly to sink to my knees in sludge.
You alright? Emily called, concern rising.
All good!
Just deeper than I thought.
I got the tennis ball, but the mud grabbed at my boots as I turned to leave.
Step by step, moving got harder.
Suddenly, I couldnt lift my legs.
Water up to mid-thigh.
Come on, Ollie, get out Emily was alarmed.
I cant.
How do you mean, cant?
I think you were right.
Must be a bog.
A pretty hungry one, too.
Molly barked anxiously from the edge, refusing to come closer.
Emily started to panic.
I was sinking, Molly was nearbyand Emily could barely breathe.
Em, help!
Find a big stick, I shouted, trying not to move much.
She fumbled for her phone to call for helpno signal.
Just what we needed.
How was she supposed to get closewith my big dog watching?
But then she saw the worry in Mollys eyes, and she realised this wasnt just about fear.
She spotted a thick branch, grabbed it, and hurried to the waters edge, tossing the end towards me.
I clung on, and as she heaved, Molly joined in, tugging at my sleeve with her teeth.
I surged out, muddy but safe.
We collapsed in the grass, breathless but relieved.
You two!
Dont know what Id do without you I managed to say, hugging Emily first, then Molly.
Youve just saved my life.
I was so scared Emily shuddered.
Dont say youve got a new phobia now, I joked, trying to lighten her mood.
I do, love.
I realise nowwhat scares me most is losing you.
Its a stronger fear than any other.
She reached for Molly, and for the first time ever, hugged the dog tightly.
Thank you, Molly.
Thank you for being here.
That night, after hot baths and a hearty meal, the three of us piled onto the sofa, watching dog films long into the evening.
For some reason, Emily didnt want to watch anything else that night.
And neither I nor Molly minded keeping her company.
Most important, we all understood: the fear of losing each other was now far greater than any other fear and it was one wed share and facetogether.
