A Husband’s Surprising Decision: When Irina’s Mother Can No Longer Live Alone, Family Loyalties and Sisterly Arguments Lead to an Unexpected Move to the Countryside

Author Walton MerrittReading 10 min

Never Expected This from My Husband

Hannah, we really need to do something I sighed into the phone.

Whats happened? my younger sister, Lucy, answered, sounding a bit tense.

Lucys always on edge when I call her out of the blue. We usually stick to brief textsrarely proper calls. This time, though, I insisted.

Mum cant carry on living by herself anymore.

If you spoke to her more often, youd realise that, I couldnt help but scold a little.

Oh, come off it! Dont start. Just tell me whats going on. What havent I heard already?

I sighed again. It was so typical for Lucy to get her back upshes made her independence clear for years, and any hint of responsibility bothers her.

Shes seventy-three now, Lucy. Her blood pressures up and down and shes always weak.

She struggles to make herself something to eat, and keeping the house tidy wears her out, I explained as patiently as I could. And popping round the shops is a big effort for her. Thank goodness for Mrs. Bennett next door who brings her the odd loaf and milk.

Are you saying Mums going hungry? Lucy sounded worried.

No, of course not! I go over every fortnight with all the shopping she needs. But the truth is that, on her own, she simply cant manage anymore.

What if she has a fall, for example? With her weight, it will be almost impossible to care for her after.

We both fell silent.

Mums always been on the plump side, but these past years, shes put on even more weight.

She loves her foodand takes great offence whenever Lucy or I even hint at a diet.

And shes so lonely, Lucy. She nearly cries every time I leave.

Keeps saying everyones abandoned her I went on. Its just unbearable.

So what do you expect me to do about it?

I hesitatedit got harder and harder to talk to Lucy as the years rolled by.

I think you should move in with her.

Brilliant! And why arent YOU moving in, Hannah?

Let me guess! Youve got Benyour darling husbandand your sweet little stepson, just twenty-five, practically a child, to look after.

Isnt that right?

Lucy, thats not fair.

No, whats unfair is that you always make decisions for everyone else! Its clear you dont care one jot about me! she nearly yelled.

I got angry too.

And when Mum was rushing between our ill father and you and little Sophie? When shed come in from the village with groceries, or look after Sophie so youher precious daughtercould work or have a breather? Was that unfair? Didnt hear you grumbling back then!

Lucy didnt answer for a while. She knew I was right. Thats exactly how it was after her brief marriage to Sophies dad endedher quite pleasant mother-in-law had kindly let her and Sophie stay in her tiny flat until Sophie grew up.

But Sophies gran never really doted on her, and the decent child maintenance barely amounted to anything. Lucy had to work herself to the bone just to get by.

Mums help was a godsend, and Lucy took full advantage, but does that mean she has to be eternally indebted?

When Sophie turned eighteen, her gran asked them to move out.

By then, Sophie was off to college in York, got herself a boyfriend, and Lucy saw her chance to start freshso she took a job in London.

Shes been renting in the suburbs of London for years, working here and thereits not so easy to get a stable job past forty!

Still, she seemed content enough, definitely not planning any moves back to the countryside.

And what would you know about raising a child alone? she fired back, scoring a low blow. Try living as I did, then come tell me about sacrifice!

This time, I kept quiet.

My life, honestly, worked out rather well at first. After uni, I stayed in Brighton, got a job in accounting, had my sights set on a good marriage.

The only problem: every suitor was either an alcoholic, a mummys boy, or a scrounger.

It was only at thirty-nine I met Benthree years older, a widower with a then-ten-year-old son, Will.

Ben worked as an electrician for the local authority and could fix pretty much anything.

He never drank, spoke little (sometimes seemed gruff), and was obsessive about order.

Still, I fell for him instantly. And for fourteen years (we married a year after meeting), I did everything to keep him happy.

Will, the stepson, took a while to accept me, but eventually we grew closeI fussed over them both.

I wanted my own child, but it never happened. So Ben and Will became the centre of my world.

I didnt want to lose that for anything.

I wanted to bring Mum here, I admitted, my voice croaky with emotion, but she refuses to even consider it.

What? And your Ben, your golden husband, is simply thrilled to have his mother-in-law come live in our two-bed flat? Lucy sneered. Or did you not even bother to ask, just knowing Mum would refuse?

Lucy! Enough! Can we just have a grown-up conversation for once?

Ive said all I want, she muttered, then hung up.

Well, wed certainly talked.

I gripped my phone and stared at the wall. Lucy moving in with Mum would be the perfect solution.

I could go over, help with money and groceries. Lucy could find a remote jobtheres nothing wrong with the internet in the village.

But Lucy couldnt care less about making my life easier. Shes as spoilt in her forties as she was in childhood!

And theres no telling her, no making her do anything now.

The next day, she texted: Spoke to Mum. She says shes absolutely fine and doesnt need help. Stop making a scene!

I didnt even bother replying.

Whats the point? Lucy chats to Mum maybe once a month on the phone, sends a handful of texts.

Mum keeps her complaints to herselfshes so grateful Lucy remembers her at all, doesnt want to upset her. And if Lucy gets annoyed, she might stop contacting altogether

Meanwhile, I shoulder all the complaints minimum once a week. Then I toss and turn at night, worrying.

Even Ben, whos usually immune to my moods, asked if something was wrong.

But I couldnt tell him. Why burden him with all this? Only, I still didnt have a clue what to do.

Hire a carer? Far too expensive.

Right! Ben announced, clunking his mug down on the table. Its been three months and youre not yourself. Whats going on? Speak.

I burst into tears, but tried to pull myself togethermen hate tears, after allthen briefly explained everything.

Why didnt you say Mums struggling? Ben stared at me.

I didnt want to worry you I whispered, unable to meet his eye.

Maybe I shouldnt have told him. Did he really need all this on his plate? A wife with baggage

Fine, Ben got up. Thanks for dinner. Im going to bed.

He didnt even watch the news. What now?

I barely slept a wink and overslept in the morning, missing my alarm.

No work on Saturdays, but I always make Ben his breakfast at the same time every day. Now lookanother failure!

But he was calmly drinking tea in the kitchen, engrossed in his phone.

Youre up! he said, turning to me. Serious face, but his voice sounded level.

Sorry, Ben! Ill get breakfast sorted! I hurried to move.

Sit down. We need to talk.

Shakily, I sat.

Ive thought about it. We have to help your mum. Its not right to leave old folks on their own.

My mother never made it to old age So, were moving in with her.

Ive checked it all outI can get work on Mr. Evans farm, and youll find something too.

I nearly fell off the stool.

Ben Are you sure?

Absolutely. Or do you think Ive forgotten how your mum spoilt Will rotten on the holidays, how she treated me like royalty?

No, Hannah. I remember it all. And truth be told, Ive always wanted to live in the countryside.

As long as your mums happy with it, of course.

I stared at Ben in disbelief. I never, in a million years, expected this from him. Was I dreaming?

What about Will? I asked, rather pointlessly.

What about him? Ben shrugged. Hes a grown man, got a proper job, educated. Hell be happy if we leave him the flat.

Oh Ben! I threw my arms around him, sobbing, completely forgetting how much he dislikes fuss.

But he didnt pull away. Just stroked my shoulder:

Come on now. Itll all be fine.

I really hope hes rightWe drove out that Sunday, past hedges thick with hawthorn and the old post office with its faded sign, taking the narrow turn into the little lane where Mums house sat. My heart thudded; Bens hand reached over, squeezing mine once. The clouds hung low, but as we pulled up, the sun slipped outone of those strange, good omens you almost dare not believe in.

Mum blinked at us on the doorstep, apron already flour-dusted. I watched as Ben stepped forward, voice gentle, Wed like to stay awhile. If thatd be all right with you.

Her jaw dropped, and suddenly her face crumpled. She didnt say a word, just wrapped her arms around us both, clutching tight. For once, I let myself sink into the comfort of it, warmth and belonging washing over me, and all the years of worry smoothing out, just for a moment.

It wasnt perfectLucy stiffly declined to join us when I called, but she did send daffodils, and even Sophie turned up that Easter, surprising her nan with homemade cake. Id expected squabbles, and there were a fewabout cupboard space and dropped socks, about whod feed the hens or fix the leaky gutter.

But each day, I watched Ben coming in with muddy boots, my mother humming as she stirred soup, and I felt something shift in my chest. Our lives had unspooled and tangled unexpectedly, but here, together, we remade a home.

Sometimes, as I looked across the kitchen tablemy husband gruffly teaching Mum to use the TV remote, her laughter echoing down the hallwayI realised: love wears different faces as years go on. Sometimes its sacrifice. Sometimes stubbornness. And sometimes, when you least expect it, its as simple as coming home.

And for the first time in years, I slept through the night, dreaming not of what Id lost, but of the quiet, ordinary happiness Id never thought to hope for.

I’m 58 Years Old and I Made a Decision That Cost Me More Than Most People Could Imagine: I Stopped Supporting My Daughter Financially—And It Wasn’t Because I Don’t Love Her, or Because I’ve Become “Tight-Fisted” My daughter married a man who, right from the start, made it clear he doesn’t like to work. He hopped from job to job, always with a different excuse—the boss, the hours, the pay, the atmosphere… there was always something. She worked hard, but the money was never enough. Every month, he would come to me with the same words: rent, food, debts, school for the kids. And every time, in the end, I would help. At first, I thought it was temporary. A phase. That he would pull himself together, take responsibility, become a real man. But the years went by, and nothing changed. He would stay at home, sleep in, go out with friends, promise he was “almost” about to find work. And the money I gave my daughter really covered expenses that he should have taken care of—or worse, paid for his drinking. He didn’t look for a job because he knew, no matter what, I would be the one to “fix” it. My daughter didn’t confront him either. It was easier to ask me than to face up to him. So I was paying bills that weren’t mine, carrying the burden of a marriage that wasn’t mine. The day I decided to stop was when my daughter asked me for money for an “emergency”—and happened to mention it was needed to cover a debt her husband had racked up playing snooker with his mates. I asked her: —Why doesn’t he work? And she replied: —I don’t want to pressure him. That’s when I made it clear: I will continue to support her emotionally. I will always be there for her and my grandchildren. But I won’t give any more money as long as she stays with a man who does nothing and takes no responsibility. She cried. She was angry. She accused me of abandoning her. And it was one of the hardest moments I’ve faced as a mother. Tell me… was I wrong?

The Secret Word When Sarah stood at the till clutching a bag of yoghurt and bread and heard the terminal beep—“Transaction declined”—she swiped her card again, as if she could reason with a machine, but the cashier was already looking at her with wary fatigue. “Do you have another card?” asked the cashier. Sarah shook her head, checked her phone, and saw a text from her bank: “Account operations suspended. Contact support.” Another text immediately followed, this time from an unknown number: “Loan approved. Agreement No….” Heat flooded Sarah’s face as someone tutted impatiently behind her. Paying with emergency cash she kept just in case, Sarah left the shop. The bag’s handles bit into her fingers. All she could think was: This must be a mistake. It had to be. On the walk home, Sarah called the bank. An endless wait—pressing numbers, rote music, and finally a monotone operator. “Your account is locked for suspected fraudulent activity,” he said. “Your credit history now shows new obligations. You must visit a branch with your ID.” “What obligations?” Sarah tried to keep calm. “I haven’t taken anything out.” “According to our system, there are two payday loans and an application for a new SIM card in your name,” he droned, as if reciting a grocery list. “We can’t unlock the account until this is investigated.” Sarah hung up and stared at her phone at the bus stop. There were more loan texts—three in all. One offered a “grace period” and another warned “interest applied.” She tried to log in to her bank app, but access was denied: “Restricted.” Cold, clinical worry crept in, as if waiting for a verdict. She put her groceries down at home without even removing her coat. Her husband, Mark, sat in the lounge with his laptop. “Something up?” he asked, looking up. “My card didn’t work. The bank’s blocked it. And…” she showed him her phone, “apparently I’ve got loans out.” Mark frowned. “You’re sure you didn’t apply for something? Maybe you ticked the wrong box online.” “Me?” Sarah felt a flicker of irritation. “I’ve never even looked at those loan sites.” He sighed, as if it were an annoying, yet solvable household glitch. “We’ll get it sorted. Pop to the bank tomorrow.” His “pop to the bank” made it sound like paying the electric bill. Sarah went to make tea, realising her hands were trembling. She shoved her phone away, then pulled it back out. Another missed call: “Debt Collection.” She didn’t ring back. She slept badly. Phrases like “suspected fraud,” “obligations,” “SIM card” circled in her mind. She imagined going to the bank, being told “It was you” and having to prove otherwise, as if apologising for a crime she didn’t commit. She left early the next day, taking a holiday from work, breezily saying it was a “bank matter.” Her manager’s silent scrutiny was worse than sympathy. At the bank, people queued with paperwork and passports. When Sarah reached the front, the bank clerk pecked at the keyboard. “You have two payday loan agreements,” she said, not looking up. “One for £2,000, the other for £1,500. Plus a SIM card request at your mobile provider—and an attempted transfer to a third-party card.” “I didn’t do any of this,” Sarah repeated. Her words sounded flat and formulaic. “In that case, you’ll need to file a dispute for each transaction and a fraud report,” the clerk replied, sliding forms across. “We’ll issue a statement and a confirmation of the account block. Also advise you to check your credit file.” Sarah took the paperwork, scanning the fine print warning the bank “does not guarantee a positive outcome.” She signed, carefully. “How could this happen? I’ve got SMS confirmation on my accounts.” “The SIM could have been swapped,” the clerk replied evenly. “Then codes go to a new number. You’ll need to check with your provider.” Sarah left with a folder of documents—statement, claim, block confirmation. They felt heavier than evidence of someone else’s life. At the mobile shop, the young man smiled blandly. “Yes, there is a SIM card in your name,” he confirmed after checking ID. “Issued two days ago, at another branch.” “I never collected it,” Sarah’s insides twisted. “How was it handed out without me?” He shrugged. “You need a passport. Maybe a copy. Or a letter of authority—that’s logged. Want to dispute the issue? We’ll block the number.” “Block it,” Sarah said. “And give me the address where it was issued.” He printed the sheet: date, time, reference. Her old mobile number was listed, but next to it, a note: “SIM swap.” Someone had cloned her SIM. Sarah phoned a credit agency next, following endless instructions, codes, registrations—each code felt like a taunt, not protection. By midday, another call. “Sarah Jenkins?” A dry male voice. “You’re overdue on a payday loan. When will you pay?” “I didn’t take any loans,” she replied. “This is fraud.” “They all say that,” he retorted. “We have an agreement, your details. Don’t pay, we’ll send someone round.” Sarah hung up. Her heart raced. Shame coloured by fear, as if she’d been caught doing something dirty, though she’d done nothing wrong. That evening she went to the police. Paper and linoleum smell in the corridor, the desk sergeant quietly noting as she outlined: payday loans, SIM swap, attempted transfers. “You still have your passport? Never lost it?” “Never,” Sarah said. “But I have given photocopies for work insurance. Our letting agency asked for one, too.” “Copies get around,” he sighed. “But a SIM swap—that’s a clue. Write it all down; attach your statements and the shop address.” She wrote, fighting back tears. “Unknown persons” sounded silly, but it was almost worse knowing it was surely someone who knew her day-to-day. Home, Mark met her at the door. “Well?” “I’ve filed a police report. SIM blocked. Tomorrow: council offices and credit check.” Mark grimaced. “Look, maybe just pay the loans and move on? It’s not worth the stress.” Sarah stared at him. “Pay someone else’s debt?” she asked quietly. “And wait for more?” “I just meant, I… look, you know what the police are like…” She realised it was fear—he wanted it all to vanish, even if her identity went with it. Next day at the council’s One Stop Shop, surrounded by hands clutching paperwork, Sarah sat hugging her folder, certain the word “debts” was stamped on her forehead. The clerk detailed which documents she could get, how to bar future loans on her credit file. Sarah wrote everything down, her head already full to bursting. That evening her credit report arrived. Two payday lenders, one rejected application—her own passport, address, workplace in each entry. And in the “security word” field, the codeword only her close family knew. She re-read it, stunned. That word was created years ago as “extra security” when the bank suggested it. She chose something simple and, once, had said it aloud at home when setting up a family account. Mark and their son heard it. She also remembered helping Mark’s nephew, Daniel, set up a bank account on her laptop last winter; she’d said the codeword aloud to check it. Daniel had joked about forgotten passwords. Rooting through old folders, Sarah found the copy of her passport she’d made for Daniel to “prove address at work”—her signature “not for other use” scrawled on the side. She was staring at that paper, recalling Daniel’s request for a loan last month, the way Mark reassured her “not to fuss, he’s finding his feet,” when Mark walked in. “What’s up?” he asked. She put the copy and credit report on the table. “It’s got my codeword,” said Sarah. “And the SIM card was issued with my details. Daniel had the passport copy.” Mark frowned. “Are you serious? He wouldn’t do that. He’s just going through a rough patch.” “‘A rough patch’?” Sarah’s anger was cold. “I’m being threatened and muzzled. You want me to just pay and shut up?” Mark’s silence spoke of fear of upheaval, of needing to believe family wouldn’t do this. The next day, Sarah went to the phone shop where the swap had been done. The manager wouldn’t reveal details, but did confirm, quietly, “Original passport was shown. Photo matched. Signature done here.” Someone with her details had collected the SIM. Perhaps a lookalike, perhaps a clever fake, perhaps someone close enough to pass for her in hurried, tired eyes. She rang her friend Rachel, a solicitor. “I need advice; I think I know who did it.” Rachel didn’t ask for names. “Come over with everything. And don’t pay a penny to scammers.” At Rachel’s office, amongst coffee and papers, Sarah spread out every document. “Good—get it all in writing. Since the police complaint’s in, contest every agreement with the lenders, demand document copies, activate a No-Credit alert. If it’s a relative, don’t shy off. If you do, you’re saying it’s okay. It’s about your boundaries, not theirs.” Sarah nodded. “Boundaries” sounded alien in her family, where “helping” was unconditional. That Saturday, Daniel showed up. Mark had called him to “talk.” In the hallway, Daniel, pale, shifting his weight, caught Sarah’s eye. “Hi, Sarah. Mark said you’re having some trouble.” She didn’t invite him into the kitchen, just stood, folder ready. “It’s not just trouble,” Sarah said. “Someone’s taken out loans and swapped my SIM. My codeword’s in the application forms. You had my passport copy.” Daniel hesitated, the easy smile fading. “I… I really needed it. I thought you wouldn’t notice. Meant to pay it back; the interest just kept growing. I’m stuck. You’ve always helped.” Those words hurt more than the crime. “You’ve always helped” sounded like a right. Mark moved closer. “Do you realise… you could go to jail for this?” “I’ll pay it back! I just need more time—please, don’t…” Sarah handed over the police report copy. “Too late,” she said. “The report’s in. I won’t withdraw it.” Daniel turned pale. “But we’re family,” he choked out. “Family don’t do this,” Sarah answered. Her hands shook, but it was a new kind of strength. Mark dismissed him: “Go now, Daniel.” With Daniel gone, silence settled, heavy and final. Mark slumped on a stool. “I never thought he’d…,” he began. “Nor did I,” Sarah replied. “But I’m done trusting without reason.” “What now?” “I’ll see this through,” she said. “No sharing documents. No discussing codes. If anyone wants my phone, it’s no.” Mark nodded in defeat, recognising what was at stake. Weeks passed in procedural grind: contesting loans, sending claims, locking accounts, changing numbers, filing every paper. Sarah forwarded all harassment calls to Rachel, coolly demanding written contact only. One day, a lender confirmed: “Agreement flagged as disputed, charges frozen pending investigation.” Not victory, but at last an admission she didn’t have to argue forever. Mark became quieter, accepting as Sarah installed a lockbox for documents and changed her phone password. She refused to talk about Daniel while the investigation was live. At month’s end, the bank confirmed: “Account unlocked. Change your passport if possible and monitor your credit closely.” Sarah stepped out into the spring air, bought a new notebook, and wrote on the first page: “Rules”—no slogans, just practical steps. “No paper copies given out. Never say codewords aloud. Phone stays with me. Loans only to those I could say ‘no’ to.” She closed the notebook, zipped it away. The anxiety remained, now a functional kind—her trust wasn’t gone, but wasn’t free any longer. At home, while making tea, Sarah moved her new passwords into a small fireproof pouch. Mark handed her two mugs. “You were right,” he said quietly. “I just wanted everything to go back the way it was.” Sarah met his eyes. “It can’t be the way it was,” she replied. “But it can be better—if we protect each other by what we do, not just what we say.” Mark nodded as she locked away the pouch. The click was small, but it meant the world: a life reclaimed, one careful step at a time.

Two Columns She had already kicked off her boots and set the kettle boiling when a message from her manager pinged: “Could you cover for Claire tomorrow? She’s got a fever and there’s nobody else.” Her hands were still wet from doing the dishes, and she smeared the screen trying to unlock the phone. She dried her palms on a tea towel and glanced at her calendar. Tomorrow was the only evening she’d planned to turn in early, ignore her phone, and prepare for the report due in the morning—as it was, her head was buzzing. She typed, “Sorry, I can’t, I’ve got…” then stopped. That familiar nausea rose: if you say no, you’re letting people down. That means you’re not kind, not dependable. She deleted it and wrote instead: “Yes, I’ll come in.” Sent. The kettle rumbled. She poured her mug, pulled up a stool at the window, and opened a note on her phone she simply called “The Good List”. It already had today’s entry: “Covered Claire’s shift.” She put a full stop and added a little plus sign at the end, as though this balanced something out. That note had lived with her for almost a year. She’d started it in January, when the post-Christmas lull felt especially bleak and she needed proof her days weren’t evaporating unnoticed. The first line read: “Gave Mrs. Baker a lift to the surgery.” Mrs. Baker from the fifth floor shuffled along with her medical bag, too nervous to trust the bus. “You’re driving, aren’t you? Do me a favour, I’ll never make it otherwise,” she’d said through the intercom. So she dropped her off, waited in the car while tests were done, and took her home again. On the way back, she’d caught herself feeling annoyed—late for work, her mind crowded with other people’s complaints. The irritation made her feel guilty. She bit it back and washed it down with a coffee at the petrol station. In the note, she wrote it down neatly, as if it had been pure kindness, untainted. In February, her son’s business trip meant she had her grandson for the weekend. “You’re home anyway, it’s no trouble for you,” he said—it wasn’t a request but a fact. Her grandson was lovely and lively, with endless “can you look”, “let’s play”. She loved him, but by evening her hands shook with fatigue, her head rang like after leaving a concert. She put him to bed, washed the dishes, gathered up the toys—he knocked them out again the next morning. On Sunday, when her son returned, she said, “I’m exhausted.” He grinned, as if it was a joke: “You’re Grandma, that’s what you do.” He kissed her cheek. In the note she added: “Looked after grandson for two days.” She put a little heart to make it feel less like mere obligation. In March, her cousin phoned and asked to borrow money until payday. “It’s for medicine, you get it,” she pleaded. She did get it. She transferred the money, didn’t ask when it’d be paid back, then sat in her kitchen, figuring out how to make it to next payday and gave up on the new coat she’d wanted for months. The coat wasn’t a luxury—the old one was just worn thin at the elbows now. Her note said: “Helped my cousin out.” She didn’t write, “Put off buying something for myself.” That felt trivial, unworthy of recording. In April at work, one of the younger girls, eyes puffy and red, got stuck in the loo and couldn’t come out. She was crying softly that someone had left her and she felt disposable. She knocked and said, “Open up, I’m here.” Then they sat together on the freshly painted stairwell as dusk fell, and she listened, nodding while the girl repeated herself again and again. She missed her physio class for her bad back but stayed until it was dark. At home, her back ached. She wanted to be angry with the girl, but really, she was angry at herself: Why can’t you ever say you need to leave? In her phone, she added: “Listened to Katie, supported her.” She put her name because it felt more personal. Again, she didn’t write, “Skipped something for myself.” In June, she gave a colleague a lift to her allotment since her car had broken down. The colleague spent the drive arguing with her husband on speakerphone and never once asked if it was convenient. She said nothing, just watched the summer traffic. At the allotment, the colleague hefted out her shopping and said, “Thanks, I knew you wouldn’t mind—it’s on your way anyway.” It wasn’t. She battled traffic back, got home later than promised, and didn’t have time to check in on her mum—who was then upset. Her note that night read: “Gave Tania a lift to her allotment.” “On your way” seemed to sting, and she stared at the screen for a long time, waiting for it to dim. In August the phone rang late—her mum. Her voice was small, jittery: “I don’t feel well, love. My blood pressure. I’m scared.” She jumped up, grabbed her coat, called a taxi, and shot across the sleeping city. In the flat, it was stuffy. Blood pressure monitor on the table, tablets scattered. She checked her readings, handed out medicine, sat till her mum nodded off. In the morning she went straight to work, skipping her own home. In the Tube, she kept nearly dozing off, afraid of missing her stop. That day, in her note, she added: “Stayed overnight with Mum.” She started to add an exclamation mark, but deleted it—too loud, too much. By autumn the list had grown long, an endless scroll. The longer it got, the more she started to suspect she wasn’t living so much as submitting a report, collecting receipts of goodness in case anyone ever asked: “What do you even do?” She tried recalling the last time she’d added something just for herself. Not “for herself,” but “because of herself.” The entries were all about other people: their pain, their errands, their plans. Her own wishes seemed like silly whims to be hidden. In October something happened—not dramatic, just enough to leave a scratch. She took her son some documents he’d asked to have printed. She stood in the hallway holding the folder as he hunted for his keys and spoke into his phone. Her grandson zoomed around, demanding cartoons. Her son covered the receiver and tossed over his shoulder, “Mum, since you’re here, can you pop to the shops for bread and milk? I won’t have time.” She said, “I’m actually tired too.” He didn’t even look at her, just shrugged: “But you can, can’t you? You always can.” He went back to his call. Those words felt like a stamp. Not a request, a given. Something hot rose inside her—along with shame. Shame for wanting to refuse, for not wanting to be so endlessly accommodating. She went to the shops anyway. Bought milk, bread, some apples because her grandson liked them. Dropped them on the table and heard: “Thanks, Mum.” It was as flat as ticking a box. She smiled her usual smile and went home. There, she opened her note and typed: “Bought groceries for my son.” She stared at the line. Her fingers trembled with anger, not fatigue. She suddenly realised her list wasn’t a buoy anymore—it was a leash. In November, she booked a GP appointment at last. Her back pain was unbearable; she couldn’t even stand in the kitchen for long. She did it online, chose a Saturday morning slot so she wouldn’t miss work. Then Friday night, her mum called: “Will you come over tomorrow? I need the chemist, and I’m all alone.” “I’ve got a doctor’s appointment,” she said. There was a pause, then her mum replied: “All right. So I’m not important.” That line always worked. It used to send her into a spin of apologies and promises, pushing back her own things. She actually opened her mouth to say, “I’ll come after the doctor,”—but paused. It wasn’t stubbornness, just tiredness, as if realising her life mattered too. She whispered, “Mum, I’ll come after lunch. The doctor’s important.” Her mother sighed, as if left in the cold. “All right,” she said, packing all her resentment and old habits inside. She slept poorly that night. Dreamt of running down corridors with files as doors slammed one after another. In the morning she calmly made her porridge, swallowed some painkillers, and set out. At the clinic, waiting her turn, half-listening to pensioners discuss tests, she wasn’t thinking about the diagnosis—but about the strangeness of doing something for herself. Afterwards she visited her mum anyway, picked up medicine at the chemist, climbed to her mum’s flat. Her mum was silent at first, then asked: “So—you got seen to?” “I did,” she said. “I needed to.” Her mum looked at her closely, as if seeing a person not just a role. Then she turned away towards the kitchen. As she walked home, she felt a relief—not happiness, but space. By December, as the year wound down, she found herself waiting for weekends not as a breath, but as a chance. Saturday morning her son texted again: “Can you have your grandson for a couple of hours? We’ve errands.” She was about to type “sure”—automatic—but hesitated. She sat on the edge of her bed, phone warm in her palm. The flat was quiet; only the heater clicked. She thought of the day she’d planned—heading to the city, the museum, the exhibition she’d been putting off. Wandering among paintings, listening only to herself. She wrote: “Sorry, I can’t today. I have my own plans.” She sent it, put the phone facedown as if that could shield her from the reply. It came quickly: “Okay.” Then: “Are you upset with us?” She flipped the phone over, read it, and felt her old urge—to explain, to smooth things over. She could have typed a long reply: she was tired, she needed to live too. But explanations turn into bargaining, and she didn’t want to bargain for her own time. She wrote: “No. It’s just important to me.” That was all. She got ready calmly, like for a shift. Checked the iron twice, shut the windows, took her wallet, her card, her phone charger. At the bus stop, surrounded by shopping bags and sleepy faces, she realised—this time, there was nothing and no one she urgently had to save. Unfamiliar, but not frightening. In the museum she moved slowly, taking in faces and hands and the play of light in painted windows. She felt herself becoming attentive again—not to others’ pleas, but to herself. She had coffee in a cosy café, bought a postcard print and tucked it in her bag—a sturdy card, soothing to hold between her fingers. When she got home, the phone stayed in her bag. She took off her coat, hung it up, washed her hands, put the kettle on. Only then did she sit down, open “The Good List”, and scroll to today’s date. She stared at the empty line. Then she hit “plus” and typed: “Went to the museum on my own. Chose myself.” She stopped. “Chose myself” felt too loud, as if blaming someone. She deleted it and wrote simply: “Went to the museum on my own. Looked after myself.” Then she did something new. At the top of the note, she created two columns. On the left: “For Others.” On the right: “For Myself.” So far, the “For Myself” column had just that entry. She stared at it and felt something inside align, like a spine after a stretch. There was nothing left to prove to anyone. She just needed to remember she was here. Her phone buzzed again. She didn’t hurry. She poured her tea, took a sip, then checked. Mum had sent, simply: “How are you?” She replied: “I’m fine. I’ll bring you some bread tomorrow.” And paused, then added: “I was busy today.” She sent it and left the phone on the table, screen up. The room was quiet, and the silence wasn’t oppressive. It was like space—space finally cleared, just for her.