A Test for Grown-Ups
Lucy, why arent you coming with us to celebrate finishing the project? Edward asked with a friendly grin, even giving her a cheeky wink.
Because, my dear friend, I have a date tonight, Lucy replied, her cheeks tinged with embarrassment.
Well, that is a surprise! Edward was taken aback. In the five years hed known Lucya single mother who never seemed interested in meeting a manhed never imagined this. Odd, he thought. Or perhaps hed just never noticed. Well, then, we wont keep you. Hope your evening goes splendidly, he said, turning to the others. Shall we?
Yes.
Lets go, Im starving!
Absolutely! voices chimed from all sides, and the group set off towards the local café.
Edward walked along with them, smiling outwardly, but inwardly he felt a sharp twinge of jealousy. But really, what right did he have to feel jealous? He and Lucy were nothing more than colleagues and friends. Nothing more, nor could there be.
Its all rather peculiar, Edward mused privately.
* * *
That evening, he arrived home much later than usual. Far later. His children rushed to him at once, shouting, Dads home! Dads home! Soon after, his wife Caroline appeared.
Teddy, at last!
She wrapped him in a hug and kissed his cheek.
Weve been out and about and built a marvellous ship. And all the while youre off goodness knows where, Caroline teased.
I was earning a living, Ill have you know, Edward grumbled. And besides, I have every right to stay at work as late as I please!
Of course you do, Caroline agreed easily.
And spare me the interrogation, he said, still in a sour mood.
If someone had asked Edward then why he was being so sharp and sulky, he couldnt have answered. He didnt know himself.
Has something bitten you? Caroline joked, still smiling.
Thats when it hit Edwardhe wanted to see that smile wiped away. He wanted her to feel as wretched as he did at that moment.
No. Just tired. Warm the dinner, will you? He tried to say it with a neutral tone, and, once Caroline flitted off to the kitchen, he slumped onto the bench and buried his head in his hands.
What on earth am I doing? he thought with horror.
* * *
After several days, Edward felt lighter. He decided his upset had only been because hed wanted all those whod slaved away on the project to go out together, but Lucys refusal had put him in a sour mood.
They had a new project now, and he threw himself into it completely.
* * *
Lucy, looks like youll have to stay late tonight, he told her one evening. I need the numbers sorted.
Sorry, I cant tonightIm off to my mothers, Lucy shook her head gently. Its important to me. Ill come in early tomorrow to get it sorted.
All right, Edward nodded. Deal.
He was genuinely annoyed. How could anything be more pressing than the project?
Is your mum unwell? Edward asked.
Yes, I’m afraid so, Lucy dropped her gaze.
Understood, he replied. To care for a poorly mother, he could excuse her absence.
But later Edward overheard from colleagues that it was all an excuseher mother was perfectly healthy. Lucy had simply invented a reason so Edward wouldnt insist she stay.
What do you mean? Shes not off to her mums? Edward was surprised when his team relayed the news.
She is going, but shes not going alone, said Olivia, beckoning him to the window. Look, see for yourself.
Edward joined her. He watched as Lucy left the office building, met by a young man. They smiled, joined hands, and headed to his car. Together they drove off.
At that moment, jealousy returnedand this time it consumed him completely.
Good Lord! Its trueshe really has found someone. The thought raced through his mind.
Well then Edward tried to hide any hint of emotion in his voice. Were finished at six sharp, so everyones free after that.
He sat at his desk and attempted to immerse himself in work, but it was hopeless.
* * *
As the weeks slipped by, Edward became increasingly troubled. He couldnt make sense of it.
At first, whenever Lucy spoke or messaged him, his heart would thud in his chest. Just as it had done when he first courted Caroline.
Surely I cant have fallen for her? he wondered. The notion both amused and terrified him. He tried to ignore it; after all, he was a grown man of forty, married with children. He loved his wifewell, perhaps not love anymore. He respected and trusted Caroline, was grateful for her. But the dizzying, wild, all-consuming love of their youth? That had long since ebbed away. Likely, it fades for everyone, eventually.
Then his anxiety grew. He noticed hed straighten up whenever Lucy entered the room, as if hoping shed notice him at once. Hed start conversations just to engage her; hed ask her opinions. Later, hed replay every word, every glance in his head, searching for hidden meaning in the most trivial details.
One day he found himself wondering, What if Id met her years ago, before the children?
The thought jolted him like a shock.
Because he suddenly sawyes! He would have left. Not at once, but little by little, hed have found a reason, an excuse, a way to justify it. Hed have given it all up: the house, the comfortable routinejust for one chance with her.
A wave of guilt crashed over him, as sudden as a storm tide, overwhelming everything he believed he had under control.
He looked at the family photo on his deskCaroline, the children, beaming at the seaside. All of them smiling, himself included. Everything right; all as it should be. So why did he feel he was living the wrong life?
He couldnt understand himself. Why now, and why Lucy? Theyd worked together for three years with nothing out of the ordinary. Why couldnt he just move on, let go of her?
He felt his inner foundations beginning to crumblethose values that had seemed solid, now shifting beneath him. He didnt want to hurt anyone, or lose his family, or destroy what he’d built. But he also couldnt pretend away his feelings.
* * *
One morning, Edward awoke at dawn, darkness still filling the bedroom save for a thin stripe of grey by the curtains.
He lay there, gazing at the ceiling, unable to rid his mind of Lucy. Not for a momentnot even in this familiar, homely stillness. She was there, deep inside, like a splinter lodged in his heart.
He recalled the day before. Shed left early again; with that young fellow as always. Each time she did, something inside him seemed to break.
Im losing myself. If I don’t stop this now, Ill lose everything. Not all at once, but little by little. Ill become cold. Harsh. A stranger to my children and to Caroline. Even to myself. Ill end up hating the man I become. And by then itll be too late, he thought.
He rose, dressed quietly, and made himself a strong cup of tea. He stood at the window, gazing out onto the empty street; cold, grey and desolate. In that moment, he reached a decision.
* * *
Youre what? Youre moving to another department? His team gathered around, Lucy among them.
Yes, thats right. Theres an issue in another section, and Im going to fix it, he said.
So, its only temporaryright? someone asked.
Only temporary, Edward replied with a reassuring nod, though he knew full well that nothing is so permanent as a temporary solution.
Initially, hed resolved to leave the company altogether. But that would be foolishhe was respected here, with a good salary and prospects.
So, hed asked for a transfer instead. Even if for a month or two, it would break the circle: those constant glances, every word and look from Lucy which pulled at his heart unbearably.
He didnt want to become the fool ruined by his own feelings; didnt want to fall back on the excuse, Well, Im only human. He knew the ache would fade, given time, and though it would hurt at first, the pain would eventually pass.
That evening, he told Caroline, I want to spend more time with you and the children. I dont want to be at work so late every night.
Caroline looked at him, surprised. You mean that?
Yes. I feel like Ive been missing out. Missing moments with youand with the kids.
She smiled gentlysuch a familiar, comforting smile that his heart seized a little.
Thereafter, Edward started taking the children to the park and bringing them home from school, taking part in their school plays and activities instead of making excuses. He talked with Caroline not only about chores, but about himselfhis day, his worries, his hopes. He took a real interest in her life, too.
At times, hed ask himself, Why didnt I do this before? Why did I see it as a duty, not a chance to really know the person beside me?
Thoughts of Lucy still came, but less and less. Occasionally he saw her at work and felt a slight pangnot pain, not jealousyjust the mildest reminder that he could have chosen differently. But he hadnt. Hed chosen his family, and was grateful to himself for it.
* * *
Edward! Edward!
He was in the shopping centre, heading towards a toy shop, when he heard someone calling him. He turned and saw herLucy.
Edward! Where have you disappeared to? We kept hoping youd be back in our team, you know. Nearly a year has gone by!
He smiled warmly, genuinely glad to see her, yet felt no jar of pain.
Hello, Lucy. Its lovely to see you too.
How are you? she asked.
Fine. Well actually, Im very well, he replied, surprised to find it was true.
Why didnt you come back? she pressed. You were the best team leader we had.
I wanted a change, he said simply. And you?
She smiled wider. I remarried. Hes a good mansteady, genuine. My daughter is fond of him, too.
Edward nodded. There was no jealousy, just the faintest sense of having crossed paths with an old friend returned from a different world.
Im glad for you, he said honestly.
They chatted a short while about the company and mutual friends. Neither suggested continuing the conversation over coffee; both sensed their chapter had ended. Or perhaps a new one had begun, but separately.
When they said goodbye, Edward continued on his way, bought a gift, then went out to the car park, got in, and realised suddenly: he felt nothing for her now. No pain. No longing. No urge to throw everything away and start a new life together.
He looked ahead at the traffic lights, the passers-by, the children holding hands with their parents. And for the first time in years, he realised he was exactly where he belongednot in some daydream, not in a tale spun from longing, but in his real life. Complicated, imperfectbut truly his.
* * *
Lucy and Caroline stood beside the treadmills at their local leisure centre. Theyd both belonged to the same club for ages, often ending up in the same fitness class.
How did your meetup go? Caroline asked.
Lucy shrugged. It didnt, really. He just wished me happiness, and that was that…. So youve won, she said with a wry smile. Your husbands a wonderful man, you know.
I know, Caroline replied. I always have.
She smiled, giving her companion a playful wink.
