Sorry to trouble you, one of the constables began, but this lady claims your cat jumped onto her balcony, attacked her, and then ran off with her kitten…
You know, there are those old corner buildings they have around London where two wings meet at a perfect right angle. And if both sides have balconies, the ones in the corner are close enough that you can almost reach across but not quite, maybe a metre or so apart.
So anyway
There was this man, James, and his wife Charlotte, who lived on the fifth floor. They both worked at the same firm and shared a car to commute every day.
One evening, as they were walking across the communal garden, they spotted a pack of scruffy street dogs hassling a stray cat. This cat was a bit of a fixture; the neighbours, including James and Charlotte, often left out scraps for him.
James chased the dogs off, but the poor cat wasnt in great shape scratched up and limping, but still breathing. Without a second thought, they scooped him up and drove to the local vet.
The vet patched him up: cleaned and stitched the wounds, put him on a drip, gave him a shot of antibiotics, and told them to pop by each day for the next week for follow-up injections.
Thats how they ended up taking in Archie.
Why Archie? Well, Charlotte picked the name, saying, Hes got that old East End gangster look All tough, like an Archie. But under the scars and scowl, he turned out to be a real softie.
In no time, Archie settled in. Within days, he was sprawled out on the sofa, purring his head off, giving Charlotte those blissful, half-shut-eye looks whenever she stroked his belly.
Look at this pampered prince! shed laugh, tickling him under the chin.
Archie would wince now and thenhealing hurtsbut he was clearly loving every second.
He got better, filled out, his filthy fur grew shiny. Life on the street soon felt like a distant, terrible memorycold, hunger, fights, terror. Now he kept his world small: his balcony, a patch of sun, and people who properly cared for him. He never showed much interest in neighbouring balconies until one day.
One morning, on the balcony around the corner from theirs, a little kitten appeared: fluffy, clearly well-groomed, totally oblivious to hardship.
A right little lap-warmer, Archie thought with a snort, tail flicking in the air. But the next day, a strange sound caught Archies ear. He cocked his head. It was coming from across the way, from the pampered kitten.
Archie crept closer.
The kitten was huddled against the wall, quietly crying.
Oi, whats up with you? Archie called softly. Whyre you howling? Someone give you the wrong biscuits?
The little one flinched, pressing himself further against the wall, wary of the big, gruff cat peering over at him.
So? Why the tears? Archie pressed.
The kitten, still tucked away, whispered, She she hit me with her slipper. Youve no idea how much it hurts.
Archie had never been hit with a slipper. These days, he was spoiled and forgiven for every little mishap. But painhe remembered that.
A slipper? What for?
I meowed too early in the morning. I was hungry
Thats it? Archie was shocked.
She shouted, too. It happens a lot. If I make any noise, if I do anything wrong She doesnt love me. But on the phone, she brags to her friends that I cost a small fortune. I dont even know what valuable means
Archie did. Charlotte often stroked his ears, saying, Youre my precious thing. But it sounded different when she said it.
He frowned. He felt awful for the kittenon the street, hed have known what to do, but now? Now he was someones pampered housecat. What was he meant to do?
The kitten was called back inside. He shuffled through the door, ears flat, tail down, so frightened he left a little trickle on the floor. Archie watched, sympathy tugging at his chest, remembering when hed done the same, cornered by a massive dog all those years ago.
The kittens owner called him Sterlingsuch a posh name! Archie thought Waif suited him better.
Soon Waif (Sterling didnt fit) got used to Archie, and would often hurry out to the balcony to complain. She said today, hed sniffle, that if I dont quieten down shell chuck me off the balcony. Shes fed up of cleaning up after me…
Archies back would bristle, and his claws would itch just hearing the shouting and heavy scolding from next door. Worse, hed sometimes hear that awful thwack as the slipper came down.
Hed made his decision long ago, but fear held him back. If I step out of line, Ill end up back on the street The thought of losing his warm home and Charlottes gentle hands stopped him.
But the idea that the woman might genuinely throw Waif off the balconywell, that haunted him even more.
It all came to a head a few days later. Archie sat by the balcony, ears pricked for the racket next door. Again, the shouting. In the reflection on the glass, Archie saw it: the neighbour, standing, slipper in hand, shrieking, Ill do you in, pest!
Archie never paused to think. He leapt, clearing the gap to her balcony with a single bound.
The woman never even had a chance to throw her slipper. Suddenly, there was this monstrous cat, all claws, fur, and fury, hissing, spitting, making such a racket she thought the devil himself had landed in her flat.
She screamed, dropped the slipper, andwell, lets just say the shock got to her. She fainted dead away.
Ten minutes later, James and Charlottes doorbell rang. There was the neighbour, hair a mess, wild-eyed.
Your cat attacked me! she shrieked. He scratched me and stole my very expensive kitten! Im calling the police!
Madam, Charlotte replied coolly, our Archies right here, fast asleep. And we havent got your kitten.
The neighbours face twisted with rage. She started to say something else, but ended up just hissing and storming back to her flat, slamming the door.
Another ten minutes, and the police turned up, with the furious neighbour in tow. She babbled out her story to the two young constables.
Sorry to trouble you, one said, but she claims your cat leapt onto her balcony, mauled her and ran off with her kitten
What? James and Charlotte burst out together, genuinely astonished.
Feel free to come in and have a look, James said. Archies right where he always is, snoozing on the sofa. And theres no kitten here.
They trooped in. Sure enough, Archie was sprawled, snoring contentedly, right in the middle of the cushions.
Thats him! That one! the neighbour screamed, pointing. He attacked me and stole Sterling!
The constables glanced at one another, then out to the balcony. Thats got to be nearly two metres, one of them said quietly.
And were to believe your cat took that leap, kitten dangling from his mouth? the other asked, unable to hide his doubt.
So you dont believe me?! the neighbour bellowed, dashing around the flat, hollering, Sterling! Sterling! Sterling! as she rifled through cupboards and threw bedding everywhere, turning the place upside down.
The constables had to physically sit her down.
Madam, said one sharply, youre trespassing now. The owners have every right to press charges.
What? Me? After what that cat did to me
By the way, the other constable frowned, could you show us where you were scratched or bitten?
The neighbour faltered, looking uncertain, before bleating, Ill get you all! and stalking off.
Then Charlotte quietly added, Sorry, but could you please get off my chair? Theres a strong odour of urine.
The neighbours eyes nearly bulged out of her head. She flushed bright red, green, and then white, before dashing out, slamming the door behind her.
Are you pressing charges? the constable asked.
No, James and Charlotte answered together.
Shes clearly not quite all there, Charlotte murmured kindly.
Sorry for the trouble, the constables said, and left.
James and Charlotte looked over at Archie, whod just woken up and was watching them from the sofa.
Well now James murmured.
Lets have a look said Charlotte.
Archie glanced between them, guilty as anything, then hopped down and padded over to the wardrobe. He hooked open the door with his paw, climbed in, and gently dragged out from under a pile of towels the little kitten.
Oh my gosh they both breathed.
They slumped onto the sofa.
Archie tiptoed over and carefully deposited the trembling bundle in Charlottes lap.
So, what now? Charlotte said softly, scooping Waif into her arms, settling him in.
The kitten shivered and curled up even tighter.
Dont be frightened, love, James murmured gently.
We dont hurt cats here, Charlotte soothed, stroking his tiny back. Then she turned to Archie. You, mister, are in trouble. That was not the right way to go about this! Absolutely not. You cant just
What else was he meant to do? James asked, his eyebrows up. He rescued Waif from the wicked witch. Why punish him for that?
Anyway, its not like theres a missing kitten, is there? The police checked, James added, grinning.
You men, Charlotte sighed, addressing Waif. Solidarity. Should I give him a medal now?
I vote yes! Medal for bravery, James declared, laughing. Come on, Archielets see whats in the fridge.
Oh, honestly! Look at him! Charlotte gave Waif a conspiratorial wink.
To her surprise, the kitten stretched, wrapping his tiny paws around her warm hand and clinging to her.
Charlotte smiled softly. Alright forgiven. Just this once.
James and Archie vanished into the kitchen for a bit of roast chicken, while Waif stayed curled up on Charlottes knees. For the first time, he realised that a gentle hand, a soft strokeit was actually something wonderful.
He also found himself pondering that word: precious. Somehow, he reckoned, when Charlotte said it, it meant something quite different altogether.
