Another girl? Is this some kind of joke? Four generations of men in this family worked on the railway! And what have you brought us?
Am I really that much of a disappointment? Like my father?
What do you think?
Caroline his mother-in-law drawled. At least the name is normal. But really, what use is she? Who will want your Caroline?
Matthew stared silently into his mobile. When his wife asked his opinion, he only shrugged:
It is what it is. Maybe next time itll be a boy.
Anna felt something twist inside her. Next time? So, this little oneis she just a rehearsal?
Little Carrie arrived in Januarytiny, with enormous eyes and a mop of dark hair. Matthew stopped by only for the trip home from hospital, dropping in with a bouquet of carnations and a bag of baby clothes.
Shes pretty, he said, peering gingerly into the pram. Looks like you.
But she has your nose, smiled Anna. And your stubborn chin.
Oh, come on, Matthew waved her off. All babies look the same at this age.
Helen, Matthews mother, greeted them at home with her face puckered in disapproval.
Our neighbour, Valerie, asked me if it was a grandson or granddaughter. I was embarrassed to answer, she muttered. At my age, babysitting dolls
Anna locked herself in the nursery, sobbing quietly with her daughter pressed close.
Matthew worked longer hours. He took extra shifts on neighbouring routes, picked up overtime. He claimed the family was expensive to keep, especially with a child. He came home late, drained and silent.
She waits for you, Anna would say when Matthew passed the nursery without even glancing in. Carrie brightens up when she hears your footsteps.
Im exhausted, Anna. Ive got work early tomorrow.
But you havent even said hello to her
Shes little. She wont understand.
But Carrie did understand. Anna saw how her daughter would turn her head to the door at the sound of her fathers stepsand then stare into space as the footsteps faded away.
At eight months, Carrie became ill. First, her temperature climbed to thirty-eight, then thirty-nine. Anna rang for the GP, but the doctor said it could be treated at home with paracetamol. By morning, her fever had soared to forty.
Get up, Matthew! Anna shook him urgently. Carries terribly ill!
What time is it? Matthew blinked blearily.
Seven. Ive been up with her all night. We need to take her to hospital!
This early? Cant we wait till this evening? Ive got an important shift today
Anna looked at him as if seeing a stranger.
Your daughter is burning up with fever, and youre worried about a shift?
Shes not dying, is she? Babies get ill all the time.
Anna booked a taxi herself.
At the hospital, the doctors immediately admitted Carrie to the infectious ward. A serious infection was suspecteda lumbar puncture was needed.
Wheres the childs father? the consultant asked. We need both parents consent for the procedure.
Hes at work. Hell be here soon.
Anna called Matthew all day. His phone remained off. Finally, at 7 p.m., he answered.
Anna, Im at the depot. Work
Matthew, they think it might be meningitis! They need your permission for a lumbar puncture! Doctors are waiting for you!
What? Lumbar what? I dont understand
Get here! Right now!
I cant. My shifts till eleven, then the lads are meeting up
Anna hung up, silent.
She signed the consent alonemothers had that right. The procedure was done under general anaesthetic. Carrie looked heartbreakingly small on the huge hospital trolley.
The results will be in tomorrow, said the doctor. If its meningitis, treatment could be longsix weeks or so as an in-patient.
Anna stayed the night at the hospital. Carrie lay pale and motionless under the IV drip, her tiny chest barely rising and falling.
Matthew turned up at lunchtime next day, unshaven and dishevelled.
How is she is she all right? he asked, hesitating at the ward door.
Not well, Anna replied curtly. Were still waiting for test results.
What did they do to her? That whatever it was
Lumbar puncture. They took spinal fluid for tests.
Matthew paled.
Did it hurt?
She was under anaesthetic. She didnt feel a thing.
He moved to the cot and stood still. Carrie slept, one tiny hand resting atop the blanket, a cannula taped to her wrist.
Shes so small, Matthew murmured. I didnt realise
Anna said nothing.
The results came back clearnot meningitis. A viral infection, but with complications. She could finish treatment at home, under the doctors eye.
Youre lucky, said the doctor. Another day or so waitingit couldve been much worse.
On the drive home, Matthew was silent. Only as they parked did he say quietly:
Am I really that bad? As a father?
Anna gently repositioned the sleeping Carrie and looked at him.
What do you think?
I thought there was plenty of time. That she was too little to notice anything. But it turns out He trailed off. When I saw her like that, with all those tubes I realised I could lose her. And that losing herthat would mean losing everything.
Matthew, she needs a father. Not just a provider. A father who knows what shes called, who could tell you about her favourite toys.
What are they? he asked quietly.
The rubber hedgehogand the rattle with bells. Whenever you come home, she crawls straight to the door. Shes waiting for you to pick her up.
Matthew bowed his head.
I had no idea
Now you do.
At home, Carrie woke and began to crya thin, plaintive sound. Matthew instinctively reached for her, then hesitated.
May I? he asked his wife.
Shes your daughter.
He carefully lifted Carrie into his arms. The little girl hiccupped and grew calmer, studying her fathers face with wide, solemn eyes.
Hello, sweetheart, Matthew whispered. Im sorry I wasnt there when you were frightened.
Carrie stretched out her hand, touching his cheek. Matthew felt a lump in his throatan unfamiliar but powerful emotion.
Daddy, said Carrie, clearly, for the first time.
Matthew stared at Anna, eyes wide with shock.
She she just said
Shes been saying it for a week, Anna smiled. But only when youre not home. I guess she was waiting for the right moment.
That evening, when Carrie fell asleep in her fathers arms, Matthew gently carried her to her cot. She didnt stir, only gripped his finger tighter in her sleep.
She doesnt want to let go, Matthew marvelled.
Shes afraid youll disappear again, Anna explained.
He sat by the cot for half an hour more, unwilling to untangle his finger.
Tomorrow Ill take a day off, he whispered to Anna. And the day after. I want I want to really get to know my daughter.
But what about work? The extra shifts?
Well figure something out to get by. Or live more simply. The main thing is not to miss her growing up.
Anna came over and hugged him.
Better late than never.
Id never have forgiven myself if something had happened and I hadnt even known her favourite toys, Matthew said softly, watching his sleeping daughter. Or that she could say Daddy.
A week later, when Carrie was fully recovered, they went to the park together. Carrie sat high on Matthews shoulders, laughing as she grabbed at the autumn leaves.
Look how beautiful it is, Carrie! Matthew pointed to the golden maples. And over there, a squirrel!
Anna walked beside them, quietly thinking that sometimes you must come close to losing whats dearest, to truly appreciate its worth.
Helen greeted them at home with a sour expression.
Matthew, Valerie just told me her grandsons already playing football. And yours only plays with dolls.
My daughters the best there is, Matthew said calmly, putting Carrie on the floor and handing her the rubber hedgehog. And dolls are wonderful, too.
But the family name will end
It wont. Itll carry on. Just in a different way.
Helen opened her mouth to object, but Carrie crawled to her and reached out her arms.
Granny! said the little girl, beaming.
The grandmother hesitantly lifted her grandchild.
She she can speak! she exclaimed, surprised.
Our Carrie is very clever, Matthew said proudly. Isnt that right, darling?
Daddy! Carrie clapped her hands in delight.
Anna watched the scene and thought: happiness sometimes arrives through trials, and the greatest love is the kind that grows slowly, through pain and fear of losing it.
That night, putting Carrie to bed, Matthew softly sang her a lullaby. His voice was unsteady, a little scratchy, but Carrie stared up at him with wide-open eyes.
Youve never sung to her before, Anna remarked.
Theres a lot I never did before, replied Matthew. But now I have time to make good the past.
Carrie drifted off to sleep, clinging tightly to her fathers finger. And Matthew didnt pull awayhe sat in the dark, listening to his daughters gentle breathing, thinking of all that can be missed if you never pause to notice what really matters.
And Carrie slept, smiling in her dreamscertain now her daddy wasnt going anywhere.
Sometimes, fate doesnt just call for a choice, but for a real test, to wake the brightest feelings in a persons heart. Do you believe people can truly change, once they realise they might lose what they hold dearest?
