I never truly loved my wife, though I must have told her a hundred times. It wasnt her faultour life together was pleasant enough. She never raised her voice at me, never nagged. She was gentle and kind. The only thing missing between us was love, and I could feel it every time I looked at the cutlery and crockery neatly laid out on the kitchen table.
Every night I went to bed and every morning I woke up with the same thought: I wanted to finally leave her. To find that woman I could honestly love.
But would I ever manage that? I was comfortable with Sarah. Beyond being an immaculate homemaker, my wife was also exceptionally beautiful. To this day, my friends envy me, unable to fathom how I was lucky enough to end up with her. The truth is, I dont even know why Sarah ever loved me.
Im an unremarkable mannothing special, no extraordinary qualities separating me from hundreds like me. Yet, she loves me. Its baffling.
Her devotion and affection gave me no rest. And her beauty only complicated everything further. I knew perfectly well: if I stepped out that door and ended it all, a new suitor would swoop in at once. Hed be richer, better looking, more successful than I ever was.
When I imagined someone elses arm around her shoulders, I nearly lost my mind. Sarah was mine, even if I never truly had feelings for her. Id only married her because I found it flattering having such a lovely woman at my side.
But can you go through your whole life with someone you dont love? I thought I could pull it off, but I was mistaken. There I was, staring at the kitchen and the dining room, thinking:
I ought to tell her everything tomorrow, I thought to myself, finally drifting off to sleep.
In the morning, over breakfast, I plucked up the courage for a frank conversation.
Sarah, love, can you please sit down. Theres something I need to tell you.
Im listening, darling.
Picture this: we get divorced, and we end up living on opposite sides of London.
Sarah laughed.
Thats a strange scenario Is this some sort of game?
Just hear me out. Its important for us both.
Alright, Im imagining it. Go on.
Be honest, after I leave, would you find someone new?
Thomas, whats come over you? Why on earth would you be leaving?
Because I dont love you, and I never have.
What? Youre joking, surely? Im not following
I want to leave, but I cant bear the thought of you being with another man.
Sarah was quiet for a few moments, thinking, before she replied:
There wont be anyone better for me than you. So you can go, and dont worry about me finding someone else.
Do you promise?
Of course I do, Sarah assured me.
But where would I go?
Surely you have somewhere you can go?
No, weve spent our whole lives together. Maybe we ought to just see it through, I said with a sigh.
Oh, dont worry about that. Once weve separated, well just sell the flat and split the money, get ourselves two one-bedroom places each.
Really? I didnt expect you to be so helpful. Why are you being so kind?
Because I love you, and when you love someone, you cant force them to stay if they dont want to.
A few months later, we were officially divorced. Only a few weeks on, I found out Sarah had broken her promise and found herself another man. And as for splitting the flatwell, she never intended to sell it at all, considering it was left to her by her grandmother.
I ended up with nothingcompletely alone. After that, how can you ever trust a woman again? I honestly have no idea.
Reflecting on it now, I see that honesty is never as simple as it seems, and in losing what I never appreciated, Ive learned that comfort is not a substitute for love.
