Cockroaches
The cockroaches in Marys head were doing an Irish jig. A proper cheerful knees-up that was taking on a life of its own.
They whizzed around with their little flickers and did two heel-taps, three handclaps in time with the raucous music in Marys mind that just kept getting louder.
No, to be fair, Marys cockroaches usually behaved. Quiet, well-mannered, the very portrait of good breeding. Shed spent long enough cultivating their superior geneticsher own mental supply had been a little thin, so she gave it some attention and a bit of flair.
Gran always told Mary that cockroaches in your head were a sign of good character. Anyone with a few scuttling upstairs was bound to be an original. Full of fire, you know? The sort that make life lively for themselves and everyone nearbywithout them, daily life would be dreadfully dull.
That fire wasnt Marys term. Gran was quite the modern, up-to-date sort, fond of all the hip young phrases and the odd bit of nonsense. At eighty-something, Gran was still a force of nature: sprightlier than most people a third her age!
Mind you, strictly speaking, she wasnt even Gran, but Great-Gran. But who honestly keeps track of the greats when your actual grannys been gone for yonks and Great-Grans filled the role to a T? So lets bin the greatneedless detail.
Mary loved her gran. Of course she did. There was no one closer. Mum hardly counted.
Marys mum waswell, lets just say you dont get folks like that every day. Smart, beautiful, and an honest-to-goodness Headteacher. Not just any school, either. Thankfully, not Marys own. Gran had put her foot down there.
No good, your problems rubbing off on her.
What do you mean, Mum?
I mean, lass! Shed just be another child there, but at your school, shed be the Heads daughter. Dont ruin the childs reputation! Shell need it! Easy to lose, difficult to earn. Why am I even explaining thisyoure not a girl anymore!
Gran never beat about the bush with Mum. Always called it exactly as she saw it, said it was the only proper way. Mary couldnt judge how true that was, but one thing was clear: Gran got results. Shed raised Marys mum since she was five after Mums own mumGreat-Grans daughterpassed away. Mary didnt learn the details until much later. They didnt like to talk about it.
Just a silly accident, love. An icicle… Someone forgot to clear a roof, and a life paid the price. At least it was only one. Your mum was walking with her, and if not for Aunt Mays push, Id be all alone.
Gran, could something like that happen to anyone?
Do you want the truth?
Yes!
To anyone, darling. You, me, even the Pope. But thats no reason to be afraid.
Then whats the point?
To live, Mary! You have to squeeze every second for what its worth. Give this world something new, really new. Give, without asking return, as much as you can, as often as you can, to make the world better, fairer, more beautiful. Brighter. Theres enough darkness in the world already, love.
Gran, its easy to say. But hard to do. I know.
Good! That means your cockroaches are clever ones!
My what?! Oh, yuk, Gran! Cockroaches again?!
Mary was not, it should be said, a fan of insects. Butterflies and bees she could handleperfectly pretty creatures. But cockroaches gave her the proper creeps.
Aaaah! Gran! Cockroach!
Dont touch itit might have kids! Gran would swiftly dispatch the intruder with a slipper and look about, eyes narrowed. Seen any more?
No! Gran! You said it might have children!
Precisely. I want to know where!
Then would begin a house-wide deep clean, and Mary knew it spelled doom for the cockroachs entire line.
It was only later, when she got older, Mary understood: Gran pitied her, because, for all Mary could shout, she was dreadful at action. By the time shed actually do something, any cockroach would already have its retirement party.
Everyone knew about this quirkfrom Gran to Marys gymnastics coaches.
Your daughters capable, flexible, but she thinks dreadfully slowly. That could be dangerous when quick thinking is required. Maybe find her a different activity?
Ill think about it, said Gran, and off they went to Chess Club.
And Chess Club suited Mary to a T. No one rushed her there. She could think for agesand people praised her for it! It was heaven. Its no surprise she stayed for years.
Gran boasted endlessly about Marys trophies from every tournament, making sure the whole street saw.
Mary, youre my little star!
Gran, you frighten me when you say that.
Why, dear?
I remember you told Mum that no good ever came of being starstruck. I dont want to be a star, thank you!
Youve misunderstood!
Well, explain. Im a child, you know!
Gran always explained, every question, with feeling and careful thought. Not always as Mum might want, mind you.
Mum! What have you been telling Mary?! Today she asked what in the family way meant! Shes thirteen, Gran!
Why not? Kids know everything these days. Ask Mary whats going on in her classsoap operas! I feel like a novice. Me! Married three times and still clueless!
Mary never told me
You never asked. Thats the Snodgrass way. Calm and measured outside, but a circus inside the head! Have a word with your child. And dont worry, I only gave her the facts. Shes clever, and she remembers.
What am I meant to do with such a brain, Gran? She asks such odd things. How should I talk to her?
The same way I talked to you. Remember?
You never hid anything. Why?
Because getting realitys slap later hurts worse. Better she learns it from me than life itself. Look at youprepared, yet you had Mary at nineteen, unmarried. Not ideal, was it?
Gran!
Dont snap! I get itall about love and not knowing Marys dads background. Never mind! His loss, our Marys gain. Shame youre still single. That worries me! So clever and lovelyno personal life. Not good, Lizzy!
Gran, dont start!
I wont, if you stop overthinking and get on with your life! One mistake doesnt mean you stop living.
I havent! And Marys not a mistake!
I never said she was. Its your daft, lovesick running away! Remember when you disappeared for a fortnight?
I do… When you found me, you said nothing, just brought your cabbage pie and pretended all was well. Gran, I love you!
I know! Now let me finish raising our child.
Mum finally found happiness when Mary was nearly sixteen. Lizzy dated her chap for nearly a year before daring to tell the family shed found love again.
Mary discovered it by accident, spotting Mum in a café with a stranger, hand-in-hand and smiling a special smile. Mary had never seen Mum glow like thatalmost, dare she say, young again. At first, Mary was gutted. But on the walk home, something clicked.
Gran, did you know?
About your mum? Suspected.
I dont want to get in the way.
Then dont, love. Is there a problem?
What if he hurts her?
Gran, whod been rolling out pastry then, dusted her hands and wrapped Mary in a hug.
Whod let him? Our Lizzy isnt alone. Shes got back-up!
Mary didnt protest. Gran knew her onions. Once a formidable police detective, now a kindly old dear who still intimidated half the local constabulary. She could still tell a wrongun by the tension in her brow. And Mums choice? Not a wrinkle to be seen. All seemed safe. Accepting it, though, was a different matterno one was ever as precious to Mary as her mum.
Still, life carried on. Andrew BurrowsMums fellacame calling properly soon enough, asking for Lizzys hand. It was down to Mary to give her blessing. Andrew loved genuinely, and for the first time, Mary saw Mums worry lines vanish. She liked this new, lighter Mum.
Jealousy took some wrangling, mind you. Mary tried to hide her annoyance, but not very wellespecially when her new baby brother arrived. Mum blossomed even more; Mary grumbled to Gran.
We didnt raise you right, dear! You needed more discipline! Gran huffed, genuinely riled.
Gran? Whats the matter?
Never thought youd be such an egotist! When you refused to move in with your mum, I thought you didnt want to be a nuisance to the newlyweds. Grown up, I thought. Turns out, I mightve misjudged! Im getting old…
Gran, what? Im not against it, its just
Just hard, not being the only one? Were not forever, love. Anything can happen. Now youll never be alone. Seen it from that side?
Ive tried, Mary muttered. But…
Still hard?
Yeah! Why am I like this, Gran?
Perfectly normal! Youve just had Mum to yourself for so long. Now you have to share. So what?
I suppose…
Well, stop it! Who says you have to divide her up? Just be presenthelp her out, pop in, do your bit. Its easier to take love than give it back, Mary. But loves all about give. The more you share, the more comes back. You arent doubting Mum loves you?
No!
So give those cockroaches a slap! Besides, youll be grown up soon and off to start your own life. Busy enough?
That last bit was decidedly wide of the mark. Mary was up to her earsuniversity applications, study, and then Denis came along. Not as a boyfriendfar from it! He and Mary were sworn enemies from parallel classes.
First time they met was at the first day assembly. Mary, dressed up to the nines, hurried up the stairs for the event script, tripped, twisted her ankle, and received a helpful, Watch yourself! from some bespectacled string bean she didnt even know.
Easy for you to say! Why dont you help instead? she snapped.
Thats exactly what Im doing. Youre not very logical, he replied, offering her bag with infuriating calm.
Mary fumed. Typical! He could only offer unsolicited commentary.
She limped off with as much dignity as she could muster, and went to see Mrs. Archer.
Mary, what happened?!
Nothing much. Just need to watch my step…
Go to the nurse! Now!
Denis, trailing behind, popped his head in and put down her bag. Want an escort?
Where, exactly?!
To the nurse. Might be a sprain.
Go… wherever you were headed! Ill cope! Mary had no idea why he bugged her so much.
Denis shrugged and wandered off. Mrs. Archer tutted.
Why so harsh? Denis is a lovely boystar pupil! Wants to study medicine like you. Whats the issue?
Nothing…, Mary grumbled, but she made a mental note about this would-be doctor.
Mary had never seriously considered a career beyond paediatrics. Helping sick kids was hard but important workjust up her alley. Never one for easy roads, Mary relished a good puzzle.
And puzzles were Mary and her cockroaches forte. The ones with extra twists, especially. Like the one with Mum and little Alex. Her brother was an odd onenoisy, headstrong, but sweet. He took to Mary quickly, kicking up a fuss if she was away too long. Now, Mary had her own room in her stepdads big house, often staying weekends to help with the baby.
In truth, she was helping herself.
Holding her little brother, Mary realised something was missingbut what? She cared for this hyperactive little dervish, hair-pulling and all, yet admitting it was curiously hard. No advice from Gran nor gentle encouragement from Mum seemed to crack through.
Her head was building up worries like a tower of Jenga blocks, cockroaches dancing in geometric progression. Time to sort things out.
It was Alex who made Mary doubt her career choice.
Gran, if I dont like kids, I shouldnt be around them, should I?
Who says you dont, all kids?
I dont know… Mary wavered.
Youre overthinking, Mary.
Maybe. But isnt it a warning sign? What if I turn mean?
Im glad you think about that. A crabby doctor doesnt belong near children. Best to sort it now.
How?
Ill think of something.
And Gran, ever inventive, sent her on work experience.
Theyve a big family, little kids all over, as lively as a box of frogs. Cope with them, you can cope with anything.
How come you know them, Gran?
Gran took a moment, poured herself a drink, looked out the window, then finally admitted it.
Theyre my old mistake, Mary. Vera, the mum, once came to me, accusing her stepdad of harming her own mother. Mum went missing for three monthskids all different agesVera eldest. Stepdad claimed her mumd wandered off. Shed done that before, sometimes coming back, sometimes with a new baby on the way. Of Veras three siblings, only one possibly had the same father.
So why did that man stay with her?
Oh, love, who ever knows? Every family has its secrets. I only started investigating when he got violent towards Veratried to replace her mother with her! Vera, just seventeen, reported him. Her little brother, a special lad, protected herwouldnt let her sleep alone. Family its complicated. Anyway, school sweethearts mum got involvedfierce as me! Forced the police to listen, and we found their mum. Stepdad was vile, but fate took its course before trial. Vera raised her brothers, made something of them. Now shes got three kids and nearly as many grandchildren. Shes short on help. I kept in touch after her ordeal, somehow became mates. Not sure how that happened! Anyway, youll help with the children, and see for yourself if working with kids is your thing.
Mary did well at Grans school of life. She got on with Vera and the crowd of kidsand finally, properly, realised she had chosen her career wisely. So she buckled down, studied for exams, and got into university, though not with the stellar marks shed wanted.
Imagine her shock, first day on campusin the corridor, there he was: Denis.
Youre here too?
His calm, slightly surprised tone annoyed her at once.
I am. What about you?
Im a student.
Turned out Denis wasted few words, speaking only when necessarysomething Mary figured out over time. For almost a year, shed snort on sight in the halls or at some student café. Denis acknowledged her only with a nod, nothing more.
He really noticed Mary when she joined a student volunteer group, entertaining sick children in the childrens ward.
She was rigging up a daft orange clown wig backstage when she heard his voice, lazy as ever.
Didnt expect to see you here. Lost your way?
That day, the children cackled at the rivalry of two clowns, little knowing what a drama simmered beneath the surface. Mary, elbowing her fellow entertainer, suddenly found herself no longer angry with him. Denis hauled kids about, made them balloon animals, hugged everyoneregardless of interestand genuinely had a whale of a time.
After the show, Denis hesitated, then handed Mary a flower twisted from a balloon.
Here you go. You did great. Nice working with you.
Ta, said Mary, a bit awkwardly.
Off home, or will you let me buy you a coffee?
Why are you so grumpy? Mary fiddled with the flower, but grinned. Oh, all right.
Come on, then. I know a good café nearby. Got an hour, mind.
Why only an hour?
My tutees waiting laterbit of extra work.
Mary learned Denis lived with his mum and tutored to help out at home. Then she discovered Deniss cockroaches were the very same breed as her own. That clinched it.
Gran had always said, Treasure those with cockroaches like yours. Rare as hens teeth. If youre lucky enough to find one, never let gouse hands, feet, teeth if you must.
Gran, you ever met anyone like that?
Oh yes! All three of my husbands had cracking, well-bred cockroaches. And their own were impressive!
If thats so, why did you leave them? Wasnt it enough?
Now, thats a question. Can I pass, Mary?
Why?
Cockroaches need their own experience! All Ill say is, I didnt divorce for lack of love or understanding. You know Im still on good terms with them all. Were just good folks who didnt quite fit. Some tales are for later. Understand why?
I think so.
Good lass! And I like your Denisgood lad. Nearly as good as you.
Nearly? Why only nearly?
Because hes better. He puts up with you!
Oh, Gran! Ill remember that!
Be my guest! Has he proposed yet?
Not yet.
Well, brace yourself. Wouldnt surprise me. Hell pop the question soon enough. How do you feel about him?
I think I love him…
There we are then! Time to set aside my slippers.
Gran!
Im just saying! Life doesnt last forever, darlin. But Im in no rushIll stick around to see your babies first!
What babies, Gran?! Were not even married yet!
You will be! Mark my words!
And thats when Marys cockroaches began their wildest jig…
All because Gran was right. Denis did propose, by the book, with a proper ring and all the trimmings.
Mum sobbed like a toddler as he slipped the ring on, Gran clapped wildly, forgetting all about her sore joints, and Vera brought her whole cheerful mob, crying happy tears and whispering to Mary: Hes a goodun, Mary. Dont let him go.
I wouldnt, Auntie Veraeven if I tried!
Oh really, why?
Weve got the same breed of cockroaches, see. Gran says you never let those ones get awaywhat if theres no other like him?
Vera laughed, then danced the little flicker Maryd just imagined while her own cockroaches did their jigs. Youre right! The gang just got bigger. Well done, friend! Im not worried about you anymore! Now, time to hug your Gran… and Denis! People like youwere on the same path, Mary. Always will be.Mary did, hugging Gran so hard that Grans glasses went askew. The whole crowd pressed inMum, Denis, little Alex clutching at Marys arm, Veras boisterous grandkids weaving through everyones ankles. Laughter and tears collided, as noisy and bright as any cockroach-jig Gran ever imagined.
Later, when the night grew quiet and everyone drifted away, Mary slipped into the kitchen where Gran fussed over the tea. Gran? she whispered.
Gran turned, pretended her eyes werent watery. Whats on your mind, sweetheart?
Just… thank you.
Grans arms folded Mary in with that familiar, safe squeeze. Cockroaches looking lively?
Mary laughed, a wobble in her voice. Rowdier than ever. Is that a good thing?
Its the best thing, love. Means youre living honest and trueto yourself, all of us, and that lucky, lucky lad.
Mary closed her eyes for a moment, listening to the hum of family in the next room, the gentle clatter of mugs, the thump of Alexs feet running down the hallway, the warmth of bustling life around and within. Her thoughts whirled and tumbled like merry cockroaches. But for once, they werent worries stacking upthey were party confetti, flung into the air, bright and wild.
She squeezed her Gran, and said, Dont ever stop telling me stories.
As long as youre here to listen, Gran promised.
By morning, Mary woke to find the first photograph from their celebration already standing on her bedside: Gran, Mum, Denis, Alex, Veras mob, and right at the centre, Marylaughing, mid-spin, arms flung wide as though she could hug the world.
Life would spin her, no doubt, in stranger circles yet. But Mary was ready. Her cockroaches, finally, had learned the best dance of alland she would never stop whirling with them, heart full, her own wild music ringing out, clear and true.
