A Letter to My Father
Oh, you are a real character, Harry! Grace no longer cared for manners; she wiped her nose with the sleeve of her lovingly sewn blouse.
Her mother had made this fancy blouse, pulling out a length of silk shed saved for years, sighing over it because she knew it would never be hers, and then set about cutting and stitching.
Of course! The girl had grown up; she needed pretty things. Who would give her a second glance if she dressed poorly?
Mum shouldn’t have bothered, really… Whats the point? Grace thought as she watched her first love walk away.
That love, Harry, was striding off with his ever-military purpose, never looking back, not once.
It stung. No, it was unbearable.
Grace let out another quiet sob, but caught herself. She had mascara on her lashesapplied that morning despite her mothers prohibition. Crying now would ruin everything.
Harry Henry, Harry, dearest Harry.
Her beloved, her only one. Theyd had, what, six months of joy together? Grace had counted the days. Exactly half a year had passed since they first met.
Six monthsso much had happened.
Just as Harry turned to glance back, Grace quickly looked away as though she hadnt noticed.
Let him go! Shed come to him with this news, and hed practically turned up his nose. Fine, off with you! Sailoralways wanting the sea and his freedom! Cheek! She didnt need him. Shed have the child and raise it herself, no ones permission needed. Not that she asked for it.
Grace was seething, but underneath, beneath the bravado, a thin, sharp ache of hurt hummed through her like a splinter in the soul.
How could he? Hed sworn he loved her, promised her everything she wished for. Hed even said they would marry. But nowsoon as she told him she was expectinghed fled into the background.
Well, she hadnt quite told him, not in so many words. Shed merely hinted that weekends together werent enough anymore, and Harry replied the sea was calling him, and he wasnt about to change his life for her whims. He told her if she loved him, she should pack up and set sail with him.
But how could she leave her mother behind, especially now, with a baby on the way? To the far side of the country, where she knew no one?
No, absolutely not.
Grace stood up from the bench, straightened her skirt, adjusted her hair. Not many locks to style, but a perm works wonders if you believe her mother. How appearance changes everything. Harry wasnt much to look at, honestly. Yet girls went mad for himhe was clever, witty, could talk about serious things like any student, even if his formal education was just five years and two corridors, as people joked. Stillhe knew things.
Grace herself hadnt gone far with studies either. Finished at college, and refused any more, no matter how her mother urged. Once, shed even insulted her mum over itand they hadnt spoken for nearly a month! When had that ever happened?
But Grace knew her value. What use was another diploma, when she was already earning good money on the building site? Enough to send her mother some, while keeping enough for herself.
Her mum, in time, had relented, hugged her close again. After all, mothers are like that. But what would she say when she found out about the baby? Would she start a row?
Of course she would. Theres no escaping it.
Her mother went off, her voice reaching a pitch that drew the neighbours curiosity. Not that they got any explanationjust told Grace had troubles at work and chivvied them out. Family business, best kept private.
How could you, love? Didnt I always tell you, wait until marriage? Who will look after you now? Oh, Harry! I never expected such wickedness from him! Hes always seemed so decent! What a snake! So, did he run the moment you spoke of the child?
Grace wondered. Tell her mother everything? Shed pick her apart and never let her forget it. Better to say less; it meant less trouble for all. Harry would be far away soon.
Yes, Mum. Thats what happened.
Oh, my poor girl What are we to do now?
Well manage, Mum! Were not children, are we? If you dont leave me, if you help a little in the beginning, Im not afraid. I can have this baby.
How could I ever leave you? What a thing to say! What mother would abandon her own child in need?
Grace closed her eyes for a moment and let relief gently sweep through her.
Thats that, Harry. Well manage without you. Goif your love of the sea is stronger than your love for your own child.
Soon, the emotion of that raw conversation with Harry faded, blurring in Graces mind. She convinced herself shed told him outright about the baby and hed essentially slammed the door in her face. The bitterness and hurt settled inside her, curling together and reminding her, time and again: Look at that! The girls a chip off her fathers block. Always wriggling and running you ragged! Go on, tell her solet her never ask about her feckless dad! Off he sailed for his endless ocean and never wrote a line! Shell do the same, when she grows up! Runs in the bloodnever values, never loves! And never will! Apples dont fall far…
Maybe thats why Graces daughter, Daisy, grew up convincedonly Gran loved her, and even that was spotty. Gran hugged and comforted, but if neighbours giggled within earshot, shed quickly push Daisy away:
Go on, love! Go to your motherlet her give you a cuddle. Oh, whats become of us, Lord? What could we have done to deserve such trials?
Till the age of three, Daisy honestly thought her name was trouble and punishment. Her mother used her real name, Daisy, but only on rare, calm evenings, so those words became specialsoft, kind moments just for her.
Come here, sweetheart, let me tidy those plaits. Lovely thick hair… Not like mine. Yours is dark and full, just like your fathers. His was black as a ravens wing, and his eyes blue as the sea he ran off to. Youre just like him. Beautiful, but I fear happiness will always elude you.
Why? Daisy would pout, fighting back tears.
Because.
Her mothers voice would waver, and Daisy knew not to ask more. It was easier to retreat to Grans, bury herself in an apron that smelled of shepherds pie and roast beef, and have a little cryfirst for herself, then for Mum, and finally for Gran. Mums shame weighed on Grans shoulders, Daisy felt.
What sort of shame, and why anyone had to carry it, Daisy only learned much later. She was nearly ten when her mum blossomed unexpectedly, grew lively again, and left for the city to start a new life.
Daisy stayed behind with her grandmother.
She didnt particularly miss her motherGrace had left her before to find work, saying someone had to put food on the table. But this time was different. Those trips usually ended with Mum coming back tired but happy, bringing gifts and new clothes, cooing over Daisys height and then scolding Gran:
Mum, why is she so thin? People will think we dont feed her!
Shes a fussy eater, your daughter! All she wants is a bit of bread. If you were here, shed eat properly! What can I do, with livestock to tend, the farm, and a child underfoot? Instead of complaining, you could stay home and care for her yourself!
What does she need mothering for, Mum? Shes nearly grown! Anyway, dont start. Look what Ive brought you!
What use are your gifts, Grace? Oh, love, I wish youd stay nearby. My heart aches with loneliness
Her mother would sigh, and Daisy would shrink into a corner, braced for another argument.
Lonely, are you? You think Im not? Im still young and pretty, and what of it? My lifes been lonely as a vicar. And then you have a go as well! Sometimes, its just too much. Mum, I wish youd understand! Ive already burdened myself so much If Id known it would be like this, Id never have let him go!
Whats done is done, love. Theres no use regretting it now.
Mum!
What? You had a childraise her. If you cant, write to her fathermaybe hell take Daisy instead?
Give her to him? No way! He never wanted to know her! Now I hand him a ready-made child? Absolutely not! All these years working my fingers to the bone, just for him to waltz in and claim her?
Well, dont complain, then! She hears every word, you know. Think its easy, for her to know her fathers a scoundrel, and her mums worn to the bone keeping things together?
Let her complain! Lifes not a bed of roses! Sometimes it slaps you so hard, you cant see straight! Enough, Mum! Dont you dare write to Harry yourself! I know what youre like!
Gran minded this rule, but not forever.
Daisy was preparing for her exams when they heard from London; her mother had given birth to a baby boy, and a week later, shed passed away, never able to explain a thing.
The secret of Daisys birth might have remained locked away forever, but Daisy had always been stubborn.
When Gran headed off to the city, leaving a tearful Daisy behind to mind the house, she left stern instructions.
Its not time for tears, Daisy Lets worry about how we’ll get by Gran muttered, tightening her old black shawl. How will we live? I just dont know
Gran, Ill get a job!
Lets wait a bit with that. We need to sort out the baby first. His father took him in but doesnt want to bring him up. And I Can we manage, Daisy?
What choice do we have? Gran, I pretty much grew up without Mum. Are we to send this one to an orphanage? We cant do that!
I know, love But it frightens me. I dont know how much longer Ill manage
When Gran left, Daisy searched the whole house, determined now she needed her fathers helponly he could save them.
Shed always known what to do. Even as a little girl, unable to write, shed drawn her father pictures, hiding them from Mum and Gran. Shed scribbled stories about their new cat or how Gran taught her to bake scones. The sketchpads, hidden under her bed, were once found by Granbut Gran said nothing. She tried again to talk to her daughter, but Graces anger was too deepshe never wanted to trouble Harry, even though shed never told him anything about Daisy.
When she learned to write, Daisy penned letters to her father, filling notebooks with her whole life, her joys and disappointments, her victories and her deepest hurts.
Now she only needed to write the most important letterthe one she might actually post.
She finally found the address. An old, battered envelope, hidden so well by her mother that Daisy only stumbled across it by accident, when she knocked a framed photograph off the wall. The glass smashed, and Daisy began to cry at her own clumsinessher mother was right, she was hopeless.
A frayed bit of the white envelope peeked from under the photograph as Daisy brushed the glass away from her mothers face.
Whats this? Daisy pulled at the corner and, realising what shed found, burst into harder tears. Mum, why did you keep this from me? What did I ever do to you?
Daisy sat on the floor for ages, spilling her thoughts to her mother and asking forgiveness for reasons she couldnt even name.
She didnt feel any better for it.
Sorry, Mum, but I wont listen anymore. You never wanted me to know my dad. I know that. But I need him! Gran always says shes not young anymore And as much as it hurts, shes right. We cant manage alone anymore. If hes as bad as you always said, at least Ill know for myself. But what if hes not? Sorry, Mum, but I dont completely believe you. All my life, you told me my dad was terrible, but why even have me if you werent going to love me? Why pretend to be a hero? Yes, I know what youd sayIm ungrateful. Maybe I am. But do you have any idea how it hurts to not be loved? To be constantly compared to someone I dont even know, never met? I want to see for myself, just once, what hes really like. Dont be hurt. I just want to hear him out.
It never even occurred to Daisy that her father might have moved away.
She didnt think; she just acted.
After an evening and half the night spent with a torn old notebook page, Daisy finally managed to squeeze out three lines, carrying her hurt, a plea for help, and a faint hope her father would listen.
She posted it on her way to school. Coming home, she found Gran had returned, and had brought a restless, tiny babyher brother.
Here, Daisy This is Alfie, your brother Gran busied herself with the swaddling on the bed, hiding her tears as Daisy gazed at the little one.
Gran, why is he so small?
Hes normal. You were smaller, you know.
Really?
Oh yes. Then you shot up; he will too. Just you wait.
Gran, and his father
Said hed help, but wont take him in. Well have to manage ourselves.
Well, its something, I suppose Daisy mimicked Grans tone so perfectly that she couldnt help but smile.
Ah, Daisy! Will we manage?
Well have to, Gran. Just as anyone does. Look at Chloe Baxter, she has nine kids and copes! She promised me some spare baby things, all barely worn. They outgrew them too quickly! Thats true, isnt it?
What, that children grow fast? Too right, Daisy. Faster than youd imagine. Feels like just yesterday I was holding your mum like this. And now shes gone
Dont cry, Gran! Or Ill start, and Alfie will, too! Whats he grizzling abouthungry already?
Its feeding time, thats what! Good heavens, yes! Would you hold him for a minute? Dont worry, you wont drop him. Youre a sensible girl, Daisy! Lets hope he grows up the same.
Daisy froze.
Here, in her arms, was living proof that she wasnt alone anymore. All those years hoping thered be someone who needed her as much as she needed them, and now he was here. Gran and Mum didnt count in the same waythey always had their own ideas about who needed whom.
Get married and well be cast aside, youll see! her mum would shrug when Daisy asked what would happen if their family ever changed.
But Daisy always wanted to hear theyd all live togethera big family, like Chloe Baxters, chaotic, noisy, but warm and full of life, three generations under one roof.
Chloe lived with her parents and in-laws, calling them all Mum and Dad with equal affection. She ran her house with a firm but gentle hand, knowing that everything under their roof was her responsibility as wife, mother, and homemaker. Her husband supported her in everything, diffusing squabbles with a laugh and a wag of his finger:
Now, tidy up! No need for shouting at your own folk!
Daisy heard that once and made a note to herselffamily is the most important thing in the world!
If only Gran and Mum werent the only family she had. Until now.
No matter that the baby, barely a fortnight old, was so small and helplessDaisy understood, right then, that he was her life from now on. He needed her, and she needed him, and no matter how old he grew, he’d always be her little brother.
Daisy learned to care for Alfie quickly. Chloe, always busy, popped in once, swiftly unfolded the fussing baby, studying his stick-thin arms and legs:
Well, hello there, little fighter! Youll be yelling louder soon, wont you? Daisy, watch nowthis isnt hard, honest. All girls manage, and you will, too. Wheres Gran?
Gone to town this morning. Needed to sort out some paperwork. She showed me what to do, but I wanted your advice
Whys that? Not happy with Grans way? Chloe frowned.
Its not that, Chloe! Its just Gran says shes forgotten what babies are like, its been so long. You remember everything.
Too right! Chloe laughedher youngest twins werent even a year old. Like it was yesterday!
So, I thought youd show me the ropes. Im scared, Chloehes so tiny.
Dont worry, Daisy. Well muddle through. Girls used to get married much younger, you knowby the old ways, youd have had two by now. So youll cope fine.
Daisy watched Chloes hands but her mind wandered: she wasnt ready to be anyones mum, not even close. Nappies and bottles were one thingloving her own child was another. But Alfie would soon teach her that, better than anyone else.
Now Daisy didnt just hurry home from schoolshe raced. Someone was waiting for her! The first toothless smile in Alfies life wasnt for Gran, but for her, Daisy. And it was her name that he learned first:
Day-zee! hed shout, toddling across the garden to her as she came home.
Im here, my lovely! Come on, lets get you cleaned up!
Alfie would agree to anything for Daisy, even suffering soap and a flannel. Gran would chuckle, watching Daisy try to pin down the wriggling little boy:
Hes slippery as an eel! Hang onto him, Daisy, or hell bang his nose!
Busy as she was, Daisy completely forgot about the letter shed once sent her father. No reply ever came, and she decided the silence was all the answer she needed. Clearly, she wasnt wanted.
A worm of hurt twisted inside her, but it faded quicklythere was no time for self-pity, not with Alfies needs filling her head.
Gran kept nagging about university, but Daisy was having none of it.
Gran, you know its impossible! If I got in, Id have to go off to the city. How would you and Alfie manage alone? No, Gran, dont even start!
Gran never stopped pushing. Daisy lost her temperwhat, was she never going to find work here? The farm always needed hands, and Chloe and her husbands new shop was hiring. Chloe had already offered Daisy a job if she wanted to stay in the village.
But Gran never listened.
Daisy! You dont understand! Your mum wasted her life the same way, and now youre set to follow her! Im only doing whats best for you!
I do understand, Gran, but dont push me! Some things are more important than education!
It was precisely during these arguments that the very person Daisy never thought shed see finally showed up.
She was coming home from Chloes with Alfie that evening. Her brother, exhausted from a day with the twins, was getting cranky but shuffled after her, knowing Daisys rules were firmif it was bedtime, hed better listen. Just outside the garden gate, he tugged at her skirt.
Day-zee! Pick up!
She lifted him onto her hip, smiling involuntarily at his bossy, funny Pick up!
Pushing open the gate, she made her way towards the porchthen froze. A stranger was on the verandah, standing on an old stool, fiddling with the porch lamp that had been dead for as long as Daisy could remember.
There, jobs a good un! the odd man grinned, hopping down as the porch light flickered to life.
It was only then he noticed Daisy and Alfie, both eyeing him warily.
Love
Harry took a few uncertain steps and, despite Daisys involuntary recoil, swept both her and Alfie into a tight embrace.
My darling girl
Daisy was stunned to see tears in the strangers eyes.
Please forgive me, love. I never knew about you. Is he yours? Harry nodded at Alfie, who stared wide-eyed at the mysterious man. Will you trust me, as Granddad? Come here and let me have a look at you.
Only then did Daisy come to her senses and understand who stood before her.
Hes not my son! Ohsorry! Pardonhes not my child! Dad, hes Mums. My brother, Alfie
I see. Harry drew the boy close. And for once, Alfie didnt wriggle away from a strangerhe cuddled up, rubbing his cheek against Harrys stubble.
Prickly!
Ill shave, I promise! Come on, my girl, lets head indoorsyour mosquitoes are vicious! Im half gone already!
The rivers just there, Dad
I remember
Gran met Daisys eyes, and she understoodher gran and father had already worked things out. Thered be peace now, so what was there to be angry about?
What did it matter, the history between her parents? What mattered was that her family had grown overnight, and this was a gift she could truly appreciate.
Daisy watched Alfie scamper round Harrys feet and realisedthis was the start of something new. They finally had a man in the house. And that felt good.
Later, Daisy found out her letter hadnt been lost; it had reached the old address after all. The new tenanta kind young womanhad tracked down Harry after a long search and sent on the letter. It then sat waiting, months, while Harry was off at sea.
The moment I got your note, I rushed home, Harry said. I thought I was all alone in the world. Wrote to your mum, time and again, begged her to think things overI wanted a family.
And she? Daisy asked.
She only answered once. Said she was married and asked me never to write again. So I didnt… Oh, if only Id known what was really going on here! Id have come back, even if I had to swim! God, I dont deserve this happiness. Will you come with me? Ive a flat in Portsmouth. Big, bright! You can see the sea from the window, with sunsets so beautiful, you just want to keep living.
Dad, I cant
Why not?
Im not leaving Alfie or Gran! It wouldnt be right!
And who said you have to leave anyone? The flats big. Theres room for us all. You need to study, love! Gran can mind Alfie, and well get you into college.
And what will we live on? Gran and I are just managing! Alfies dad promised to help but hasnt sent a penny. Hasnt even visited. Pretends his son doesnt exist! Only ever visited once, barely ten minutes, then left. Satisfied Alfie was fine and disappeared.
Are you trying to insult me? Harry frowned, and Daisy almost laughedher fathers grumpy face was just like Alfies when he was truculent. Am I not a man? Are you telling me I cant look after two women and a little lad? Really! Start packingGran gave us her blessing ages ago. We were just waiting for you to agree. And now you have, havent you?
I have, Dad. I really have
And Daisy would hug her father, grateful for the day she had the courage to write that letter. She would leave with him for the distant English coast, which would, for all its name, never really be peaceful.
Perhaps Daisys life would never be tranquil either, with enough gales and calms to fill a dozen seas. But she would always knowshe had found her refuge: a home where, no matter what happened, she would always be safe.
And in that haven, there would always be warmth and laughterher family waiting for her, the smell of homemade apple pies (which no amount of Grans guidance could ever help her bake properly).
And above all, her tousle-haired little brother, greeting his sister in a voice just breaking but proudly deep:
Hi! Dad said you were coming! Daisy, Ive missed you!
Me too, love Me tooDaisy set down her suitcase in the hall, every sense filling with the riot of sound and scent shed longed for: Gran fussing over a kettle, Alfies wild shouts as he pelted down the stairs, and Harry singing off-key in the kitchen as he cracked eggs with a sailors heavy hand. For a quiet moment she stood in the hubbub, drinking in the glorious, imperfect mess of her new home.
Alfie barreled into her, nearly knocking her over. Bout time you showed up! he grinned, trying to be manly, but Daisy still saw the glimmer of the boy whod once fit in the crook of her arm.
Im never leaving again, Daisy whispered into his hair. He nodded fiercely, and weirdly it felt like a promise made and kept all at once.
Harry poked his head around the door, flour dusting his cheek. Breakfast, captain! he said, eyes twinkling, and for the first time since she could remember, Daisy felt what her mother must have felt when love was still brand new.
They gathered at the tableold, battered, legs uneven as ever. Gran poured tea and set out apples and thick slices of bread, scolding Alfie for licking the butter. Harry raised his mug in a toast.
To second chances, he said, voice rough. To letters sent and found their way home.
Daisys heart squeezed so tight it almost hurt, but she was smiling through tears.
Home, she echoed. Not the house or walls, but the faces around this table, the arms that caught you, the laughter, the forgiveness, the hope.
Outside, gulls sang above the distant roar of the sea. Daisy knew storms would comelosses, arguments, mistakes. But now there were hands to hold, voices calling her back, love that waited stubbornly for her return.
And for the rest of her dayswherever she roamed, whatever she becameDaisy would remember the taste of apple pie badly baked, her brothers arms slung around her waist, her fathers humming, and Grans tired but happy sigh.
Shed remember, most of all, the day her letter reached someone who truly wanted to come home.
And so the family, at last, was whole.
