So, you wont believe what happened for my birthday recentlyit was supposed to be an evening of pure triumph, you know? Id just been promoted, James and I finally paid off the mortgage, and I was feeling on top of the world. I honestly thought the night would be full of lovely toasts and warm wishes. Then, just as we all sat down, the doorbell rang, and in swept my other motherBarbara Thompson.
Barbara, let me tell you, has that talent for compliments that sting more than they flatter. You know the type: Oh, what a brave dress for someone with your hips, or Youve lost weight must be working yourself into the ground, hmm? So her kindness is always a bit sharp-edged. But this time, she really went all out.
So there we all were, guests chatting, the table groaning under the weight of food, when it came time to hand out presents. It was a bit awkward, but still nice. Then Barbara gets up, asks everyone for attention and delivers this long, dramatic, almost philosophical speech.
She talked about how time just flies by, how a womans beauty is like a flower that needs tending, how a husband deserves an attractive and energetic wife. I listened and could just feel it comingshe was winding up to something special.
And then, she hands me a gift bag. I peel back the paper, and insidetheres two boxes. The first? A set of bathroom scales. The secondanti-aging face creams with the words in bold, practically screaming: AGE 45+. Deep restoration for aging skin. Fights deep-set wrinkles.
I swear, you couldve heard a pin drop. James went beetroot-red, looked like he wanted the earth to swallow him whole. The guests all exchanged anxious little smiles, trying to look anywhere but at me. Meanwhile Barbara just beamed:
Its for the future, love! Preventions the best cure, you know. And the scaleswell you mentioned your jeans were getting a bit tight after Christmas! Just looking out for you, as any mother would.
I slapped on a smile, muttered a quick thank you, and pushed the boxes under the table. But I was gutted. Completely ruined the evening for methe humiliation just boiled up inside.
Now, not going to lie, I did consider lobbing those scales right off the balcony. The cream, I just parked on the bathroom shelf for the aesthetics but had no intention of using it.
Every time Barbara popped round afterwards, shed glance at her gifts and ask, all smug:
Been using them?
Saving them for a special occasion, Id say, keeping it as neutral as possible.
But, in the back of my mind, I was waiting for her birthday. She was turning fifty-fivea big milestone, a big party, and the perfect chance to remind her that no one has to silently accept other peoples patronising care.
I thought about what to get for ages. Doing the same to herwrinkle cream and a blood pressure monitorfelt too obvious, like Id let her get to me. I wanted something a bit cleverer. Something with finesse. A gentle burn, but beautiful.
Then it hit me. Barbaras biggest weakness wasnt her age, figure, or healthit was her tongue. Her need to lecture, criticise, nose into our lives, comment on everything from my curtains to how I chop carrots for stew.
So, I went to Waterstones and found the perfect thinga lovely hardback called The Art of Silence: How to Hold Your Tongue and Keep Family Close. Right under the title: A practical guide for those who love giving unsolicited advice. I nearly did a little victory jig right there.
To round it off, I picked up a gorgeous magnifying glass with a vintage-style handlelike something Poirot might have used.
The party was at a nice restaurant, with loads of family, friends, the works. Barbara was absolutely in her element, soaking up all the attention.
When it was our turn, James gave his polite speech and handed over a spa voucher from both of usbecause, well, were not animals; youve got to give a proper present. Then I handed her my own little bundle.
Barbara, this is just from me. Something special, for personal growth, I said, smiling sweetly.
She started unwrapping it slowly, milking the attentionand out comes the magnifying glass.
How lovelyan antique? But why do I need this? My eyesights still fine!
Oh, thats so you can spot peoples good qualities, not just their flaws, I replied, keeping my voice gentle.
The guests had a polite laughsome of them starting to catch on. Barbara tensed up a little but carried on unwrappingand then she got to the book.
She read the title once quietly, then again, almost as if she couldnt believe it:
The Art of Holding Ones Tongue
She looked straight at me.
Is this a book? she asked, her voice all strangled.
It is, Barbara, I said, nice and clear. You gave me such a thoughtful nudge on my birthday about working on my looks. I thought now that youre fifty-five, maybe its time to focus on the inner self and family harmony. Itll do you good just as that anti-wrinkle creams been so helpful for me.
Her cheeks actually went blotchy. But, of course, she couldnt make a sceneotherwise shed be proving the book right there and then. So she said, rather curtly:
Thank you. Very original.
Then she put the gift down like it was a hot coal.
Did we stop talking after? No, and there was no drama after the party, either. Instead, the whole game changed.
She realised, there and then, that it was a two-way street now. For every harmless little jab she had, Id have a comeback to make her think twice.
The first few weeks she only rang James, barely speaking to me but acting all formal and distant. But after a whilehonestly, it was almost miraculousthe unsolicited advice really did get less. No more comments about my weight or snide remarks about my cooking. And whenever I saw her winding up to say something helpful, Id just give her a long look and ask:
Barbara, hows that book going? Got to the tactfulness chapter yet?
And shed stop herself.
Those scales are now gathering dust in the loft, by the way. Ill admit I did end up using the anti-wrinkle creamon my feet! Honestly, my heels are softer than theyve ever been, so thanks, I suppose. And I spotted the book at her house the other day, on her bedside tablewith a bookmark about halfway through.
So yes, it works.
