Her Place
Mum, what are you doing?! Helens voice was on the verge of tears as she watched her mother flinging her simple belongings out of the wardrobe. Her favourite red polka dot dress was tossed carelessly onto the floor, instantly catching the attention of her little brother, Paul, who was sitting cross-legged nearby. Paul grabbed the end of the belt and stuffed it into his mouth. Dont, Paul! Give it back!
Oh, you and your old rag! Natalie hurled Helens jeans into the pile of clothes and slammed the wardrobe shut. Get out. Now.
But, Mum, where am I supposed to go? And at this hour? Why are you doing this?
Because I can! Its my house and youve got no place here!
And me? Isnt this my home too?
No, darling, it isnt! You dont own a single thing here! Natalie hoisted Paul onto her hip, wiping his nose with the corner of Helen’s dress. Not a single thing! Now stop winding me up! Ive just started rebuilding my life, and youre ruining everything. I wont let it happen!
What exactly am I ruining? Helens voice trembled.
Youre always fluttering around trying to get Victors attention, arent you? Natalie spat out.
Oh, Mum! Helen shouted, startling Paul, who began to wail. Do you even hear yourself?
Absolutely. Enough! I said what I said. Youve got five minutes to be out of this house!
With a loud kick, Natalie pushed open the door and marched out, leaving Helen frozen in place, confused and unable to grasp what had just happened. Shed been thrown out, hadnt she? Her thoughts wouldnt line up, leaping and tearing themselves to pieces before she could catch one. Pauls howling from behind the door finally shook her out of her shock. As usual, Helens first instinct was to run to him, calm him, and distract himanything to quiet his cries. Her mothers new husband couldnt stand crying; he hated the noise and anything to do with looking after a child. Helen, herself raised in a home full of love and care, couldnt understand what had happened to her mother. Rather than comforting Paul herself, Natalie always shoved the baby into Helens arms and left her to handle it.
Take care of him! Youre old enough, arent you?
Old enough Just yesterday she was still the pampered daughter, and today she was suddenly an outcast, as her mother liked to say. The past two years had flown by in a blur of upheavals, with Helen barely able to keep up.
First, her father died of a heart attack. It had been so unfair and senselesshe was young, not even fifty, and hed collapsed near a bus stop. He lay there for more than an hour, well-dressed and respectable, but nobody helped. People rushing past, maybe thinking he was drunk or just didnt care. When a kind woman finally touched his shoulder, it was already too late.
Helen remembered vividly how her mother reacted: frozen and silent, as if nothing touched her. Helen cried and begged her for comfort but could never break through. Natalie, dry-eyed, buried her husband and promptly shut herself in her room, forgetting all about her only daughter.
There were no relatives nearby, and her parents friends had long faded away, popping in only for major events. Helens parents had always taken pride in being a self-sufficient, close-knit family, and shed grown up believing she didnt need anyone else either. Even visitors used to irritate herwhy bother, when happiness seemed complete without them?
That lasted only until Helen began school. Her class had far more girls, and she was sat next to a lively, dark-haired girl named Lily. Lilys thick braids were so glossy and heavy she carried her head high like a little queen. Helen couldnt help feeling jealous, always struggling with her own light curls that never stayed plaited, no matter how her mother tried. The other pupils quickly dubbed her Dandelion.
After two days, Helen finally reached out to stroke one of Lilys braids when her new friend, annoyed, tossed them over her shoulder. Im going to cut them off. Even if Mum scolds me.
Are you mad? Theyre gorgeous, Helen whispered in awe.
That was the beginning of her friendship with Lily. Lily was the fourth daughter of the sprawling Williamson family, who lived in a rambling, lopsided house on the edge of town, occupying several plots. Helen had never seen so many people in one homeadults, children, grannies, even babies. Trying to remember everyone was hopeless, but she learned who Lilys mum was, a warm, welcoming woman whod sit anyone down at the kitchen table and feed them until they were stuffed. Helen met her friends siblings, all eager to help each other out, whether with algebra or cooking. Little girls in the household could whip up dough and bake cakes without fuss, while Helens own mother wouldnt let her near the kitchen, saying it was far too soon for that.
It dawned on Helen that having a big familyor even just more peoplearound wasnt such a bad thing after all. She didnt know, yet, that people you love can become strangers too. For now, she gazed in wonder at the mountain of presents Lily received on every possible occasion, not just her birthday. In the Williams household, there was always a reason to spoil the children, even on their great-aunts birthday. Lily would get new ribbons, sweets, a jumper.
Why? Its not your special day, Helen asked, watching Lily twirl in front of the mirror.
So what? You dont need a reason to treat people you love, Lily replied, giggling.
Helens own mother frowned at their friendship, and if shed ever seen the Williamson house, shed probably have forbidden Helen from going round. Luckily, Natalie worked long hours, so Helen only had to nip in after school for some soup and then dash off to Lilys, where she was greeted warmly and fed delicious pie. Helen treasured those visitsthey made her feel welcome and safe, like she belonged.
When Helens family unraveled, it was Lilys relatives who sent two of the older brothers to helptheir hands and support were the only reason arrangements for her fathers funeral were managed. Even when Natalie remained sullen and withdrawn, the Williamson boys took charge. Lily tried to comfort Helen, then finally just cried along with her, their tears landing in the dough as they baked together.
The next days, the Williamson brothers quietly accompanied Helen everywhere, helping with forms and support. Her mother ignored them, but Helen never forgot.
When Helen asked Lily why her family were so keen to help, Lily replied, Because youre one of us now. You need someone, and youve no men left at home.
Six months later, Lily was married off. Helen was speechlesshow could her friend want to marry so young?
Because thats just how we do things. Our parents prepare everything, and its my turn now, Lily said simply, packing away her veil. But Ill still go to university. My father and fiancé have already sorted it out.
Helen couldnt understand. How can you trust your parents to pick for you? What if you cant love him?
I trust that my parents want the best for me, Lily said with a sigh.
At the wedding, Helen almost cried but held out. When she heard Lily was moving to London to study medicineher new in-laws had already bought the flatshe sobbed uncontrollably.
How can I live without you?
Just come and visit if it all gets too much, Lily whispered.
Back home, Natalies new husband, Victor, had crept into their lives. Helen dreaded going home after college, worried about Victors glances and her mothers new sharpness, especially after Paul was born. Now, Helen had to lock her bedroom door, which only made Natalie angrier, as she expected Helen to look after the baby day and night, regardless of her studies. Helen loved her brother dearly but endless sleepless nights took their toll, and shed twice fainted from exhaustion at college.
She got a job at the hospital before she graduated, grateful for evening shifts just to avoid going home.
When Helen returned after saying goodbye to Lily, the long-standing animosity with her mother explodedthe row shed dreaded for months was upon them.
Natalie didnt want to hear reason. Then, when the neighbour, stroking Pauls cheek, said: Such lovely children youve got, Natalie. Helens growing into a beautiful young womanshe should start living her own life. Natalies face darkened. Two days later, she threw Helen out.
Now Helen was packing her bag, desperately wondering where to go. Where was her place in the world? She had no answer. She couldnt trouble Lily, not with a baby on the way and her studies. Helen grabbed a keepsake photo of her father, shoved it into her bag, and wiped her eyes. Maybe it really was time to goshed been only a stranger here for a long time.
The kitchen light spilled across the landing, the TV blaring. Natalie was cooking, pots clattering in irritation. Helen thought to say a final word but stopped short. What could she say? Every harsh thing had already been said. Could she really ever forgive what had just happened? Enoughits all changed, and Helen was nothing but an outsider here now.
Outside, it was already dark and Helen shivered, burying her nose in her scarf. Autumn had arrived late that year but made up for it by seizing hold without warning. She smiled recalling people bundled in coats and scarves while others clung to summer with bare legs and trainers. Now she was grateful for the warm scarf Lily had given her last Christmas, because the last thing she wanted was to go back for more clothes. The sting of rejection grew, sharp and bitter at the edges of her soul, but Helen pushed the feeling asideshe had decisions to make.
The bus stop was empty, a stray mongrel and the odd late-night passer-by the only company. Helen set her bag on the bench and slid her hands into her pockets.
A cars headlights startled her back, making her step away from the curb. Her heart racedbeing alone no longer felt safe.
Helen?
Arthur!
Relief washed over her; it was Lilys oldest brother, the one who used to help with algebra and who had helped at her dads funeral.
What are you doing out here so late? On your way to work?
No Well Actually, yes. The hospital. I need to get there.
Arthur eyed her bag, concerned. Whats really going on, Helen? Why do you have all your stuff?
Helen hesitated, but Arthurs warm gaze was too muchshe spilled the story of her mother, Victor, and her sudden homelessness.
All right, get in, Arthur instructed gently. Helen, after a moments hesitation, let him guide her to the car.
They drove in silence. Safe at last, Helen drifted almost instantly into a daze, reluctant to let calm slip away. She stared at the lights, her mothers words echoing: Theres no place for you here!
She only realised they werent heading to the hospital when Arthur turned into a quiet residential area.
Arthur, where are we going? I should be at work.
Were you planning to sleep in the on-call room?
Yes.
And then? Thats just for tonightwhat about after?
I havent figured that out
I have. Were going somewhere else.
Where?
Youll see.
They pulled up outside a tall block of flats behind ornate cast-iron gates. Security waved them in. Arthur led Helen up to the third floor and rang a bell.
After a pause, the door was opened by the tallest, broadest woman Helen had ever seen.
Grandma! Arthur exclaimed.
Arthur! What brings you round without a call?
On closer inspection, the woman wasnt quite so large, just tall and wrapped in loose clothes. She peered at Helen.
Oh! I know you. Lilys friend from the wedding, arent you? Dont stand there looking lost. Come in, loveany friend of Lilys is family here.
Helen stepped inside, enveloped by warmth. Marble floors gleamed under the chandeliers glittering crystals. Before shed finished taking it all in, Arthur murmured something to the older woman, who nodded, then slipped away with a wave.
Wheres he going? Helen asked, but the door had already closed, leaving her alone with Lilys grandmother.
Dont just stand in the hall, dear. Hang your coat. Well have a cuppa and youll tell me how a lovely girl like you ends up out on the street at this hour. Lost your home? Your mother?
Feels like I have Helens strength finally vanishedthe words broke her, and she collapsed onto a pouffe by the door, sobbing so bitterly that the woman paused, then wrapped Helen in strong, comforting arms.
Oh, my poor girl! What are the angels thinking? Itll all come right, see if it doesnt! I’ve seen more sorrow than I care to recall, but I promise you, youll get through. Lets go make some proper teayoull forget your troubles, at least for a while. Sometimes all you need is a little pause to carry on.
Helen drank strong tea in a beautiful, airy kitchen, the warmth and bitterness chasing away her tears for a while as Lilys grandmother talked on.
Call me Susan. Thats what they used to call me. I had sisters and a brother, a lovely home far from heremy place, back where my peoples graves are. I havent been in years and likely never will again, which pains me, but its not the worst pain.
What could be worse? slipped out of Helens mouth.
Susans voice darkened. Not being able to bury your own parents. We were driven from home, Helen. You know what its like when strangers say you cant stay, cant remember, cant even speak the language of your childhood? My father made a hiding place, squeezed us in, and when they came, he pressed a heavy oak dresser against the door to keep us safe. Love can do thata parents love is strong as steel. So remember that, when your own children come to you. Dont remember what your mother said tonight. Grief twists people inside out, love. Empties them, leaves just a shell, desperate for peace.
Did you really go through all that?
I did. But I wasnt alone. My siblings kept me going, the kindness of relatives, strangers. Thats where true strength comes from, Helen. From those around you who care.
Susan smiled, squeezing Helens hand. So now, my strength is yours. This is your place for as long as you need, until I can hand you over to a good man, like I did for my Lily. Dont cry now, mind meIve got plans for you! Youll learn how to cook, manage a home, just like my girls did. Youll carry my legacy, and Ill be proud.
Susans hearty laugh filled the kitchen, and even Helen couldnt help but giggle.
Two years on, Helens culinary skills had outdone even Lilys. One visit, Lily marvelled, Yours taste better than mine! Whats the secret?
Its all down to our Susanif it werent for her
Oh, dont shower me with praise! Susan teased, minding the kettle. Youll have me getting big-headed.
Helens intonations were so like Susan’s that Lily burst into laughter. Youve trained her up well!
Not yet, Susan answered, suddenly serious, exchanging a glance with Helen.
Whats going on? Lily asked, confused.
Helen hesitated, but finally admitted, Mums ill.
That bad?
Worse. She hasnt long. She was in my hospital, so I know everything.
You havent seen her? Lilys chair screeched as she jumped up.
No I cant bring myself
Helen! Youll regret it, you know? What if, one day, you want to go but shes already gone? And what about forgivingwill you get the chance?
Dont shout at me, Lily. I know, but I just cant. When I think back to what she did If Arthur hadnt been there, or Susan taken me in, where would I have ended up? Did Mum care then, choosing her bloke over me? And he left her anyway, when she got sickleft her and Paul.
Lily gasped. So wheres Paul now?
In care. I cant get him backnot enough money to rent a flat, not even with my extra shifts.
Cant you go back home?
Im not on the tenancy, and without the papers, I cant get Paul. I dont know what to do anymore Helen slumped, close to breaking.
If you worry about him, you need to go and see your mum. Not for her, for him! Lily said. You know what its like to have nobody. He shouldnt have to.
At last, Helen made peace with her mother, just two days before Natalieworn out by painpassed away, finally asking her daughters forgiveness. Helen cared for her to the end, running from office to office sorting papers, putting away the hurt for her brothers sake. When she looked into her mothers now-gentle eyes, the scene that returned wasnt the night of their fallout, but a morning from childhood: her glamorous young mother in a red polka dot dress, feeding her golden cherries, so sweet they tasted like happiness itself. In that moment, the only thing Helen could say, in a calm voice that restored her own peace, was: I forgive you, Mum.
She remembered what Susan always said: Let go of your grudges. Theyll eat you alive, make it impossible to see any joy in life. Letting go is hard, I know, but its more for you, not those you need to forgive.
A week later, Paul trotted into their flat, gripping Helens hand. He peered up at her, wide-eyed. Are we home for keeps now?
Yes, little man, Helen smiled. Were finally home. This is our place, do you see?
And Paul nodded so solemnly that Helen knew, for the first time, that everything was finally as it should be.
