RUINED CHILDREN
Youve ruined him, you know! You always give in, and now he walks all over you! Ellie, you cant go on like this. Youve completely spoiled the boy! Just as I did you, back in the day, I suppose. Really, theres no one to blame but myselfIm just as bad. Were all ruined children here! And dont you tell me youre an adult now! Youll always be just a child to me. Absolutely no sense, cant make a good decision to save your life! Mums words rattled and shook as she slammed the fridge door, making me jump. The magnetthe one with our family photoclattered to the tiled floor.
That photo was taken last summer at the seaside. Oddly enough, this year, I wasnt invited. For goodness knows how many years now, Id gone on holiday with the children, helping out with the grandchildren, making the most of the peace and making useful friends along the way. But not this time.
Mums reasons for refusing me seemed rather odd.
Mum, its just tight this year. So, were taking the kids on our own. Well sort a trip out for you a bit later. Start looking nowyou can go wherever you like, all right?
But Ellie! What about the children? Whos going to look after them?
Mum, Daniels practically grown up. He can look after anyone. And Eve will be with me. We cant afford that fancy hotel this time. Well just have to make do. Eve needs the sea, you know she wont even sniffle for half a year if she gets there. If we cant afford the proper hotel with all the entertainment, well go What did it used to be called? Roughing it, wasnt it? Well book a little flat or a house and do the looking after ourselves.
Of course, no space for me, is there!
Mum looked positively appalled at the prospect. The thought of toddling off alone to some grim retirement hotel with nothing but Dancing for the Over-60s as evening entertainment? And the clientelereally, not her sort. Nothing like a good hotel where the guests are mostly decent, a few foreign faces, and plenty to keep a smart woman occupied. Especially with my education, and my two languagessurely I ought to have the pick of opportunities.
But not this time
Really, Mum, you must understand! Its not just the accommodation, its the flights, the foodeverything.
You speak as if I eat you out of house and home! That was Mumoff on a proper roll.
Oh, for heavens sake, Mum! Why do I have to go through this with you every time? Theres just no money for all of us, you see? Id love to have you with us, but its not possible. The work on your flat, my health problems last year, Daniels tutorsit all cost a fortune. Were skint. What do you want from me? Should I cancel the whole thing? Or shall I just make sure the kids see the seaside? Im exhausted myself, you know the year Ive had! You saw it!
Yes! I saw it! I saw what a terrible mother youve become! You never have time for the children! Its all me and Simons mum. Picking up Eve from nursery, Daniel from school, feeding and watering them, sending them off to their clubs and lessons
Mum, dont exaggerate! Daniel gets to his own rugby training, you only take Eve to ballet, and its not even every week. And wed be fine without it, but you insistedsaid it was good for her development.
And now youre blaming me? Mums voice hit those shrill notes I know so well, hand pressed to her heart, as always. How ungrateful you all are! I work myself to the bone, and its never enough for you lot!
Mum, please I wanted to crumple, forehead pressed against the chilly glass. I do appreciate all you do. Dont throw it in my face, please?
She wouldnt hear another word, swept out in a huff, dumped her shopping bag with a new swimsuit in the middle of the lounge, and took great pride in sulking.
No one did a grand sulk like Mum. She could say exactly whod let her down without a single raised voice or scenejust disappear, not answer calls, ignore attempts at peace, then, eventually, let my call through and sigh dramatically at any kind question, faintly gasping, Ellie, my heartif it stops, or flutters and barely beats, what do you think that means?
Every time, I dropped everything, belted out to her cottage outside townher favoured retreat after a row to calm her soul. Id come back spent, keys thrown wearily on the table in the hall, collapse on my bedstill dressedand quietly cry, never really understanding how she could do this to me, her own daughter.
Daniel would peek in, gently drape a blanket over me, touch my shoulder and say, Mum, dont. Just dont go anymore. Grandmall sulk, then turn up here by herself.
Oh, DanielI wish I could be that sure
I remembered my mother like this for as long as I could remembersensitive, scathing, brilliantly articulate in two languages, well-read and mad about music, but so easily hurt. She could admonish me in English, French, or even use her old-school Latin for effect. For me, as a girl, there was no harsher punishment than her cold, quiet, Ellie, Id like you to think about your behaviour. Off you go, my love.
Never mind that that my love only appeared when her mood was foul.
Good moods were rare, though. Mum was one of lifes glass-half-empty folk. Her single favourite word? Inadequate. Colleagues, friends, my father, relatives, neighboursthey were all, on some level, never quite good enough.
Id always been sparedat least, for a while. When I was little, I was the clever and beautiful one. The child people cooed over, pointing at books and reading letters at three; at four, delicately playing piano, tilting my curly head to the keys and declaring, I hear music!
Plenty for Mum to be proud ofuntil it all went wrong in Year 6. I was the golden pupil, until one day I shocked everyone with a fail in English dictation. Mum simply didnt understand, began her how could you?! routine and sent me away before I could speak.
It was Gran who found me sobbing in the bathroom, trying to scrub stains from my skirt. Gran found out what had happenedthat my stomach had cramped up in class, and I was terrified, not knowing what it meant. Mum had never told me any of that growing-up business, and it hadnt occurred to me to ask. Id mostly been kept away from friends, and the proper girls Mum approved of certainly wouldnt discuss anything like that. Upbringing
Mum had it out with Gran afterwards, but nothing changedexcept for a prolonged migraine and her annoyed, Ellie! These things are for a girl to discuss with her mother alone!
But I didnt know
Next time, use your head! Thats what its there for!
I never understood quite what Id done wrong.
But that was the first tiny thread of doubt that crept into my neat picture of the worlda vague sense, only much later clear, that my mother was far from perfect, and all her talk about sacrificing everything for her child wasnt always how things played out.
My disappointments followed, and Mum didnt bother hiding her annoyance any longer. Shed march around the house with that infamous blue silk headband pulled tight around her foreheada supposed remedy for headaches, and a warning sign to me that some drama was ahead.
She never truly lost her temper, but would sink regally into her favourite chair and, with icy calm, say, Ellie! Youre destroying me
The how and why werent important. I was meant to know.
Wanting to be a doctor was just another issueMum insisted it was simply not the done thing.
You dont understand! I barely saw your father, and he was a surgeon. Thats no job for a woman, Ellie! Forget this foolishness!
But Gran said it was noble, and that Dad wanted to be a surgeon too.
Gran talks too much! Whats the end result, Ellie? Me, a widow! You, a girl who grew up without a father. He worked himself to death! You have to think of others, not just yourselfuse your head, for goodness sake!
Arguments like this went on and on, all the way until Id finished school and gotten into medical school regardless. Mum barely spoke to me for six months afterward.
Then came my choice of husbandMum had no time for Simon.
You astonish me, darling! Couldnt you do better? Im not talking about money! Youre totally different! Simon wouldnt recognise a single opera or novel if it hit him over the head!
Hes a good man, Mum and most importantly, he loves me.
Youll learn that love alone doesnt last. I hope you find out in time!
At our wedding, Mum was a picture of tragic dignity, dabbing her mascarad eyes, sighing heavily to anyone who would listen: Itll be difficult for themyoung, inexperienced. But Im a mothermy place is at their side!
Thankfully, it was at my wedding that Mum met George Palmer, Simons distant cousina retired colonel, with impeccable manners and enough French to impress.
My mother was a diplomats daughterlived in Paris for years.
How delightful!
He recited poetry, was neat and orderly, owned a spacious, beautifully kept cottage near Oxford. Mum fell for him, softened (a little), and welcomed the birth of our son and daughter with something almost like joy.
Ellie, what angelic children! Daniels the image of his grandfather! And Evewhat a beauty! Shell grow up a heartbreaker!
I didnt argue.
Despite Mums dire warnings, Simon and I were happy. He built a respectful, if wary, relationship with Mum, and worked hard. She hated the idea of our mortgage, but Simon stood firm: Your flat is yours; we want our own house. Even Mum had to admit he wasnt the hopeless case shed feared. I returned to workand her help with the children was invaluable.
But happiness is fragile. George fell ill and, though we did everything, he passed away, leaving Mum devastated all over again.
Oh, George! How could you leave me like this? Her bitterness lingered longnow she laid white carnations on two graves, and for the living she became insufferable.
I tried to fill the gap: holidays, weekends, family occasionsMum was always included. Im part of the family! How would Ellie cope with two children if I werent here?
But as Daniel grew up, the endless supervision grated. He loved Mum, but her constant picking drove him mad.
Daniel! Not that music again! I told you, that racket overheats my nerves! How can you listen to such noise?
On went the silk headbandbut Daniel didnt care the way I used to. He refused to complain, preferring to settle things his own way.
Eve! Come herewere singing and dancing!
Mum would be horrified when she found them bopping round to some pop band, threatening, Ill call your mother!
Best call Dad, GrannyMums phones off in surgery, remember?
Simon would drive Mum back after visits, singing along with Daniel at full volume as soon as they got home.
Daniels love of music grew. Simon and I bought him a guitar, despite Mums outrage.
Elliedont you lot want me around anymore?
Mum, what are you talking about?
I cant bear this! The boy should be studying, not messing about!
But hes doing well in school, and you know it! Isnt it good for kids to develop all round, as you used to say?
I meant something else entirely, and you know it! Oh, Ellie! Youre doing it again
The rows went on for days. Simon backed me up, and eventually, Mum stopped answering calls, didnt open her doorI no longer had a key; shed demanded it back after losing hers.
This time, Id had enough. As I washed up on my day off, I dropped my favourite mugthe one Daniel gave me for Mothers Day. It shattered. I dont know why, but that was the final straw. I loved Mum; I always will, but I had to stop letting her hurt us.
Daniel! My shout echoed up the stairs. He appeared quickly, realising I was upseta rare thing.
Here, Mum!
Have you chosen your guitar?
Am I allowed? The excitement in his eyes made me blink.
Not only allowedencouraged! Which one?
A red bass! Do you mean it?
Absolutelyone hundred percent, right?
Thats what I say! But what will Gran think?
That were ruined children but never mind. Get readywere going shopping!
Should I tell Eve? Shell want to help choose!
Watching him run off, I thought againhes such a good boy; what other teenager would take his little sister guitar shopping just for the company?
We bought the guitar. Soon, Daniels room was a music studio, his band rehearsing with gear bought by Simon and the other parents. Their first little videoeven six-year-old Eve singing backupwent viral. It was worth the battles.
Evenings now, after hard days at the hospital, Id come home, arms full of my children and their dreams, and know wed got things right at last.
Mum waited. She dusted, cooked, and waited for my apology as always. But days and weeks passed, and I didnt come.
She didnt understand. Then she ragedswearing this time I wouldnt get off so easily. Then, slowly, she realised. I wasnt comingnot unless she changed too. Shed spent her life convinced the world should bend to her will, and, if shed been anyone else, shed have written me off. But as hard as she tried to insist, she loved me, in her way.
Two months slipped by. Eventually, she knewit was her turn, too. She could sit there, nursing her pride, till the day came when I was the one buying white carnations. What good would that do?
Her teacup rattled onto its saucer; a moment later, she was out the drive, heading for our small estate on the edge of town.
She sat in her car at our gate, nerves jangling. For the first time ever, shed have to be the one to take the first step, setting pride aside, deliberately seeking peace. She almost backed off several times.
But when she came in through the open door, heard the thunder of drums and guitars, and saw me dancing madly round the kitchen, singing along to some silly pop chorus, she just deflated.
Come on, Mum! said Eve, all excited. Help uslets film a video together!
I poured orange juice, handed Eve two glassesHere, take these up for the boys. They must be parched.
As I turned towards the stairs, I saw Mum standing on the threshold. Time frozejust for a secondwhile we both waited to see whod speak first.
Eve fluttered, ready to say something, but I beat her to it: Mum, hello! Can you keep an eye on the meat? Well eat soon. The chaps are finishing rehearsal. Are you hungry?
She nodded, slipping off her mac.
Yesstarving.
Good! Eve, dont just stand theresurely you remember what Gran looks like?
Eve grinned. Of course! Gran, Ive given up dance! Mums let me start at music school. Daniel says Im good!
Mums eyes watered. She crouched and grabbed the juice glasses. Ill bring these upmust see this guitar of Daniels. Is it pretty?
Very! Its bright red! I helped choose! Come onIll show you!
Eve bounded off upstairs. I nodded at Mum.
Well? Go on up, Mum. The hardest bits done.
And she did. Up to Daniels room, where he gave her a serious, adult nod, showing off his guitar.
Something shifted that day.
Not everything (it never does)character doesnt change overnight. There will be plenty more arguments and misunderstandings. Sometimes Ill sigh at Mums pointed comments; sometimes shell fret over where she went wrong with me.
But this family learnt one thing, finally and forever: if you want people to listen, you must learn to listen yourself. Only then does everything settle into placeand your dearest ones stay close.
And reallywhat more could you possibly want?
