Without Fault, at Fault
You take your daughter and go. Theres nothing left between us!
But, Simon…
Ive said enough! And I never want to see you again!
The door slammed, and I felt myself reel. The room spun, a ringing in my ears rising until I thought I heard my mothers voice, distant yet clear: Dont you dare!
It was enough to steady me. I drew a shaky breath, took a cautious step, then another, before sinking into the kitchen chair, digging my nails into my palms. The bite of pain pulled me back from the fog that threatened to swallow me whole.
No, I told myself, I mustnt fall apart. Theres no sinking into despair, no matter how much I longed for it right then.
I mustnt! I have Emily! Andno, better not even go there yet. First, I needed to pull myself together and try to make sense of what just happened.
What couldve made Simon turn on me so suddenly? Why did he cast me out? Everything had been fine only yesterday… hadnt it?
Or was it?
My head finally started to work and I placed my hands, palms up, on the table.
Right. What did Mum always tell me? When you dont know what to doanalyse! Break it down, one step at a time, counting off your fingers. Or, better yet, grab a pencil and jot it all down.
But my notepad and pencils were in the sitting room, and Emily was sleeping in there…
My daughter always slept lightly, and I had no wish to wake her now. Shed fuss and cry, and any chance of sorting through the mess in my head would be lost.
I had to make do with what I had.
I stared at my hands, curling them into fists. My nails, long neglectedwho had time for manicures now?the rough skin, the freckles that burst out every time I spent too long in the garden under the English sun. Who wouldve thought Id get so caught up in running the house, forgetting everything Mum had taught me.
Ellen, youre a woman!
No! Im only a little girl!
Thats for now. But soon, youll be grown. First a young lady, then a woman. Like I am. And women must never let themselves go, under any circumstances! Manicured nails, pedicured feet, tidy hair! Hands cared for! Thatll say far more about you than any fancy clothes. No sense wearing jewels if you havent washed behind your ears in a week, you hear?
Yes, Mum. Eight-year-old me, smearing Mums lipstick in front of the mirror.
And thats enough of that, little miss! shed laugh, taking the tube away. That shades not for you! And youre far too young for makeup. In good time! Youre beautiful as you are. Lets wait until youve grown.
But Mum
Thats enough. Ive said it.
When Mum said shed had enough, I knew there was no point arguing. She always meant what she said.
Always.
Ellen, I need to go away for a while. Youll stay with Granny for now. It has to be this way.
Mum, will it be long? I asked, turning ten only the day before, clutching at my dress hem, fighting not to burst into tears.
Six months. Its a great job, but its way up North! And I cant take you thereit wouldnt be right for you. Its better for you to stay here with Granny. Shell look after you, and Ill call and send letters.
Please dont go, Mum…
Of course, I broke down then. Mum tried to soothe me, then lost patience herself.
Thats enough, Ellen! There isnt another way. If I dont take this job now, well never be able to get our own place! I want you to have your own room, for us to be able to holiday by the sea! If your father was still with us, Id never leavebut as it is, Im all the family youve got! You and Granny too!
But youve got Aunt Laura! I protested, refusing to listen.
Shes struggling herself right now, Ellen. She needs help too!
Well, help me! Stay! It slipped out, and for the first time, I saw a hard edge in Mums eyes.
Ellen! Mums tone could freeze water. It isnt right to always think only of yourself! If you dont look out for others, you cant expect anyone to look out for you when it matters most. Right now, Im thinking of you first. I want you to be safe and want for nothing. Her voice softened and she drew me close. I promise, just this once, Ill be away. Hang on, my love. Its just the way things are.
I had no choice but to nod, agreeing despite the sharp ache deep in my chest.
I wrote to Mum, and every Sunday, clutching the phone, shouted how much I missed her. I missed her so much I even turned down my favourite ice cream now and then. Time itself stopped moving. When Granny announced we were off to meet Mum at the airport, I wept so much they had to ring for a taxithere was no calming me down.
Mum kept her word. She never went away that long again. There were the odd overnight work trips, but it was never the same as before.
We moved from Dads old, tiny flat to a larger place, and for the first time I had my very own room. It was meant to be wonderful, but I hardly spent any time there. Id sweep my schoolbooks and homework off the desk and head straight to the kitchen to wait for Mum to get back from work. Wed spend the evenings side by side, sometimes in easy silence, especially if Mum had brought paperwork home.
It was simply good, being together.
Remarkably, we sidestepped most of the usual teenage dramas. There were hardly any rows or shouting, thanks to Mums endless patience and tactsometimes, years later, I marvelled at the well of love in that fragile woman who had no one to lean on. Granny had passed on by then, and it was just me and Mum in the world.
She hardly spoke to her sister, Laura.
I never pressed as to why. Once, I asked, and Mum answered plainly and thoroughly.
You can forgive and understand anythingexcept betrayal.
What did Aunt Laura do?
She let our mother down. Your granny wanted to see her, to say her goodbyes. But Laura never came…
Why not?
She thought Id ask her to stay and help care for Granny. Which would have been fairshe was family too. But she didnt want to say she couldnt bear to see Mum like that. Couldnt handle feeding her with a spoon like a baby, or washing herwatching the mind fade away from the woman whod been the rock for us all…
And you could? I demanded.
I couldnt, not really. Mum met my gaze, lips trembling so I instinctively reached to comfort her. I didnt want to. But there was no other choice, Ellen. She was my mum. And I had to make sure she left us peacefully, surrounded by those she lovedeven if she couldnt recognise us anymore…
Is that why you only let me in to see Granny for a few minutes a day?
Yes. I wanted you to remember her how she was.
I dont remember much of those last days, I admitted. But I remember how she taught me to make strawberry jam, and to skim off the foamset it carefully on a saucer, and eat it with the tiniest spoon. Thats so much nicer…
Yes, Laura and I did that as children…
I dont get it! Granny raised you both the same, loved and cared for you. How did you turn out so different?
That happens, Ellen. Granny always worried about Laurashe was so often ill as a child. Maybe Granny thought she had to shelter her from everything. Who knows…
Did it work?
What?
Sheltering her?
No. You know as well as I do how Lauras lifes gone: two marriages, three children, all of it painful, like shes living for someone else. I cant say whether Mum was right to cosset herbut watching that, I learned what not to do with you.
You mean, you think you shouldnt shield your children from everything?
No, not quite! You must help your childits only right. But theres no point putting them under a glass dome and trying to live twice for them. Thats not how life works, Ellen! Ups and downs, bumps and bruisesyou learn best from your own mistakes. Watching Laura, I realised: if Granny hadnt padded the ground with feathers, Laura might have stumbled hard but learned to stand. I dont know, maybe things would be different. What I can tell you is thisIll always help you when you need it. But dont ask me to solve everything for you, start to finish. If you hit troublesit, think it through! Cant manage, Ill be right here. Always…understand?”
Yes, Mum…
And now, I sat counting off on my fingers, trying to see where it all started to go wrong.
Yesterday, wed celebrated Simons birthday. Nothing big, just close family. Thankfully, it was summer, and in the spacious house wed only settled into last year, there was room for everyone.
Mum came, as did Simons mother, along with his sister, Jane, her husband, and their children.
Emily, thrilled to have cousins to play with, darted about the garden, peppering me with questions:
When are they coming? Will they swim in the paddling pool with me? Will we?
Endless questions, until I stopped even trying to answer. Shed ask and answer herself, tidying her room to make it nice for guests, Mum!
Simon headed to the market, and the kitchen was a whirlwind of activity. Mum helped me, checking in on how I was feeling.
Mum! Why are you fussing so much? Everythings fine! I finally snapped.
You seem, well, different, darling. How far along are you?
And then I realised the secret Id been keeping, even from myself, was now out. I felt lighter than air and burst out laughing, hugging Mum.
Its early. Just three weeks. I havent even told Simon. How do you know?
Youre glowing… You did with Emily too.
Mum, Im scared…
What for, silly? Everythings fine, isnt it?
I dont know… Theres just this knot in my chest. Simons been brooding. I cant read him lately…
Have you asked?
He wont talk!
Then youre not asking right, love!
Mum!
What? Its true! If your husbands sulking for no reason, its up to you to confront himfind out whats wrong. Let a loved one drift, theyll find someone else to talk to. Who knows how that conversation will end…”
That was it! I marked another finger. Everything started from that talkmy doubts had seemed so faint, Id brushed them aside until Mum insisted I talk to Simon.
I never got the chance. The party, then the clear-up. I didnt find a minute to take Simons hand and ask what was wrong.
And then, those words: Take your daughter!
What was he even on about?
I clenched my fists. No, this time, Id handle things right. Like Mum taught me. First thingtalk to my husband. Enough mystery!
Simon was backing the car out when I ran out the front door, bellowing so loudly the sparrows scattered from the hedges.
Stop!
I jumped the step, running to the gate.
Simon stared at me, mouth open, as I stood firmly in front of the bonnet, hands planted on the hood.
Move, he said, his voice dull, but I heard what I neededhe didnt really want to leave or abandon us. I was right.
Out! Were talking. Now. Before Emily wakes up! What the hell is going on? Where did you get this nonsense? Im your wife or just some stranger off the street?
My voice rose. Simons face twisted inwards.
Would I really shout like this if I didnt care, as Jane had said? If I was waiting for him to give me my freedom? Didnt I want Emilys dad to be around?
He got out, glowering.
You know exactly why Im doing this!
If I knew, I wouldnt be asking! Simon, whats happening? Youve been off for weeks! Today you lost it completely! What did you just call Emilymy daughter? Who is she to you, then?
I dont know! Simon snapped, finally meeting my gaze. You tell me! Whos her father? Why does my own child meet a strange man in town in secret?
What utter rubbish! I stared at him in disbelief. Have you lost your mind?
Who do you meet when you take Emily for her lessons in town?
For a moment, I could barely breathe from outrage. But I pulled myself together.
So thats it… And who opened your eyes? Mum? Or your wonderful sister?
Not Mum!
Oh, of course. Janes work!
So what? Shouldnt she tell me what shes seen? Im her brother!
And Im your wife! I felt a wave of anger crash over me. Youll listen to anyone but me! Believe anyone but me! That it?
You lied to me.
I did? When?
Whos that man you and Emily walk with in the park twice a week? Tell me that!
I gasped and shook my head.
I told you, Simon! You just didnt listen! When we got home the other week, you were busy with footballsome Champions League match or something. I mentioned Id run into my old classmate, Philip. Hes recently moved back; his mothers very ill. He asked me for the name of the doctor Granny had. We met a few times so he could ask advice. If Jane had looked closer, shed have seen we werent alonemy mother was with us! Do you really think Id meet a lover with my own mother with me? Shed never have forgiven it. Sometimes, I think my mother respects you more than me! Shes always thought highly of you, Simonbut you…
I waved him off, wiping my nose.
No, not nowI would not cry.
Wait. So youre saying…
Ive told you everything, Simon. My stare mustve made him take a step back. You chose to believe a spiteful tale. Just like that, you threw aside everything we share, smeared my love and our daughter in the dirt. Do you realise what youve done? I dont know why Jane invented this nonsense. I dont even care. But your actionsthats on you, Simon. You want a DNA test? Fine! Well do it, so youll see with your own eyes that Emily, who looks at the world with your eyes, is yours.
I listened for Emily, sighing.
Shes awake.
I turned and went back into the house, leaving Simon standing there, bewildered.
A moment later, I heard the car finally drive away.
Emily babbled, wrapping her arms round me, wanting attention, while I felt sick to my core. Why did this happen? What did I do wrong? What on earth nowcall Mum? Tell her the lot? Or take a pause, think things through?
Mums voice echoed in my head: Never tell me about rows with Simon unless youre absolutely sure its over. If that day comes, call meany time, day or night. Ill come running. Otherwisekeep quiet. Youll make up, and Ill never forgive him for hurting my child.
I toyed with my phone, then set it aside. Not yet. Simon needed to know he was to be a dad again. After, Id decide what came next.
Making the decision calmed me. By the time Simons car screeched at the drive, I was steady.
I was feeding Emily in the kitchen when Simon burst in, dragging Jane by the arm.
Go on, Jane! Ellen, where are you?
In here, I said, glancing at Emily, then realising a row ahead was hardly what she should see.
Ems, have you finished? Go to my room, put your cartoons on. Can you do that?
Sure! She pushed away her veg and zipped off. Hi Dad! Hi Aunt Jane! Mummy said I can watch TV!
Her cheerful little voice calmed the adults just enough. Simon let go of Jane; I stepped in quickly, hoping to stop further madness.
Go on, Em! Ill be up in a minute!
No rush, Mum! she said brightly, grinning at Jane, and vanished upstairs.
The conversation that followed was tough. Jane cried, Simon raged, and I, truth told, didnt even know how to react to my sister-in-laws confession…
I thought you were lying, Ellen! Dont you see? So many families are just like thishusbands taken for fools, wives play them. Ive heard enough from my friends to trust nobody anymore!
So you thought I was like them? Tell me, Janedo you cheat on your husband? Are your kids really his?
Jane hiccuped, too shocked even to cry.
What are you saying?
What are you saying, Jane? What were you thinkingcoming out with something so mad? Im not even talking about Simon. Of course he believed you; who else would he trust? But you abused that trust. Why?
I dont know… Jane stared at her shoes, no longer trying to hide her tears. I really thought I was protecting him…
From me? Did it work?
I shrugged and turned to Simon. Sorted now? Any more questions?
Ellen
No, Simon. Dont. Im angry now, and I need time to figure out what to do next. Jane, I cant have you in my house for the time being. I think you know why.
Im sorry, Ellen…
Perhaps Ill forgive you, perhaps not. For nowyou should both go. I stood, opening the hall door, nodding at Simon. That goes for you, too. You understand.
Ill forgive Simoneventually. But only in my own time. No one, except Jane, will ever know what passed between us. Sometimes, you have to keep your troubles in the family; for that, Ill always be grateful to Mum.
Later, Mum will hold her newborn grandson, cooing as Simons mum declares the boy the spitting image of his father, and Mum will smile at me from the corner of her mouth.
Youve grown so wise, Ellen. Youve become a wonderful wife and mother.
Really?
Have I ever lied to you?
Mumwhats that mean, wise? You called me that, but I dont see it myself…
Darling, a womans wisdom is in keeping what life gives her safe. Her children, her family, her home, her friends… She draws them together, cares for them, makes sure everyone feels warm and welcome. Its hardalways thinking whats worth keeping and what needs letting go. Sometimes, you have to toss what spoils the rest. I think youve learned that lesson.
You think?
I know. Oh, and by the wayPhilip called. Hes getting married next month, sent you and Simon an invitation.
Mum…
No objections! Ill watch the children for you. But please, for me, would you do one thing?
What, Mum?
Get your nails done properly, will you?
All right!
Ill hug Mum, nod to Simon and Janewholl hover awkwardly at the edge of the next gatheringand wink at Emily.
Come help me settle your baby brother.
Can I? Emily will beam, fingers brushing her baby brothers tiny fist.
You must, darling, you must…Emily giggled, cradling her brother in her arms as if the world had always held this peace. Simon hovered in the doorway, uncertain, but our eyes met across the rooma flicker, an understanding. Faults laid bare and wounds still mending, we were learning, again and again, what it meant to begin.
Outside, the garden shimmered in the late afternoon sun, laughter and voices drifting through the open window. Jane was there too, her smile tentative as she helped Mum set out cakes, the past between us not gone, but not quite so heavy now.
I watched my familya little bruised, a little wiser, together still. Maybe perfect was never the goal. Maybe it was this: falling apart, piecing things back, loving fiercely through the faults and silences.
I took Emilys hand in mine, her nails bright with fresh polish, and traced a gentle circle on her palm, the way Mum once did for me. She looked up and grinned, everything forgiven in her eyes.
Ready, darling?
Yes, Mum. Ready.
And for the first time, so was I.
