Many young daughters-in-law in England endure silent struggles with their mothers-in-law, with no one truly to confide in.
Our first wedding anniversary is almost upon us. My relationship with my mother-in-law remains unsteadya truce of misunderstandings, far from perfect, to say the least.
Before our wedding, I asked my husband repeatedly to introduce me to his mother. He already knew mine, after all. But every time I brought it up, he found a reason to postponethe timing wasnt right, or his mother was supposedly too busy, or some other excuse cropped up. Youll have plenty of time to get to know each other, he said, dismissing my concerns. In the end, I first met her on our wedding day. That meeting was painfully awkwarda bright and genuine Good morning! from me, met with a clipped and cool Morning, gritted through her teeth.
My husband always described his mother as wonderful, open-minded even. I told him oncequietlythat I worried she might interfere in our life, as Id seen happen in other families. But he reassured me that his mother was nothing like that. Hed always insisted hed choose his own wife, start his own family, and that his mother would never judge his choice or lecture him about life. Days after the wedding, he arrived home from work, sitting in the kitchen with a cup of tea, looking distant and troubled. I asked what was bothering him. His answer blindsided me:
I think my mum might not like you.
It turned out she was bothered by how I didnt scrub eggs with baking soda before using them, or that I sometimes left dishes in the sink because it was convenient, or kept the washing-up sponge resting right on the sink instead of a dish. She minded I made stock in a single boil, not two. The list went on. I was stunnedutterly speechless.
I pressed him, Why on earth should she have a problem with me? You and I have our own family now. She doesnt even live with us.
But Im her son, he retorted, and Im used to living her way. So you need to do things as she would.
I tried to protest, saying my kitchen was different, that things in our house would be done differently. But he merely insisted that from now on, wed live by new rules and Id better get used to it.
Four months passed relatively peacefully. When I met my mother-in-law, shed smile politely, ask about my work, our married life, how much her son helped around the house. Then we got a dog. Within a week, half of the neighbourhood seemed to know that I didnt cook bones and meat for the dog. That I was daft to be feeding him raw food. That my poor mother-in-law couldnt bear such a careless daughter-in-law. Apparently, I was utterly useless!
I hadnt even realised quite how useless I was, until that morning a friend in the park mentioned it while I was walking the dog. Hearing gossip about myself from a stranger stung. When I told my husband, he just laughed and told me to ignore it, that it didnt matter. Now my mother-in-law looks at me with resentment. Im always polite, but I never receive anything warmer than a curt, lukewarm hello in response.
My husband seems to think I lack respect for his motherthat I wont accept the way their family does things, or even try to befriend her. Sometimes I wonder if she only cares about… our dog. His parents have even started popping over for a cup of tea without so much as a call.
But the hardest times are still aheadsoon, well need to move in with his parents for a while. I shudder to think how that will go. And what if we have a child? I can already imagine the neighbours gabbing about how I feed and bathe him. Sometimes I think I may have to return to my own parents house. I doubt my mother-in-law would ever let me live in peace in her sons home.
