Many young daughters-in-law in England struggle with their in-laws and have no one to turn to.
Our first wedding anniversary is just around the corner, and things with my mother-in-law are still awkward. Were more like strangers than family, and theres certainly nothing perfect about it.
I asked my husband to introduce me to his mother before the wedding since hed already met my parents. But he kept putting it off: he was busy, or his mum had things on, or something else came up. Youll get to know each other in time, he said. In the end, we finally met on our wedding day. The encounter couldnt have been more formal: I greeted her with a warm, genuine Good morning! and she replied through clenched teeth, Good morning.
My husband had always said his mum was lovely and very understanding. But Id confided once that I worried she might meddle in our livesas Id seen it happen with other families. He reassured me shed never be that way. Hed always insisted he would choose his own wife and build a family with her, and his mother would never criticise his choice or try to run our household. But just days after the wedding, he came home from work, sat quietly at the kitchen table sipping tea, looking deep in thought. I asked what was on his mind, and his answer surprised me:
I think my mum might not be too fond of you.
It turned out my mother-in-law wasnt impressed that I didnt wash eggs in baking soda before cooking, or that I sometimes left dishes in the sink for convenience. She disapproved of me leaving the washing-up sponge on the sink, not on a separate dish. And I made stock all in one go instead of changing the water halfway through. The list went on. I was truly stunned!
I asked my husband, But why? We have our own family now. She doesnt live with us.
But Im her son! he said. I grew up a certain way because of her, and you should do things the way she does them.
I protested that its my kitchen and my home, so I should be able to do things my way. But my husband insisted, from now on, wed live according to a new set of rulesand Id better get used to it.
For four months things went smoothly. When we saw my mother-in-law, she smiled and politely asked about my work, our home life, and whether her son was helping around the house. Then, when we got a dog, within about a week everyone in our village seemed to know that I didnt bother boiling bones or meat for the dog, just gave him raw food. That my poor mother-in-law had to cope with such a careless daughter-in-law. Suddenly, I was made out to be useless!
I didnt even know I was considered so hopeless until a friend I walk the dog with told me what was being said. It was horrible to hear such things from a near stranger. I told my husband and asked him to have a word with his mum. He just laughed it off and told me to forget about it. Now my mother-in-laws gone cold towards me. Im always polite, but all she gives me is a curt hello.
My husband insists that I dont respect his mum, because I wont accept her way of running a home, or try harder to get close to her. The truth is, what she really wants is our dog. By the way, his parents often come over for a cup of tea without even asking first.
And things are set to get even trickier, because soon well need to stay at their place for a while. I cant imagine how Ill cope living there. I dread to think whatll happen if we have a babyno doubt the whole neighbourhood will hear about how I feed and bathe the child. Sometimes I think Ill have no choice but to go back to my parents house. I really doubt my mother-in-law would ever let me live in peace under her roof.
