Oh, let me tell you this story from when I was littleback then, I had this huge, bright dream that filled my mind every day. I wanted nothing more than to become a mum. So when I finally found out I was pregnant, I counted down the days until I could hold my baby for the first time.
As soon as my contractions started, I was whisked off to St Thomas Hospital in London. The hours blurred by, and then I had a beautiful baby boy. Honestly, I was over the mooncouldnt stop beaming. Later that afternoon, the midwife brought him to me. He was so tiny, with this perfect little nose and these piercing grey eyes. Suddenly, it was just the two of us. I just stared at him in awe. I tried to wrap him up, but it probably took me ten minutes. Id never held a newborn before, and I was terrified Id hurt him.
I gently tugged at the ends of his swaddling blanket. Thats when I first saw his little legshe looked completely different to how Id pictured him. But he was sleeping so peacefully. I stroked his tiny feet, kissed his soft belly, and then pulled him close to my chest. The smell of him was just unforgettableit was the distinct scent of my son.
But suddenly, this odd feeling came over melike my calm had disappeared into thin air. Random doubts crept into my mind. He didnt smell quite the way Id expected. For a moment, it felt like I was holding someone elses child.
Part of me wanted to just put him down and walk out of the ward, never to return. But how could I possibly leave this helpless baby? He needed someone to care for himhe needed me. Id waited so long for this moment, dreaming of it for two years.
Honestly, that postnatal ward felt bleak and cold. I called for a nurse, tried to change his nappy, but just fumbled around. Feeding him was even harderhe wouldnt latch on. He opened his eyes at one point, looking straight at me, though I knew he couldnt quite focus yet. It really felt like he was trying to figure out who I was. When I pressed him closer, his little hand slipped onto my shoulderwarm and gentle. In that moment, all my worries melted away. My boy was cozy in my arms, fast asleep.
That was itmy dream had finally come true. I was a mum at last.
