Do you remember, Alice
Id gotten used to peeking through their window; they lived on the ground floor, so it was easy enough. At first, everyone wanted a flat higher up, but we settled in soon enough. Nobody was happier than Grandma she didnt have to climb a single flight of stairs.
On Saturdays, Alices Gran, Mrs Margaret Hayes, would bake pies, crumpets, or something else, always filling the air with a warm, delicious smell. The scent drifted out the kitchen window, teasing us boys playing football outside. Tom always approached the window like it was his own. Not the kitchen window though; he would slip around to the other side of the house, grab an old wooden crate lying in the long grass, stand on it, and peer in at Alice. It was as if she knew he was about to appear; shed dash over when she heard him scrabbling up.
Ill bring out some pies, Gran made them, shed say, her pink ribbon slipping out of her blond hair, fluttering as she hurried.
Tastes great, Tom said, gobbling, peering into the room. Did you do your English homework already?
Yep, finished it, she replied.
Mind if I copy?
Alice would gladly pass him her notebook. Just dont forget to give it back before class tomorrow.
Tom wasnt a bad student just lazy, like most boys, though clever. He got maths easily, but running around the estate took his time away from homework. Back in the nineties, before mobile phones took over, we would stay outside well past sunset, not wanting to go home.
In Year Eight, Tom carried Alices school bag for the first time, swinging it as he rambled about a new film. By Year Nine, a delicate, brown-eyed girlSophiehad, by general agreement among us boys, become the prettiest in school. Tom was smitten. He couldnt take his eyes off her, following her home every day. Alice thought it would pass. Now, she waited for himeither seeing him off or hanging by the window, expecting his tap and, Alice, let me copy.
Sophie kept a distance but somehow bound Tom to her tightly. He bounced between Sophie, who sometimes liked him and sometimes didnt, and Alice, who was always there.
Tom still peered through Alices window, and shed set a mug of tea and maybe biscuits on the sill if there were no pies.
Our team played today, hed announcemeaning football, of course. Alice knew, being on top of everything Tom cared about. She watched matches, read sports news, even joined him watching horror movies she secretly hatedjust so shed always have something to chat about.
Alice supported Tom like a mate, in everything. He came to her as a friendone whod help, listen, understand. While Sophie Tom admired her, thought about her, pined and even complained to Alice that Victor had walked Sophie home.
After school, all three went their separate waysdifferent universities. Tom no longer came to copy homework, but chased Sophie everywhere, dropping in on Alice sometimes just out of habit. Now and then, theyd go to the cinema, Tom rambling non-stop, needing someone to unburden to.
Alice, my birthdays this Saturday. I want you to come. Will you? she asked, her grey, loving eyes fixed on him.
He hesitated. Saturday? Yeah, actually, I can. Sure, Ill be there. Who else?
Family, Gran, Vera and Adam, Oliviayou know, the usual.
Alright then. Ill drop by.
Saturday came and wentTom didnt come. He appeared a week later, gloomy and dejected.
Alice, whats wrong? You look so sad.
He confessed Sophie had gone on work experience and hadnt even told him she was leaving. Alice comforted him (though it cost her). I waited for you on Saturday, she said.
Saturday? What was Saturday?
It was my birthday
Oh! he smacked his forehead, Alice, I completely forgot. You wont hold it against me, right?
No, of course not. It happens.
He stood by the window. Do you remember, back in summer, youd feed me pies? You kept a crate under the window, Id hop on it, and tea with jam was already set out on the sill.
Alice smiled, the memory warmed her heart, and it felt nice that Tom remembered. Together, they chatted easily, recalling their old estate crew, classmates, how once theyd skipped lessons and the headteacher had caught them sitting on a bench in the park, promptly sending them back to history class.
By her final year, Tom was ecstatic: Sophie had agreed to marry him. He brought the news to Alice. She bit her lip, holding back tears, listened quietly, still just the friend he could confide in.
Alice cried over him for a month, cursing herself for never telling him she loved him all those years.
Later, he showed up. Gran and her parents were out. The house was oddly still, Alice wrapped in an old throw, watching TV. At first, she couldnt believe Toms voice was at the door.
She opened it, seeing him looking lost, defeated, shoulder to the wall. What happened? she asked, alarmed.
He walked in and sat in her room. He looked on the verge of tears. Tom, please, whats happened? Tell me.
She theres no wedding. She told me she loves someone else. Alice had never seen him so crushed. She moved close, laid her hands on his shoulders. Tom, calm down, please Maybe things will work out.
Its over, shes taken back the paperwork its finished, tears shone in his eyes. He dropped his head onto her lap, slid off the sofa and buried his face in Alices dress. This is impossible, Alice, impossible
Tom, my dear, please, calm down. Ill make you some mint tea remember how we used to drink tea on the sill?
I remember, Alice, youre the only one who understands me. Youre lovely, he began kissing her knees, first hesitantly, then more fervently, as if trying to pour all his agony out. He rose, wrapped his arms around her, showered her face and neck with kisses, whispering softly.
Tom, stop, what are you doing she protested.
Alice Alice
Tom, I love you! I always have, since Year Six Ive always loved you, dear
He left after midnight, eyes guilty, trying not to look at her. Well see you soon. Ill come again
Ill be waiting, she said, watching until the hall door slammed shut.
Tom never returned, as if that night had been a dream. Soon after, he finished his degree and moved to the north for work.
We need to do something! grumbled Dad. We could go see his parents, for heavens sake.
You know she doesnt want to, Mum replied. Shes on edge and it could harm the baby. Besides, Tom knows about Alices pregnancyshe told him. He acted as if he were a stranger maybe he left deliberately
You cant just let things gooutrageous! Dad fumed.
Gran busied herself with knitting, wiping tears at times. She felt so sorry for her granddaughter: smart, kind girl
When her daughter, Lena, was born, Alice tracked down Toms work number (begged it from a former classmate) and called, saying simply, Tom, our daughters been born. I called her Lena.
He mumbled something, only the words, Congratulations, were clear.
When Lena was eighteen months, Alices parents announced theyd finished paying off their new flat and were moving in with Gran. The flat was similartwo rooms, but in the next neighbourhood.
Well all come, in turn, and help you, Mum promised.
Alice wept.
What are you crying for? Mum soothed. Ill be here every day, help with Lena, take her to ours, you can do your work-from-home jobs
I was just used to everyone being together, Alice confessed.
Time moves, love, you have to make your own life. Its easier to sort things out on your own, Mum reassured.
Recently, Alice heard it constantlyfrom parents, Gran, friendsthat she needed to sort out her life; she was young, and even mums with kids got married.
Within a week, Alice had full run of their flat. Little Lena, giggling, tottered about, trying to walk. Shed sit herself down softly, get up, reach for Alice. Alice would sweep her up, hug her, laugh together.
Then he came, as suddenly as always. Like that time his wedding fell through.
Alice thought it was Dad, whod promised to drop by. But it was Tom on the doorstep, carrying a giant red toy fire engine.
Hello! Are you alone? Mind if I come in?
He looked older, thinner, his features sharper.
Come in.
He put the fire engine on the floor.
A childs cry rang out, Alice picked up Lena. This is my daughter, she said, pointing to the toy.
Tom smacked his forehead. Sorry
Take the engine, give it to someone else, Alice said.
He hung up his coat, wandered into the kitchen. Its almost the same, hasnt changed much. Will you at least make us some tea?
She switched on the kettle, holding Lena. Tom, awkward, searched for words.
He watched her: fair-haired, loose hair, a long dress to her ankles, holding her daughter. You look just like the Madonna, he muttered, awestruck.
Alice stayed quiet.
Your gran baked amazing piesdo you remember? And the tea on the sill in your room. And your gran watering the flowers once she dumped leftover water out the window, just as I was beneathshe never saw me! Tom tried to smile. Do you remember, Alice
I dont remember, Alice cut him off, sounding relaxed, almost indifferent. Tom fell silent. Her reply wasnt meant to punish him for mixing up Lena as a boyit was genuine. She really was beginning to forget the details of their meetings. These days, all her time belonged to her daughter. She watched Lenas first words, looked at how she slept, woke, played
Drink your tea; I need to cook porridge for Lena.
For the first time, Tom realised he wasnt welcome. He got up, put on his coat. Alright then, maybe another time. Ill goyoure busy. He waited, hoping Alice might stop him, but she didnt.
Closing the door behind Tom, Alice quietly said, There wont be another time. Teas not served here, nor coffee.
She returned to her daughter, scooped her up, kissed her, and went to cook porridge.
Thinking back, Ive learned its no use holding onto memories of what might have been. Life moves forward, and the ones you love are often right in front of you, if only you see them.
