As Rachel was leaving the hospital, she bumped into a man at the doorway.
Sorry, he said, his eyes lingering on her for a moment.
In the next instant, his gaze turned cold and dismissive, and he turned away from Rachel as if she didnt even exist.
Shed grown painfully accustomed to such looks. Tall, slender girls received entirely different glancesadmiring, hungry, not indifferent and empty as hers always were. This struck Rachel as terribly unfair. Was it her fault that shed been born the way she was?
When she was little, everyone had doted on her rosy cheeks, squishy legs, and round bottom. At school, when they lined up for PE, Rachel was always the very first girl in the row. The taunts that followed were relentless: “fatty”, “plump piglet”, “Pumpkin”. That was the mild end; the cruelest nicknames made her flinch just remembering them. Children can be merciless. Teachers saw her classmates tease Rachel, but they never stepped in.
Rachel tried diet after diet, but hunger followed her everywhere, and she always relapsed. The few pounds she managed to lose soon returned. She wasnt unattractive, but her weight overshadowed everything.
Shed dreamed of becoming a teacher, but gave up on that idea, fearing the hurtful whispers and insults from children. Instead, she enrolled in a nursing college. When people were in pain, they didnt care what the nurse looked like, only that she made them feel better.
There were no boys in her class, and her female classmates were busy with boyfriends, getting engaged and married. Rachel was always on her own. In lectures, the girls would ask Rachel to sit at the fronthiding themselves behind her broad back to avoid the teachers eye.
Rachel would gaze wistfully at beautiful dresses displayed in shop windowsthings she would never wear. Her wardrobe was full of loose jumpers and flowing skirts, desperate to hide her figure. She excelled in her studies and became deft at giving painless injections. The elderly patients adored her for it.
Once, she joined her classmates at the local ice rink. Teenage boys started making jokes at her expense. Oi, look, someones late for work at the butchers! the boys jeered, howling with laughter. Rachel wanted to cry from the sting.
Her mother tried setting her up with sons of her friends. Rachel reluctantly went on a couple of datesa disaster. One man, spotting her, looked right through her and made a show of ignoring her. The other, before theyd even started talking, groped her. She shoved him away, and he landed in a puddle. Whats your issue? Im doing you a favour! Who else would have you? he yelled as she stormed away, holding back tears. After that, Rachel refused to go on any more dates. It was better to stay alone.
On her social media profile, Rachel put up a picture of Fiona from Shrek as her avatar. When a guy asked in the comments how she really looked, Rachel replied that she did look like that, just not green. He took it as a joke. Bet youre tired of relentless admirers and just want to scare them off with that profile pic, he wrote, offering to meet up. Rachel immediately ended the conversation.
One day, a boy about six years old came barreling into her in the hospital corridor.
Where are you running off to? Patients are resting here; you need to be quiet, she scolded, catching his arm gently.
I wanted to slide on the linoleum, he replied honestly.
Who did you come with?
My dad, to see granny. Wheres the loo? he asked.
Come on, Ill show you, Rachel led him to the end of the corridor. Can you manage by yourself?
He gave her a condescending look. She didnt take offence from such a small man. Soon she heard the flush and the boy reappeared.
Now, lets go. Show me which room your gran is in, Rachel said.
He sighed dramatically, shuffling alongside her. He stopped in front of a room, made a serious face, and pressed his finger to the corner of his mouth. Rachel held a smile as she watched.
I think its this one, he pointed to Room Four.
Think? You came sprinting out, didnt check the number? Or maybe you can’t read numbers yet? Rachel teased, since it was the men’s ward.
I can so! I even know my letters. Theres her door, the boy pointed at door Five.
You little rascal, Rachel pretended to be annoyed.
The boy laughed and asked, Whats your name?
Jamie, he blurted before the door to room five opened and a tall, pleasant-looking man appeared.
He frowned at Jamie.
Jamie, what took you so long? Then he spotted Rachel.
His gaze flicked over her, then his interest fizzled out. Was he misbehaving? the man asked.
Rachel had seen so many indifferent, dismissive glances from men.
He was fine. Dont scold him, she said gently as she walked away.
Come on, say bye to Gran, it’s time, she heard behind her.
The next day Jamie and his dad visited again. The man walked past Rachel as if she were invisible. She stuck her tongue out at his back. Jamie turned around, chuckled, and gave her a big thumbs up. Rachel waved, grinning.
After visiting hours, Rachel popped into Room Five.
You’re looking well today, Mrs. Thompson. Did your grandson drop by? she asked.
You met him? Isnt he a wonderful boy? I just want to live long enough to see him grow up, Mrs. Thompson sighed.
Its much too soon for you to be worrying about that. Youll be looking after great-grandchildren one day, Rachel said cheerfully.
I hope so. But I do worry. Hes growing up without his mum, Mrs. Thompson admitted.
Did his mother Rachel hesitated.
No, not passed. She just left him and ran off, left us with her son.
You said her son, Rachel was surprised.
Jamie isnt my biological grandson. But we love him as if he were. My son married a real beauty. Only after the wedding did she admit she was already a mum. You cant start a marriage with a lie, but my son forgave her. My husband had a scare, nearly collapsed. Now here I am, a patient myself.
Two years ago, Jamie’s mum got a lucrative job offer abroadshe was a modelso she left. Having a child was in the way for her. The women my son dates now are just like her: pretty, selfish. Jamie never warms up to them.
Rachel spent the whole day thinking about Mrs. Thompsons story. Later, when she came in to give Mrs. Thompson her injection, she found the old woman sniffling.
Mrs. Thompson, you cant get worked up, remember? Rachel scolded gently.
I know, dear. Look at this, she handed Rachel a drawing.
It showed a boy holding hands with a man and a woman. Obviously, Jamie and his parents.
Jamies looking for a mum. I think hes drawn you, Rachel.
That cant be. Hes drawn his mother, Rachel said quickly.
His mother was slight. This mum is taller than the dada woman of substance. Hes drawn you, you see, Mrs. Thompson sniffed again.
Rachel saw that Jamies drawn mother was indeed larger than his dad. Even a child notices how big I am. A man as handsome as Jamies father would never be interested in me. Thats a silly dream, Rachel thought glumly.
From then on, every time Rachel came by with medicine, she and Mrs. Thompson had a quick word or two. Next time Jamie visited, he went straight up to Rachel.
Hello. Are your hands reliable? he asked earnestly.
I hope so, Rachel replied, a bit bemused.
Granny said they are. She also said shell be out soon, right? My birthdays next week, by the way, he said, all in one breath.
I think your gran really will go home soon. How old will you be?
Ill be six! Jamie beamed. Will you come to my birthday?
Of course, but only if your dad says its alright, said Rachel.
Ill ask him now, Jamie darted back to his father.
Rachel got called away and didnt see Jamie and his dad leave, but the next day, Richard and Jamie were waiting for her at the nurses station.
Dad, you promised, Jamie tugged his fathers arm as Rachel approached.
I remember, Richard said to his son, then turned to Rachel. Wed love for you to come to Jamies party. Hell be six. Heres the address and my number. One oclock, Saturday. Of course, only if youre free.
We have your details in Mrs. Thompsons file, said Rachel, blushing. I havent any plans that weekend.
I hadnt thought. Jamie will be so disappointed if you dont come, and Mum will be upset too, as youve warned us she mustnt be, Richard added.
One week! I must lose a bit more weight, Rachel resolved.
At home, she told her mum about Jamie.
You must go, love. Young boys see more clearly than grown men. Who knowsyou might get on with his dad. That boy’s looking for a mum.
But his father barely notices me, Rachel said, dejected.
Dont exaggerate. Maybe what matters to him most are his sons feelings. Otherwise, hed be settling down with another model.
On Saturday, Rachel styled her hair, chose a dress, applied a little mascara, but still scowled in the mirror. No amount of grooming made her slimmer.
Shed bought Jamies present as soon as she was invited. Hell be expecting me. Cant let him down, she sighed, turning from the mirror.
She rang the flat and barely a moment passed before the door opened. Her heart thudded rapidly.
Rachels here! Jamie bounded over, hugging her as much as his arms could.
She patted his buzzed head and handed over her gift. His face lit up at the sight of the colourful box.
The living room was already decorated, table set for a party. Richard was there, beside an elegant blonde. An older gentleman sat on the other sideJamies grandfather, Rachel guessed.
The sleek blondes eyebrow arched as she sized up Rachel from head to toe.
Please, meet my saviour, Rachel. This is Boris, my husband. You know my son, and this is Ivans friend, Sophie, Mrs. Thompson introduced with no glance at the blonde.
Sophie raised a disapproving eyebrow. Mrs. Thompson started to serve salad for Rachel, but knocked her wine glass, which spilled right into Sophies lap. Sophie jumped up, her chair scraping over the floor.
Apologies flew, but Sophie was already gathering her things to leave. No one stopped her. Rachel considered slipping out too.
Dont take it to heart… Richard started.
You didnt spill anything on me. Nothing to be upset about, Rachel replied. Anyway, I should be off.
Please dont. Mum made her special cake. Stay, and afterwards Ill drive you home.
They drove in silence.
You didnt have to walk me out, Rachel finally said.
Mum wouldnt have forgiven me if I hadnt. Odd how I keep running into you everywhere. Wouldnt surprise me if Mums trying to set us up.
I dont love you, and you dont love me. Im not looking to marry you, Rachel replied, her voice trembling. Dont worry, Ill stay out of your way from now on.
They pulled up outside her home. Rachel tried the door, but it was locked.
Open it, please, she said firmly.
Suddenly, Richard leaned over and kissed her. Rachel pushed him away hard.
What are you doing? Done with pretty blondes? Seeking something different? Think I should be grateful for your attention? her eyes sparked with anger and her cheeks burned.
In that moment, she looked beautiful, though she was unaware of it. Richard was captivatedher face alive with emotion, so unlike the reserved blondes hed dated.
Forgive me. I dont know what came over me. I didnt mean to offend. I just… thought you and I…
Yes. No man has ever kissed me, apart from those who thought they were doing me a favour. People look at me with pity or turn away without even getting to know me, she fumed, and got out of the car.
Late August brought a sudden chill, rain lashing the windows. It had been three weeks since Jamie’s party. Rachel hadnt seen Richard.
She came home, enjoying the feel of kicking off her soggy boots.
A young man came to see you, her mum called from the hallway.
What man?
Well-dressed, handsome… I thought he seemed anxious. Asked if youd call him.
Rachel called him immediately, escaping to the kitchen.
It was me who came by. Jamie’s not well. Could you come? He needs injections
Ill be right there! Rachel rushed to get ready.
On the way, she popped into the chemist for alcohol wipes and syringes, just in case.
Jamie greeted her, looking relieved; his sweaty fringe stuck to his forehead, but his temperature had come down. Rachel washed her hands and prepared the antibiotics and vitamins.
Remember I have those reliable hands? Nothing to fear, Rachel smiled, seeing Jamies nervousness.
He screwed up his face tight, then declared that it only hurt a tiny bit.
Richard followed her with his eyes, observing her intently. No one had ever looked at her quite this way. She blushed, unsure, and found herself looking just as beautiful as he had imagined. Her heart fluttered inside her chest.
Richard offered her a lift home once again.
Rachel, would you come out with me sometime? We still havent had a proper talk.
Youre just doing this for your son, arent you? Please, dont. Ill start hoping, and youll never love me. Im not someone to fall in love with. Im fat.
Youre not fat. Youre warm, gentle, and kind. Kids dont make mistakesyoure wonderful in Jamies eyes, and in mine too. I think we could be a family.
And if Jamies mum returns?
She wont. She sent us official papers; shes remarried abroad and doesnt want her son. Hes mine now. So, will you come on a date with me?
Yes, Rachel answered simply.
Everyone has someone out theretheir other half. Life is empty without them, no matter their shape or looks. Sometimes, people miss each other, or fail to recognise a kindred spiritbecause they’re blinded by the outside. Perhaps its love that finally allows us to see the swan within the ugly duckling, the tender soul inside the girl who never believed herself worthy. There is always someone who will love youexactly as you are.
