I am married to a man who was previously married and has two children from that marriage. My husband separated from his ex-wife years ago, but they still keep in touch for the sake of the children. He pays child maintenance and remains involved in the childrens lives, staying updated on whats going on with them, his ex-wife, and even his former mother-in-law.
Then, quite out of the blue, I discovered that my husband wants to offer his ex-wife financial help. Apparently, she is heavily in debt. Three years ago, she took out a loan to start a small business, but for reasons unknown, the venture failed. She is now left with the loan and no way to pay it off. The debt has grown significantly over time. To avoid losing the roof over their heads, she nearly transferred her property to her mother, or else she and the children might have ended up homeless because of the debt.
My husband only learned of this recently, and has been dropping subtle hints to me. His ex-wife is in debt, he says, and lets not forget his own children still live with her. He suggests we help with money, otherwise, she wont be able to pay what she owes until she’s retired, and that the debt could even fall to the children in future.
Yesterday he came right out and said, Im going to give half my salary to my ex-wife every month so she can pay the debt off faster. What do you think about that?
I was absolutely stunned when I heard this. Arent you a bit confused, darling? Who is she now that you feel the need to help her? Shes not your responsibility anymore, shes a stranger to you. Why give her help?
He wouldnt let it drop. My children live there, he said. If something happens, the debt might land on their shoulders. I have to help.
I told him he already pays child maintenance and sometimes sends extra money. The children are well provided for. His ex-wife should sort out her own debts why is that our concern? I simply dont agree. Why should we jeopardise our own finances to bail out his ex? I told him not to even think about going through with it.
He fell silent and seemed hurt by my response. But am I really in the wrong?
Sometimes, supporting those we care about does not mean taking on burdens that arent ours to carry. Its important to recognise when our obligations end, and when we must let others stand on their own feet, for their own growth and the wellbeing of our own family.
