No ordinary Englishman in his right mind would ever get involved with a woman whos too skinnydo you know why?
For more than half a century, weve been bombarded with relentless beauty standards and an odd obsession with slenderness. These days, thinness isnt just encouraged; its demanded, like were all auditioning for a biscuit advert. Whether you like it or not, society expects you to fall in line, as if youre a spaniel at Crufts, not an actual human being. Otherwise, forget about that promotion at work or the hope of a halfway decent chap by your side.
Women monitor their weight as if they picked it up at a Sothebys auction, terrified of gaining even one extra ounce. Normal, beautiful women with actual curves have been banished from magazine covers and TV screens. But I stand firmly against this madness, as do my mates.
People come in all shapes and sizeslarge noses, tiny noses, flat faces, expressive ones, platinum blondes and brunettes, and theyre all wonderful in their own way. But to think a woman is suddenly more attractive just because shes lost six stone? Thats a sign somethings gone round the twist. No decent bloke would ever be drawn to a woman like that.
Dont get me wrongnone of us are chasing women whose cheeks have their own postcodes. But a bit of softness? Thats a plus for me. Curvy girls can cook a roast with their eyes closed.
Theres always something tasty tucked away in the fridge, so you wont be left hungry or, heaven forbid, starving to death. They know the true joy of a proper meal and love sharing it with friends and family.
If your ladys a bit of a dumpling, she wont force you onto some horrible diet or get snippy like a town crier whos found someone stealing her gingerbread man. You wont come home to a sad plate of plain boiled barley, thanks very muchI had enough of that at boarding school.
You can always settle down together with a takeaway pizza and a film on the telly if youre having a sleepless night. And dont forget about the ice cream. Best of all, she doesnt think shes Her Royal Highness of Perfection, so she doesnt expect anything ridiculousshe just appreciates having you around. But those skinny minnies with all their issues, they make far too much fuss. So, I picked a softer woman, and honestly, I couldnt be happier.
