Helen hailed from a quaint village in the English countryside. It was there, amidst soft meadows and old stone cottages, that Cupids arrow found her. She fell head over heels for Andrew, and he adored her just the same. The two decided to leave their familiar home behind and seek their fortune in London. They told their parents they were going to the city to save up for a proper wedding banquet, and truthfully, that was their plan. But soon enough, they decided to forgo the expense of a traditional wedding.
Theyd had enough of Londons young crowd, who turned up to their own weddings in trainers and jeans, asked for cash gifts only, threw casual buffets instead of formal dinners, or held their nuptials via a Zoom calland used all the money for their mortgage instead.
That was exactly what Helen and Andrew did. However, when their mothers returned home, they threw them a humble celebration. Not that Helen and Andrew had any acquaintances in London beyond colleagues. I mention all this so you can picture the sort of couple they wereand guess at their character.
Five years slipped by since their wedding. The pair decided to wait on having children, focusing instead on paying down their mortgage. Helens mother was determined, having raised her daughter single-handedly, and every phone call ended with a reminder that she was more than ready for grandchildren. Still, Helen knew living with her mother would quickly become a recipe for disaster. There was no urgency, so they took their time about children.
Over time, Helen began to feel resentment towards Andrewa feeling shed had before, but had always managed to shake off. She called me one evening:
He talks for ages to others on the phone, but with me its just hello-goodbye and nothing more
When he gets home from work, youll have more time to talk.
I want to watch a quiet romance after work, but he just puts on some horror film.
How many televisions have you got? You can always watch movies on your laptop with headphones. But its not really family life if youre beside each other but your minds are somewhere else.
Thats exactly it! I dont think Andrew understands me!
Thats quite an original complaint.
Why are you laughing?
All right, Im not.
Helen, when do you actually enjoy each others company?
When were away on holiday, or when friends visit Hes so thoughtful then
Our chat stretched almost an hour. Helen told me about how she and Andrew met, and about how every girl envied her. As we spoke, I realised her problem was an unmet desire to shine before othersa need made worse by her lack of friends in London. That was one issue, and the second
Helen, what does an ideal marriage look like to you?
Definitely with children.
Thats what most people say, but sometimes marriages unravel after children come along
My husband should notice my mood, care about how work is going He should compliment my outfit and praise my cooking
Doesnt he?
No, he says dinner was nice, but its not enough for me.
Describe it He comes home, you serve up, say mashed potatoes with sausages, and then?
He smiles and rubs his hands together before eating.
But thats a compliment in its own way! Would you prefer if he pushed away his plate and said, Im not hungry?
Helen went quietperhaps she hadnt fully grasped the root of her complaint. Yet she felt aggrieved by Andrew. Id already guessed her dissatisfaction but asked about her relationship with her mother to be certain.
Her mother, it turned out, was a deeply emotional woman, always asking questions, eager to listen, and quick to give comfort when things went wrong.
People often say we marry those who resemble our parents and who promise us abundant love. Helen had no father, so she never considered that not everyone is so expressive with their feelings.
I told Helen, gently, that she’d spent five years expecting Andrew to behave just as her mother did. At first she was bewildered, but after reflection she agreed.
So, how do I separate myself from my mum?
Its simple. Whenever you feel upset, imagine that its your caring mother beside you, not Andrewand recognise he can never compete with her in that way.
And that’s it?
Thats all. With time, youll find your resentments fade away.
Helen realised that real happiness in marriage isnt found in perfection, but in understanding each others unique ways of caring. Sometimes, the greatest insight is recognising that love can look different from what youve always knownand learning to cherish it just the same.
