Afraid to Lose You
This is where I live, I grinned, inviting Emily into my flat.
Come on in, make yourself at home, Ill just be a second.
Emily hesitated on the doorway, eyes darting nervously around the hallway.
She didn’t even bother to take her shoes off.
Something was clearly bothering her…
When I returned from the kitchen, I found her frozen in the corridor, a look of sheer terror fixed on her face, hands trembling.
Before I could utter a word, she bolted out of the flat, not looking back.
Emily, where are you going?!
I stared, dumbfounded, at the open front door, then at Molly, my loyal German Shepherd, who was sitting at my feet.
I never would’ve guessed the perfect evening would end in such a manner.
She just ran off?
Didnt say a word? my mate Daniel asked incredulously as I recounted the whole bizarre scene to him later that evening at The Fox and Hound pub.
Not a word.
Just legged it.
Looked like shed seen a ghost or something.
I swirled my pint of ale absentmindedly, staring into the foam before setting it back down on the table.
I dont get it, mate…
What could have frightened her so much?
Theres loads of reasons, Daniel shrugged.
But have you considered just asking her directly?
I would’ve, if shed pick up her phone.
Havent been able to get through since last night.
You try her place?
I only ever walked her to the front of her building.
No idea which flat is hers.
Bloody weird, that, Daniel said, shaking his head.
Tell me about it.
Everything started so well, and then it all just…
fell apart.
Maybe it hasnt!
Dont go all doom and gloom on me yet, Daniel replied.
You boys will run into each other Monday at work.
Ask her then, and see what comes next.
The first time I met Emily was on the 8.32 number 34 bus to work, packed to the rafters as always.
No one wanted to give up their seat to a young lady, so I did.
I stood beside her all the way, a silly grin stuck on my face.
She was lovely.
Id have loved to strike up a conversation, but first, I was racing against time to get to work, and second, chatting up strangers so publicly just wasnt my style.
What would I even say?
Hi, Im Oliverheres my number, ring me after work?
Ridiculous.
So, when I jumped off at my stop, I didnt even wait to see if shed get off too.
Marched straight to the office.
Walking, though, I had this odd sensation that the girl was right behind me.
But I refused to turn aroundjust my imagination, surely.
Its just wishful thinking, I muttered to myself.
Of course I wished it could happen: you meet a lovely girl on a crowded bus and its love forever.
Life, unfortunately, doesnt work that way.
The entire next hour was a write-off.
Trying to bury myself in spreadsheets, I just kept seeing her face, her eyes, her smile…
Every time I opened another email, there she was.
So when Mr.
Graham, the boss, waltzed in with a new member of staff, and it turned out to be her, I half thought I was hallucinating out of sheer infatuation.
But no, Emily was real.
Introduced herself shyly, and I felt like fate had just dealt me a winning hand.
Emily, she smiled, approaching me last after meeting the rest of the office.
Oliver.
Nice to meet you, I managed to stammer, still taken aback.
And that was itI couldnt get another word out, too stunned and nervous.
But inside, I was aliveeverything stirred within me.
I felt as though I could lasso the moon just to win her attention.
That evening, I met Daniel at Hampstead Heath, where we usually walked our dogs, and told him all about the new girl at work.
I described Emily with such excitement that Daniel gave me a knowing look.
Youve fallen for her, mate.
You reckon?
No question about it!
Happened to me with Sophietook one look and I knew I wanted her beside me for the rest of my life.
Exactly!
Thats what I feel, every time I see Emily.
Like I want forever with her.
Then get a move on and ask her outtake her for a coffee or to the pictures or something.
What if she says no?
If you dont ask, youll never know.
And if you wait too long, someone else might beat you to it.
But what if shes already dating someone?
Wouldnt that be awkward?
If she is, then youll know where you stand.
In the worst case, youre colleagues, but youve got to try.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
So I did.
After work, at the bus stop, I walked up to Emily, managed a bashful smile, went a bit red, but then steadied myself.
Dont get the wrong idea, but would you fancy going out sometime?
For a coffee or maybe the cinema?
She smiled and said yes.
We sipped lattes in a quiet coffee shop, then wandered through central London till nearly midnight.
I walked her home, feeling like the luckiest bloke in the world.
Afterwards, I spent an hour walking Molly round the block, making up for her missed stroll.
And then, back in my flat, I lay awake all night picturing the futurepopping the question, us building a life together, kids, dog walks on weekends out in Richmond Park…
Somehow, I just knew these dreams might actually come true soon.
Three months went by.
Three magical monthsthey just flew.
Dinners out, romantic films at the Prince Charles cinema, kisses in the rain (we didnt care who saw!).
Emily was everything: kind, funny, utterly charming.
So gentle and so down-to-earth.
I felt as if fate had given me my hearts desire.
There was just one tiny snagevery evening after my time with Emily, I still had to walk Molly.
Since I lived alone, there was nobody but me to do it.
Not always convenient, if Im honest.
A few times, Id suggest the three of us go for a walk together.
Strangely, those times, Emily would clam up, looking away, finally refusing.
Lets just do something just us two?
Maybe well want to pop in somewhere for a drink or a filmyou cant really bring a dog along.
Youre right, Id agree.
After a while, I proposed to herproperlywith a ring and everything.
I asked Emily to move in with me.
She said yes to the proposal, but the moving in well, she seemed hesitant, always delaying it.
Em, I know were waiting for the wedding next year, but surely we could live together now?
I just feel more at ease when youre close.
I promised my landlady Id stay till the end of the year.
Dont want to let her down.
Ill cover the rent for those last couple of months if that helps.
Come on, let me show you my placeand you can finally meet Molly properly.
Im sure youll like her.
Emily looked uneasy, but agreed.
She loved me, and so she decided to tryto face her fears.
Thats how we ended up that evening, standing in my hallway again.
Emily stepped in gingerly, glancing around with obvious anxiety, reluctant to take off her shoes.
Something was plainly wrong
When I came back, I saw her terror.
Hands shaking, eyes wide, she suddenly bolted from the flat without a word.
Emily, whats going on?!
Confused, I stood in the hallway with Molly, door still swinging open, shocked that the night ended up like this.
I tried calling Emily all nightno answer.
Saturday morning, I met up with Daniel at a cafe in Camden, desperate for advice and a friendly ear.
Over bacon butties and endless teas, I told him everything.
He said, You just have to wait till Monday.
She cant not come to work.
Talk to her then.
I couldnt stop checking the clock Monday morning, scanning each double decker bus that pulled up.
But Emily was nowhere to be seen, and it wasnt like her at all.
What if something had happened?
I was just about to phone the boss to ask for compassionate leave and go look for her, when I finally spotted herwalking up the pavement, hair down, cheeks streaked with tears, eyes full of sorrow.
Em, wait!
She stopped and shot me a look of pure anguish.
Emily, whats going on?
Why did you run?
Why wont you answer my calls?
Im going mad here.
Im sorry, Ollie, she whispered.
What happened?
Its nearly nine oclockcan we speak tonight, after work?
Are you calling off the engagement?
Dont you want to live with me anymore? I took her hand, refusing to let her go.
Ive spent two days with no answers.
I cant wait.
Please, tell me now.
Why did you bolt?
Her voice nearly broke: Im sorry, Ollie, but I cant live with you.
But why?
Did I do something wrong?
No.
Then what is it?
Emily wiped her tears, looked me in the eye: Im scared
Of what, darling?
What are you scared of?
Dogs.
I was speechless.
You mean Molly?
But you know she wouldnt hurt a fly.
But even as I said it, I realised: I hadnt wanted to believe Molly could be the problem.
Its not just Molly.
Im scared of all dogs.
When I was six, I was attacked by a bull terrier.
Youve never told me that…
No.
Its a nightmare to remember.
I was playing in the park, Mum had just nipped into the shops, and some drunk bloke sicced his dog on me to get me off a bench.
Someone managed to save me.
Ever since, Ive been terrified of all dogs.
Emily
Ollie, were going to be late for work.
This isnt time for this conversation.
They can wait.
I know its a trauma, but there are loads of dogs out there.
Dont you ever walk past them on the street?
I do, but its different on the street.
I can cross over, or stick near people.
But I cant live in the same home as a big dog like Molly.
Im sorry, but thats the truth.
It isnt about you or your dogits me.
But Emily, thats not fair
I did try.
I wanted to get over it, so I agreed to visit your flat but the panic was overwhelming.
I cant cope with it.
Im sorry.
Back at the pub that night, I let it all out to Daniel.
I honestly have no clue what to do.
I love her, and she loves me.
And yet we cant live together.
Does that even make sense?
Youre not getting rid of Molly though, right? Daniel asked sternly.
Of course not!
I couldnt ever.
I love Molly.
I love Emily too
Then you need to find a way, mate.
Fear of dogs isnt an allergyshe can work on it, with the right help.
Has she tried therapy?
Yeah, didnt help.
Emily said shed try again, but she cant promise anything.
Thats something at least.
A lot of people would have made you chooseher or the dog.
She wants to solve the problem, and you need to help her.
If not you, who?
No idea how to start
Probably dont meet up in your flat for a while.
Try walks.
Take Molly and Emily to the park or, better yet, the woods.
Itll just be the three of youno distractions.
Dyou reckon that could work? I asked, hope flickering in my chest.
Why not?
Over time, Emily might realise Mollys no threat and her panic will fade.
Its worth a try.
The next Saturday, Emily stepped out the front door to see me beside a friends Land Rover.
Whose car is that?
Borrowed it off a matehis dog rides in the boot.
Its set up with a guard.
You want all three of us in the car together? she asked, voice shaky.
Yeah.
But Molly will stay in the back, youll be up front with me.
Promise, nothing bad will happen.
Reluctantly, she agreed.
But if I say its too much, were going home.
An hour later, we were parked beside Epping Forest.
I helped Emily out, let Molly out but told her to keep her distance.
Nice spot, I said, trying to distract Emily from…
well, from Molly.
Its beautiful, she whispered.
We swapped our trainers for welliesthe ground was still churned up from rainand headed out among the trees.
I kept Molly busy with a ball, part of the planso Emily wouldnt have to focus on her.
How you doing, Em?
I dont know.
Its not easy.
Look, love, not every dog is bad.
Just like people, really.
What happened to you wasnt fair or right, but Mollys different.
She wouldnt hurt anyone.
I know.
I threw the tennis ball further into the brambles; Molly dashed off with a happy bark.
Emily flinched at the noise, hands shaky.
Thats just her being excited, I explained, gently pulling her close.
Shes chuffed when she finds her ballher favourite thing, you know.
Molly fetched the ball, retreated a respectful distance, ready for another throw.
Want to have a go? I encouraged.
Emily hesitated, terrified.
Just close your eyes and do it.
Once, for me.
She took the ball gingerly, screwed her eyes shut, and hurled it as far as she could.
Well done! I cheered.
Molly, fetch!
As usual, the sound of barking followed as Molly charged into the undergrowth.
See?
Shes a smart one, my Molly.
Knows what I want with half a look.
Shall we head back now? Emily asked.
Yeah, lets go.
Molly, come on, girl!
OnlyMolly wasnt coming.
Her barks kept getting louder.
Ill go see whats going on, I muttered.
Wait here
No, Ill come too, Emily insisted.
We waded through thick bushes to a muddy pool, where Molly was barking frantically at the tennis ball floating just out of reach.
Mystery solved, I said, laughing.
Whats wrong? asked Emily anxiously.
Mollys afraid of water, so she cant fetch her ball.
Ill have to wade in myself.
The wellies are coming in handy now.
Shes afraid of water?
I thought dogs loved swimming!
Not Molly.
Rescued her from a river as a pupsince then, she dodges puddles.
Shes fine in the rain, but proper water?
Nope.
Anyway, its just a rain puddle.
Stay here.
I stepped into the waterand abruptly sank in deep.
The ground disappeared from under me.
You alright, Ollie? Emily called, alarmed.
Yeah, just…
the puddles a bit deeper than I thought. Water was now at my waist.
As I tried to wade back, my boots sucked down into the mud, stopping me mid-step.
Whats wrong?
Why are you stuck?
Looks like you were rightits a proper bog.
And its hungry, judging by how fast its swallowing me.
Molly barked with mounting panic, unable to step into the water, desperate to help, but doing as told.
Emilys eyes widened in terror.
Ollie, dont move!
Ill find a branch
Hands trembling, she fished out her phone, only to see No Signal flash across the screen.
Just her luck.
Looking around, she spied a long, sturdy branch.
But as she stepped towards the mire, Molly stood right in her way.
Emilys childhood fears surged, threatening to overwhelm herevery instinct screaming at her to run.
But then she heard my shout: Emily, pleasehelp!
She froze, like a little girl again…
but this time, love overpowered fear.
Im coming! she choked.
She seized the branch, pushed past Mollythe dogs pleading, worried eyes looking up at her briefly not as a threat, but as a fellow rescuerand stretched out the branch to me.
I grabbed on with numb, muddy hands.
Emily heaved with all her might.
She managed to budge me only a littlethen Molly, as if knowing exactly what was needed, joined in, bracing herself.
In that moment, pressed up beside a huge German Shepherd, Emily felt no fear at all.
There was only the urgency of saving the one she loved.
Together, little by little, they hauled me free of the bog.
Soaked and exhausted, the three of us collapsed in the grass, gasping for breath.
You two what would I do without you! I said, pulling them both close.
You really saved my life.
I was so scared
Lets just hope you havent picked up a new phobia, I teased gently.
She hugged me, then turned and hugged Molly, tears in her eyes.
Actually, Ollie, I have: Im terrified of losing you.
And that trumps everything else.
That evening, clean and warm, the three of us curled up together on the sofa, watching old dog movies.
For Emily, nothing else seemed worth watchingnot that Molly or I minded one bit.
But the best part was, by the end of that long day, we all understood that the fear of losing each other was something we now shared and that was a fear worth having.
