I’m twenty-six years old, and my wife keeps telling me I’ve got a problem that I refuse to admit.
She says it every time I leave a job, or worse, get fired.
According to her, it’s not normal that the longest I’ve stuck with a job is six months.
And, if I’m honest, she’s got a point.
Sometimes I last a month, sometimes just a couple of weeks, and sometimes I dont even make it through the probation period.
I’ve done just about every kind of work you can imaginemaintenance, cleaning, sweeping streets, scrubbing public toilets, hauling boxes in warehouses.
I always start off with the best intentions, but after a few days, it starts to weigh on meboth physically and mentally.
Though it’s not just the exhaustion.
The embarrassment is just as bad.
I never finished school properly; I made it to Year 11 and then gave up.
I never went back.
So when I put on a vest or pick up a mop, I always feel out of place.
I look at my colleaguesresigned, getting on with their tasks without fussand deep down I think, this can’t be my life.
Then I start turning up late, slacking off, coming up with reasons to take days off.
Inevitably, one day I get called into the office and told not to bother coming in again.
My wife doesnt understand it.
Shes worked in a shop for four years now.
The pay isnt great, but its steady.
Every month, she knows what she’ll get.
When I come home jobless again, she looks at me with a mix of anger and tiredness.
She says, “The job isnt the problem, you are.
You cant stick at anything.” I tell her those jobs arent for me, that Im meant for something else, that I wasnt born to spend my days cleaning toilets.
That just makes her furious.
She tells me to finish school, learn something new, get a qualification.
Says no one will hire me for other things without even a diploma.
I insist Ill do it, but the months go by and I never sign up.
Theres always an excuseno money, no time, Ill do it later.
Truth is, Im terrified of going back to school as an adult, sitting next to younger people, feeling stupid and left behind.
This has become routine at home.
We argue about the same thing, over and over.
She says I live in fantasy, speak beautifully but do nothing.
I tell her shes given up, learned to survive, not to live.
Sometimes we shout at each other.
Sometimes we just dont speak for days.
I go out job-hunting again, CV folded in my pocket, and come back home frustrated when they tell me, Well get back to you.
The worst part is, I really do dream.
I dream of owning my own business, not having to rely on anyone, not being ashamed of my uniform.
I dream of waking up early for something I built, instead of just taking orders.
But dreams dont pay the rent or put food on the table.
And she reminds me every day.
Im left wondering: do I actually have a problem I wont face up to, or do I just have the right to hope for something bigger?
Today I realised that I do need to face my fears, but also that dreaming alone isnt enough.
If I ever want things to change, I have to act, not just hope.
