Hi love, let me tell you what happened to meits been such a whirlwind that I honestly dont know what to think anymore.
So, the other evening I was feeling shaky and lightheaded, and I spotted drops of blood on the kitchen floor. My stomach was cramping terriblyI could hardly stand upright. I knew my little one was about to arrive, and I was absolutely petrified.
You know, my husband, Michael, has been working abroad for five years now. Hes spent time driving lorries in Germany, did building work in Polandall to bring home money for us. Its always been about giving our two sons the best start in life. We both knew wed never get anywhere if we stayed here in England without a bit of luck.
And you know what? Michael did have a bit of luck out there. Once a month, hed send us a box full of goodiescanned food, grains, sweets, oil, whatever he could pack. Hed pop some cash into my account tooso I could save it up and get a bit of interest from the bank. Over time, we managed to set aside enough to buy a little flat for our eldest son. I really thought things were going well for us.
But a few months back, I started feeling off. At first I thought it was the menopause, but it wasnt quite right. I was gaining weight, always tired, eating loads, and my moods were all over the place. I looked online and all the signs pointed to pregnancy. Me, pregnant at 45? I didnt believe it, so I bought a testand, sure enough, it showed two bold red lines.
I didnt tell my sons or daughters-in-law a thing. Why would I? I could just imagine them laughing at me, saying their mum had finally lost her marbles. So I decided to keep the pregnancy quiet. It was nearly winter anyway, so I bundled up in thick, big coatsno one could see the bump.
But, honestly, I didnt want to have this baby. People might say Ive lost my faith, but Im 45, not exactly young. I just want to focus on my sons and grandchildren, not be running around after a newborn and changing nappies again. Plus, we havent got the money for a third child. Michael would probably have to go off abroad again and I cant handle that, not on my own.
I tried to look into a termination, but they said it was too lateit was risky and could harm me. So I kept trying to convince myself that everything would be fine; maybe Michael would be happy about another baby? I decided to ring him on Skype and tell him the newsbut I only switched on the microphone, not the camera.
Hello, Michael
Sorry, this isnt Michael. Its Sophie.
Sophie? Who are you?
Well, love, who are you? Im Michaels girlfriend. Hes not here right now; hes still at work if youre after him.
I immediately hung up the phone and broke down in tears. I couldnt believe itturns out your husband can cheat on you anywhere with anyone. I wanted to file for divorce right then, throw Michaels things out, never see nor hear from him again.
But part of me still hoped hed come back to us when he found out about the baby. I knew he was due back in February for the boys birthdays; hed managed to get some time off. I even dreamt that we were in the park, the three of usand Michael had our little girl by one hand, I had her by the other.
Then, on Valentines Day, Michael came home. I set up a romantic dinnercandles, music, the lot. I just wanted things to be peaceful.
Michael, Ive got a surprise for you. Im pregnant. They say itll be a girl
You absolute cow! he shouted.
He went beetroot red with rage, knocked the plates onto the floor, and started pounding the table with his fists.
So, while Im slaving away like a donkey, youre off gallivanting with other blokes? Now you want me to take in this brat as my own?
Michael, let me explain
Just get away from me, I dont want to see you!and he shoved me so hard, my belly hit the table corner, and I collapsed.
Michael stormed out, grabbed his bag and slammed the door behind him. I was so dizzy and weak, I noticed the blood again, the cramping, barely able to move. I just about managed to call 999. But I could feel the baby coming any second.
By the time the paramedics arrived, I was already holding our little girl in my arms. She lay there quietly, not making a sound, fast asleep.
Right, mum, are you coming with us?
No. Take the baby. I dont want her.
What do you mean?
Just take her, Im telling you! This child has torn my family apart! Maybe someone else will love her, but it wont be me. Take her, I dont want to see herjust go!
I handed the baby over to the paramedic, without any guilt at all. They checked me over at homeno stitches needed, the birth had gone smoothly. Once the ambulance left, I cleaned up, got in the shower, and went to bed.
None of my children know what I did. Every day I go to church and pray that my daughter grows up healthy and finds a loving family. I know deep down I just couldnt handle motherhood againI want Michael home, but hes gone off to Germany again, talks only to the boys now.
Maybe youll say Im mad or heartless, but Im choosing my husband over this child. God knows Ill have to live with that.
