Goodness gracious, Dad, you really do get a grand welcome, don’t you? What did you need a retreat for, when there’s such a brilliant “all inclusive” at home?
When Daniel handed her the keys to his flat, Eva felt an immense sense of triumphher long-awaited victory. No DiCaprio ever longed for an Oscar as much as Eva had waited for Daniel, especially now with a place to call her own.
Disheartened and thirty-five, shed often caught herself gazing sympathetically at stray cats and lingering wistfully by the “Craft Supplies” shop window.
And then he appeareda solitary man whod poured his youth into his career, healthy eating, gym memberships, and all manner of pursuits in search of himself, with no children or entanglements.
Since her twenties, Eva had secretly wished for this gift, and perhaps somewhere up above, it was finally understood shed meant it wholeheartedly.
Ive got just one last business trip this year, and then Im all yours, Daniel said, passing her the coveted keys. Dont be frightened of my hideout. I only ever come home to sleep, he added, before jetting off to another time zone for the weekend.
Eva packed her toothbrush, her face cream, and set off to see what this den looked like. Difficulties arose as soon as she got there. Daniel had warned that the lock was temperamental, but Eva hadnt imagined just how much.
She tried everything for forty minutes: pushing, then pulling the door, easing the key in just so, attempting the politest approach, but the stubborn door resisted every effort to open up to its new resident.
Eva decided to use psychological tactics, recalling schoolyard lessons from classmates behind the bike sheds. The commotion drew a neighbourly response.
And why are you breaking into someone else’s flat? queried a perturbed womans voice from next door.
Im not breaking inIve got the keys! snapped Eva, wiping sweat from her brow.
And you are? Ive never seen you before, continued the nosy neighbour.
Im his girlfriend! Eva retorted defiantly, planting her hands on her hips and facing the gap in the door through which the negotiation was taking place.
You? the woman replied, clearly surprised.
Yes, thats right. Any problem with that?
Oh, none at all. Its just hes never brought anyone here before. Evas affection for Daniel grew even stronger. And now theres suddenly
What do you mean, suddenly? Eva asked, confused.
Never mind, its none of my business. Sorry, said the neighbour, closing the door.
Realising it was either her or the door, Eva rammed the key in and twisted with all her pent-up desire to set foot in that flat, nearly spinning the lock right off its hinges. At last the door gave way.
The entirety of Daniels inner world was revealed, and Evas heart grew cold. Of course, young bachelors tend toward minimalism, but this was Spartanalmost monastic.
Poor thing, your hearts long forgottenor maybe never knewhow it feels to be cosy, Eva muttered under her breath as she surveyed the modest living space where she would now spend much of her time.
Still, Eva felt glad. The neighbour hadnt lied: there was no sign that a womans touch had ever graced these walls, floors, kitchen or dreary windows. She was the first.
Unable to contain herself, Eva pulled on her shoes and dashed to the nearest home goods shop for a pretty shower curtain and bathroom mat, along with oven mitts and kitchen towels.
In truth, she was swept awaysoon the mat and curtain were joined by diffusers, handmade soap, and handy organisers for makeup.
Adding these little touches to someone elses flat isnt cheeky, Eva reassured herself, hitching a second trolley to cope with the overflow.
The lock no longer fought Eva. In fact, it ceased to work at all, resembling a goalkeeper whod forgotten his mask before the match.
Realising what shed done, Eva spent half the night wrestling out the old lock with kitchen knives, then dashed to the shop the next morning for a new one. She needed new knives too, of course. And forks, spoons, a tablecloth, chopping boards and trivets. Curtains were next on the list.
On Sunday at lunchtime, Daniel called, saying hed have to extend his trip a couple of days.
Ill be delighted if you can warm up the place and make it feel homely, he smiled through the phone, after Eva admitted to some creative liberties with his décor.
Indeed, Eva had already delivered cosiness to the flat by the vanload, distributing it according to a technical plan in her mind. After years of collecting these things inside herself, once given free rein, she simply couldnt stop.
By the time Daniel returned, the only remnant of his old flat was a spider above the vent. Eva thought to evict it, but, seeing its bewildered eight eyes, decided to spare the poor creatureleaving it as a symbol of respect for someone elses belongings.
Daniels place now looked as if hed been happily married for eight years, faced disillusionment, then found joy again in spite of it all.
Eva didnt just take over Daniels flat; she made sure everyone in the building knew she was the new lady of the house and that questions should be directed at her. The lack of a ring was just a technicality.
Neighbours eyed her suspiciously at first but, in the end, simply shrugged: Whatever you sayits your affair, not ours.
***
On Daniels return day, Eva cooked a true homemade dinner, squeezed herself into a festive (and slightly over-the-top) outfit, dotted the corners with fragrant candles, dimmed the new lights, and waited.
Daniel was running late. Just as Eva started regretting the uncomfortable outfithaving spent months at the gym for the very curves she now squeezedit happened: a key slid into the lock.
Its a new lockjust give it a push, its not locked! Eva called out, flustered yet hopeful. She didnt fear judgement. She knew shed worked wonders with the placeshe would be forgiven anything.
Just then, she received a sudden text from Daniel: Where are you? Im homeand the flat looks exactly as it did before! My mates had me worried youd deck it all out in makeup.
Of course, Eva wouldnt see the message until much later. For now, five complete strangers poured into the flat: two younger men, two school-age children, and an elderly gentleman who immediately straightened up and patted the sparse white hair on his head when he noticed Eva.
Blimey, Dad, what a welcome! Whyd you need a retreat when theres this all inclusive here at home? joked the young man, receiving a scold from his wife for staring.
Eva stood frozen in the doorway, two full wine glasses in hand, incapable of moving. She wanted to shout but was too stunned.
Somewhere in the corner, the spider gave a cheerful giggle.
Excuse me, but who are you? Eva squeaked.
The rightful owner. Are you from the clinic for the dressing change? I said I could handle that myself, replied the old chap, eyeing Evas nurse-like attire.
Mm yes, Arthur Matthews, its so warm and pleasant in here now, said the young mans wife, peering in behind Eva. So much better, before we lived like it was a crypt. And you, dear, whats your name? Isnt Arthur Matthews a bit old for you? Though hes a respectable gentleman, with a place of his own
E-ev-a Eva stammered.
Well! Arthur Matthews, you clearly have a knack for picking peoplecredit where its due.
Judging from the gleam in his eye, Arthur didnt seem to mind at all.
Wheres Daniel? Eva whispered, draining both glasses in a single gulp, nerves jangling.
Im Daniel! piped up an eight-year-old boy.
Lets not rush thingsyoure not Daniel yet, his mother said, ushering both children and husband out to the car.
S-S-sorry, I seem to have got the wrong flat, Eva began to recover, recalling her battle with the lock. Is this Lavender Avenue, 18, flat 26?
No, its Beechwood Avenue, 18, said the old man, ready to unpack his unexpected surprise.
Oh, right, Eva sighed dramatically. Mixed up the addresses. Well, make yourselves at homeIll just go and make a call.
Grabbing her phone, she escaped to the bathroom, barricaded the door, and wrapped herself in a towel. It was only then she saw Daniels text.
Daniel, Ill be round soonI got held up at the shops, she replied.
Alright, Im waiting. If its not too much trouble, could you bring a bottle of red? Daniel sent a voice message.
Eva intended to bring redinside herself. Clutching the bathmat and removing the shower curtain, she waited until the strangers were in the kitchen, then slipped out of the bathroom.
Throwing her things hastily into a bag, she tore out of the flat.
***
Ill tell you all about itbut later, Eva said, explaining her appearance when Daniel opened the door.
Moving as if in a fog, she passed him without a glance. First, she went to the bathroom to switch the curtain and unfurl her mat, then went to the living room, collapsed onto the sofa, and slept until morning, letting the stress and the red fade away.
When she awoke, a puzzled Daniel sat nearby, waiting for an explanation.
So, whats the address here?
Bourne Avenue, number 18
Sometimes, life gives us just what we long foronly to challenge us to remember whose home were looking to transform, and gently remind us to check the address before we move in. Its easy to get carried away making a place your own, but true comfort begins when you first settle within yourself.
